WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIC, Issue 13438, 9 November 1907, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Professor: I always forget my pockethandkerchief. I muiit really tie a knot in it to remind me. Fashion Note.—There's nothing that looks so fearfully flat as a moonfaced man in an Alpine hat. Mv dear Watson, remarked Sherlock you "shaved yourself this morning.—Amazing! cried tine astonished 'Dr Watson; how did you know! —Ah! replied the brilliant detective, blood will tell. Mother: You mustn't play with that little boy.—Tommy: Well, can I fight with him? Contributor: I suppose I should write on only one. side of the paper' —Editor: (after "looking at the contribution) : I think you shouldn't write on either side. Lady: Did the natives like the perfumed soap I sent them.—Returned Missionary : -So madam; they bit it, and threw" it away. Johnnie, you shouldn't have eaten those preserved fruits. They were placed on the table merely to rill up.—Well, ma, that's just what I used them for. Mistress: Your cold's very bad, Jane. Are you doing anything for it T- -Jane: Oh, yes, ma'am. The chemist 'ave give me soma. cremoniated stincture of Queen Anne. Supercilious Lady: Here's a "Manual of Manners" I could give you a loan of for a day or two.—Her Fnend: Thanks, but are you sure you c3n spare it yourself for'that time? Nurse (to proud father): He gets on beautiful, sir. He takes after you, he does- He's got you eyes exact, and he do take to his bottle so! He: Young Mr Heavyfoot dances on his toes. —She: I wouldn't mind if he confined himself to his own toes, but he doesn't—he prefers other people's. Teacher: How long had Washington been dead wheSi Roosevelt was inaugurated?— Scholar: I dunno, but it hasn't been very dead since Teddy has been there I Pa Smith threw down hi> newspaper in disgust. It's shameful, he exclaimed, the way these 'ere colleges waste money on furniture! Here's an . account of some- . body giving Oxford £40,000" for a new chair. What is there, asked the schoolmaster, in connection with George Washington that distinguishes him from, all other Americans? —He always told the truth, sir, replied Brown secundus, brightly. See here, said the theatrical manager, you must drop your overbearing behaviour towards the other members of the company. —Indeed, replied the leading lady haughtily, I'm the star, am I not?— Well, yes; but- just remember that you're not a fixed star. I am thirty-five years old, announced a woman of fifty-six at a tea last week.— And I am twenty-six, said the woman of forty-five. Then, turning to a girl of seventeen who stood near she -asked : How old are you, Ethel?—Oh, replied Ethel, according to present reckoning, I'm not born yet. Well, old man, I haven't seen you for an age, said a man to a friend who had become a Benedick. How do you find matrimony suit you?—lt's an expensive thing, was the reply. If I had only known what I had to pay in milliners' bills- . You .would have remained single, eh?—No; I would have married a milliner! . Now, said the school-teacher glancing round the small class of more or less bright-looking boys during a reading-les-son, can any of you tell me what.'is the meaning of 'divers diseases'. —Then silence reigned for a. few minutes, while the teacher scanned the faces of his scholars, in the vain hope that he might see a ray of dawning intelligence on one of them.— Y'es, Tommy? he said eagerly to a little chap holding up his hand. Don't be shy. You generally have an answer for everything. Come, now, speak up! — Please sir, said Tommy, with superb confidence, "divers' diseases is water on the • brain. In the more modest walks of his calling the tradesman is not distinguished by enterprise or striking originality; but occasionally we do seen an advertising legend which denotes profound wit in its creator. <%>bn Snobbins' ,the cobbler for instance, has recently christened his establishment "The Boot Hospital." A customer of a kindred lightsome spirit brought him a pair of boots which would have disgraced a gouty tramp.—Shouldn't 'ave these mended, if I was you, said Snobbics severely, I should present 'em to the deservin' pore.—But I want them mended, was the reply. This is supposed to be a hospital for boots, isn't it?— Yes, it's a 'ospital, all right enough; but it ain't a mortuary I Little Boy: I wish I was a great philosopher like you.—Great Scientist: And why, my son? —'Cause you know everything, and there's some things I can't understand; but if I was like you I could.—Tell me one of them.—Well, for one thing, I'd like to know why photographers can take pictures of comets, an' meteors,, an' flying cannon balls, an lightning flashes, and yet they can't photograph a boy without squashing his head in a pair of pincers. Perhaps one of the most distressing things a man can suffer from is constitutional nervousness, particularly when, as very ofteii happens, the 6aid nervousness interferes with the speech. So, at anyrate, John Bolkirs found recently. Ho had come to hear a favourite lecturer; but the hall, to all appearances, was full. He touched an official on the shoulder. Will you please sew me into a sheet? he said.—The expression of blank amazement which came into the official's face is haunting Bodkins yet, for it was quite five minutes before his floundering tongue would allow him to intimate that he wisheed to be shown into a seat. "IN A DARK CORNER." A revival meeting was in progress, and Sister Jones was called upon for testimony. Being weak and humble, she said: I do not feel as though I should stand here and give testimony . I have been a transgressor for a good many years, and .. have, only recently seen the light. I believe that my place is in a dark corner behind the door. Brother Smith was'next called upon for his testimony, and following the example set by Sister Jones, said— I, too, have been a sinner for more than forty years, and I do not think it would be fitting for me to stand before this assembly as a model. I think my place is behind the door, in a dark cornel - , with Sister Jones. And he wondered why the meeting wms convulsed with the laughter of those who came up to pray. THE BEARISH HUSBAND. The late Alexander Muir, of Toronto, author, of ''The Maple Leaf,'' Canada's national anthem, was interested all his life in the divorce laws, which were too often, he held, unfair to women. Mr Muir frequently declared that men, not their wives, were in nine cases out of ten responsible for unhappy marriages. . The trouble with too many husband?," he once said, is that they treat their wives as a Toronto man used to do. This man, sitting in his drawingroom on a coolish evening, cried out fiercely : Shut that door, confound it! What's the matter with you any way? Do you want to freeze me? The cook appeared calmly in the. open doorway. Do you know who you are speaking to. sir? she asked in a stern voice. The man, taken aback, stammered : Oh, excase mc. I thought it was my