Wit and Humour.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIC, Issue 13355, 3 August 1907, Page 4 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Citimau: '" Ye.-=. she"s married to a. lawyer, and a good, honest fellow, too." Subbubs : " Uood gracious ! Digamy, eh V" Bragge: " I was knocked senseless by a cricket ball two yeau* ago."' Boy in the Corner: " When dees yer expeek ter git over iff Husband: '" Did that novel I brought you end happily?"' Wife: "I don*t know It concluded by saying the hero and heroine were married."' " I do wish," she whispered softly. " I do wish people wouldn't look at us as if wa had just got married." '* Carry the rugs and my bag, dear," said lie. Angler: "Hang it! It there a diy spotin this boat where I can strike a match?" Boatman (who has been disappointed as regards refreshment): " Tiy my throat, sir'" Barber: '"How's the razor, sir?" Customer: "Didn't know I was being shaved." Barber (flattered): "Very glad, I'm sure, sir."' Customer: " I thought I was being sandpapered." Hojack: " Here's an account of how a man wrote a love-'.etter and got into trouble abont it." Tomdik: " I can sympathise with that fellow. That'ls how 1 happened to get married."' Showman : " Look here, your paper said the biggest snake in my show was 20ft long,, when it's really 31ft." Editor: " Sorry, but be were pushed for space yesterday, and had to cut everything down." Mr McDooley.- " Faith, an' it to be a question ' Oi have fer yez. me darlin"." Miss Clancey: "Phwat is it, Pat?" "Whin it comes toima fer me funeral, how would yez loike t' be ih' Widder McDooley?" "Here's 'Housekeeper' bothering me again," said the- editor. "She wants to know how to keep jars of preserves from getting mouldy on top." " That's easy," replied the sub., "Te'l her to turn them upside down." A SHOCK ALL ROUND. A young girl sat in her bedroom with a novel. Her hair was down and her feet were in red slippers. Now and then, extending her white arms,- she yawned. Yon see, it was very late, and downstairs in the drawingroom her older sister was entertaining a young man. She naturally felt a deep interest in the entertainment. She was waiting to hear how it would terminate. And at last there was a sound in the hall, a crash as of a closing door, and it was plain to the impatient girl that the young man had gone. She threw down her novel, and running forth, peered over the balustrade down into the hall's intense blackness. "Well, Maude," she said, "did you land him?" There was no immediate reply to her question. There wso a silence, a peculiar silence, a silence with a certain strained quality in it. Then a masculine voice replied: " She did." AROUSED SUSPICION. As the pedestrian reached the top of the hill, he came across a motor-car, standing silent. "Hullo," ho exclaimed to tha motorist. "Broken down?" "No." "Out of petrol?" "No; I'm familiar with this neighbourhood." "Dropped something from the car?" "Nothing of the sort." "Then why are you standing here? Why are you not tearing down the hill and across the level at a terrific epecd?" "I do not care to," says the owner of the machine. "I stopped my motor-car he:e so that I might enjoy the magnificent view from this elevation." With a frightened glance at. him, the pedestrian hastened to the nearest town to warn the officials that a manifestly insane person was at large in an automobile. ✓ THAT DECIDED HER. Pedlar (opening his pack): " I have liere, madam, an improved rat-trap, which " Woman of tha House: " We are never troubled with rats." "Which can be lxed for cracking nuls" , "We never eat nuts." " Or as a coffee-roaster. Adjusted in this manner, it" "We always buy our coffre. toasted." " Just so. Reversing the wires that form the upper portion, and bringing down the side flaps thus, we have a device for holding eggs when cooking." " We never eat «ggs'" "And my folding these wire loops, as you sea mo doing now, it makes a handv arrangement for holding a small mirror"

" Haven't the slightest- use for such a thing." "While by adjusting another small mirror in this position and another at thil angle, a:; you will notice, and placing it in a kitchen window, for example, it has the curious effect of enabling the observer, seated at one uide of the window and entirely out of sight, to see distinctly through any window that may I>> opposite, and to note what is going on inside; and all I ask for this most useful and comprehensive invention is 35.. which is about onehalf" "I'll take it.""— HOW THE CAMERA WORKS. '" You see ——" I explained ; " the lightgoes in at this little braes thing " pointing to thtt lens. " I thought tha' wath where the canary came out?" Bother these professionals, putting stupid nonsense like that into a child's nead ! " No, no ; there's no canary " " I thed your camra. watlm't pretty!" Freddy implied that he had viewed my apparatus with suspicion ever since he first met it; and now that he found it harboured no canary, 113 perceived his original judgment had been correct. " Cameras don't really have canaries in them," I said- " Mama tol' me thcrj wath a canary in th' camera when I was pho'grafed " I hastily retreated before this line of attack. Freddie's mother is a power to be reckoned with. "The light goes in at this little hole —" "Wha' light?" "The davlight. It goes in at this little hole " "Wha' hole?" "The hole in this little brass thing- -" '" Wha' brass thing ?" " Tliis braes thing. It's called the lens—" " Where'th ths hole?" " Here." "I call't,see any ho'c. I can only thee a pieth of glath!" "Well, when I said 'hole' I meant that piece of glass. It's a sort of window, you see, and the light goes into the camera through it —-r" "Whv doeth th' light go into th' eanira?" I wiped a.f!peTspiring brow. "The light goes through, into the camera, the same way that, light goes through a window—" "Dosth thombody live inthide th' camra?" : -"' -'■'"- " No,"-no!-- There is what is called a 'plate' inside the camera " ' Ith there something to eafc on the plate?" " No, no ■ The plate iii flat, and made of glass " " Ith it another window ?" "No, NO! The light strikes the plate "Wha' for?" " Because —because—Oh, dash it, how do I know? The plate strikes the light — no, no, I mean the. late prikes the stright —no, no, I mean—"' " When are you gwine to take th' pho' graf?" inquired Freddie pointedly. Which struck me as the most sensible thing that either of us had said go far. I therefore decided to abandon juvenile improvement, and proceed to photography. JUST A MATTER OF PRICE. We have frankly told the public of our intention to sell cycle and motor goods at prices quite unapproachable by other firms trading in Timaru. We enumerate a few lines below: —Mudguards, Bluemel's celluloid, Timaru price 7s 6d, our price 5s 9d. Gas lamp, Riemann's Phenomenon, Timaru price 12s 6d, our price 10s 9d. Cycle chains, Renolds' roller, any size, Timaru price 12s 6d, our price 9s. Cycle chains, Appleby's roller, any size, Timaru price 10s 6d, our price 5s 6d. C ar bide, finest Swedish, lib tins, Timaru price. 9d, our price 6d. Burners, screw or push-in pattern, Timaru price Is, our price 6d. Inner tubes,, best quality rubbar, Timaru price 6s 6d, our price os 6d. Free wheels, Crabbe, 8.5.A., Timaru price 12s 6d, our price 7s 6d. Rim brakes, Liberty front rim, Timaru price 10s, our price 7s 6d. Outfits, Empire (small), Timaru price 6d, our price 3d. Outfits, Empire (large), Timaru price Is, our price 6d. Toe straps, best leather, Timaru price 2s our price Is. Handle bars, nickel-plated Timaru price 7s 6d, our price 3s 6c' Pumps, Bluem-il's Reliable, Timaru price 2s 6d, our price Is 6d. Pumps, nickelplated, 9in, Timaru price Is 6d, our price Is. Pumps, nickel-plated, 16in. Timaru price 2s 6d, our price Is 6d. Pumps, nickel-plated, 18in, Timaru price 3s 6d, our price 2s. Our prices right, our quality right. Shop with us. Every day a bargain day at our store. —Adams, Ltd., the Arcade, Timaru. ...