Wit and Humour.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIC, Issue 13337, 13 July 1907, Page 4 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Work cures worry. To work fur lovo is to learn to love your work. It's not the engine with loudest exhaust that is hauling the longest train. It's not the profanity we utter so much as that we cause, for which we should be punished. A suburban girl boasts that her mistress is so rich that "all her flannel petticoats are made of silk." Mankind rather likes being preached at; he feels important; he has a rare fondness for being a sad dog. But he cannot endure being laughed at. He would rather be good. Cholly—Your father bowed to me very pleasantly on the street to-day. Edith. — Indeed. Mamma said he'd make some awful blunder if he went out without his glasses. Doctor—"Do you talk in your sleep?" Patient—"Xo, I talk in other peoi>le's. I'm a preacher." Lady—" lam so sorry your mistress is out. Do you think she will be at home this evening?" Maid—"'She'll have to be, it's- my night out." "Who does you reckon is the lazles'," said one coloured woman, "yob. husband or mine?" "I ain' gwintu guess." answered the other. "It's bad enough now, wifout stahtin' no competition." . Father: " Why, when I wast your age I didn't have as much money in a month as you spend in a day." *Son: "Well, father, don't scold me about it. Why don't you talk to grandfather?" Mr Sooter, to her little brother : "Jackv, if you tell me what Amy wants for "a Christmas present I'll bring you something nice." Jacky: "Well, I heard her tell maw she thought could work Mr Adams for a ring and Mr Jones for a -necklace, and that probably, if a warm spell came along and thawed you out, you'd send a sunburst-." A Disciple of Mr Campbell.—Mother-in-law (paying an Easter visit): " What! No Hot Cross buns? James, you've taken up with this New Theology '" A Bull Defined.—An Englishman, on tour recently in Ireland, asked his guide: "What is an Irish bull. Pat?" "Shure," asid Pat, "if you see six cows lyin' down in a paddock, and one of them's standin' up. that's a bull." Her Request.—She:" "You say you would do anything for me. Charlie." He (fervently): "I would, darlintr." She: "Well, you know how frightfully red my hair is*; I want you to die yours'red, just to keep me in countenance!" Another Senseless Inquiry.—Old Gent Ito FtnaH boy, who is nursing a skinned knee): "Did you fall down, little chap?" Small boy : " Yer didn't- think I fell up an' bashed agin a cloud, did yer!" Explained It.—"lt's very funny," said the housewife, "that the potatoes you bring should be so much bigger on top of the basket than they are at the bottom." " Miss," said the honest farmer, "it comes about this way: P'taters is growin' so fast just now that by the time I get a basketful dug the last ones is ever so much larger than the first ones." After preaching- a sermon on the fate of the wicked, an English clergyman met an old woman well known for her gossiping propensities, and he said, " I hope my pennon has borne fruit. You beard what I said about the place where there snail be wailing an& gnashing of teeth?" "Well, as to that," answered the dame, " if I 'as anything to say, it be this: Let them gnash their teeth: as has 'em—T ain't!" On The Other Hand.—A lady was gathering statistics for a temperance society publication: Talking one day to a dravman, a big, heavy, and red-faced .individual, she asked: "Well, now, my man. tell me how many glasses of beer yon drink during the course of a day." The man took his hat off. and scrat'clied his head. "Well, mum," he replied, "I don't know as W I can rightly tell you. Some days I 'as about thirty, but," brightening up, "on the other' hand, some davs I 'as quite a. lot." " ; Once Only.—Nora had been told to say at the front door that her mistress was not at home when certain callers appeared upon the scene. It evidently went much against the grain for her to make herself responsible for even so small a white lie. but she promised to dp so and, with certain, modifirationa, she kept her word. "Is Mrs. Blank at home?" queried the caller. " For this wan toime, Mrs. Smifher?, she ain't," said the maid; "but Hivin help her if yez ashk me again! I'll not loi twoice for annybody livin', upon me sowl I"

Fair Division.—A small boy recently became greatly enamoured of a little toy trumpet which had been given him. One night as he was being put in his little bed, he handed tho trumpet to his grandmother. "Here, gran'ma." he said, "you blow whileI pray. - ' When Mr Alvey A. Ades was employed at a Government office, ;i clerk was called to the 'phone, and asked for the name of the head of the. department. " Adee," he replied. "A. D- what?" "A. A. Adee." "Spell it, please." "A." "Yes." "A." ••y €S » "_\ ." ''You go to blazes!" and the receiver was indignantly hung up. The Heroine. —A lady novelist thus describes the youth of her heroine: 1 —"In that walled-iii garden of a place she, so young, so brilliant, so alluring, grew with the air of a Shirley poppy. That was the flower she most resembled, both in colour and her step." We confess to having seen a doorstep, but it has not been our privilege to witness the ambulatory exercises of a poppy. A Sure Thing.—A doctor who posed as something of a wit was passing a stonecutter's yard, when he stopped to speak to the proprietor, who was at work on a tombstone. "Ah," said the doctor, "I suppose when you hear someone is ill you get ready for contingencies; though, of course, I suppose, you never go beyond the words, 'ln memory of '" "Well, that all depends," was the response. "If you be a-doctoring of the patient I goes right on." Whose Was It.—An automobilist who was touring through the country saw, walkiDg ahead of him, a man followed by a dog. As the machine drew near them, the dog started suddenly to cross the road ; and he was hit by the car and killed immediately. The motorist stopped his machine and approached the man. " I'm verv sorry, my man, that this has happened," he said. "Will five dollars fix it?" "Oh yes," said the man, five dollars will fix it. I guess." Pocketing the money as the car disappeared in the distance he looked down at the dead animal. "I wonder whose dog it was?" he said. His Difficulty.—Mrs. Saunderson, benevolent soul, is never so happy as when she is entertaining her friends the aged poor, and at a recent feast in their honour it distressed her to notice that one of her guests, an old gentleman, was not getting on at all well with his dinner. " You don't seem to be getting on very well. Mr Johnson," she said, in concern. "Is tli'» cut. not to your liking?" "Oh, yes, ma'am," caid the good fellow; "but, you see, I have got a pickled onion in my mouth, and I have only one tooth, abd its awkward for ms to catch it. Yon*just wait till I get hold of it, and I shall be all right, ma'am!"'