WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume LXXXIII, Issue 12911, 27 February 1906, Page 7

WIT AND HUMOUR.

"A man can be almost anything he's a mind to be," lemarked Wiseman. "Yes; in his mind,* murmured Synnick. " I suppose 3'ou ; v? never been kissed by a man before''"' he said. "Do I look as plain,as that?" she demanded, haughtily. Visitor: " There's not much stir about the yard just now, my man; when is it buskst ?" Foreman :" " Oh, it's busiest when "the whistle blows for the mea to leave off work."

Mother (thoughtfully) : " I wonder why babies insist on being rocked?" Father (fiercely) : They don't. If they had their !own way they'd rather lie still and howl."

Jones: "What! Doing your own typewriting ?" Smith: "Yes,"i can't afford to hire a typewriter how.". Jones : " Why not-?" Smith: "I married the last one I had."

"What is more welcome than a full moon?" whispeied the poetic young man. " Why, a full coalscuttle," replied the practical girl, and. then he said no more.

''You made a funny error in. congratu-. lating -the -bride's father instead of the. bridegroom." Oldy Benedict: "No, I didn't. I've a daughter of my own, and I know what they cost."

First Officer's Servant:':. " Hallo, Tom. what's the matter with you?" Second Officer's Servant": "I'm in a frightful fix. Master told. me.to be sure and call him at six, and he didn't go to bed "till seven:" Aseum: "I .was surprised to hear you ask.Harduppe for the loan of a sovereign. You really didn't want it, did you?" Wisemain: "No,"but Tsuspected&e.wanted one, and! simpljr bim!'| Mamma: "' Nowi'; Mabel, Pm surprised at you." Mabel: '"Dear me, mamma, you're always bang surprised at me I -JWiU you. not- get used to me by and by?" Father: " What makes you think you can support my daughter?" * Suitor:" Well, I've been engaged to her for two years, and it hasn't broke me." . ~

Jackie: ■" I" say, papa, what's the derivation of millionaire?" Papa (who' has just got the bill for his wife's new bonnet): "I'm not sure.yJackie, but I think it must be derived from milliner."

sh's Dix -. " I was ashamed of you, John, to see you dust the- chair you sat on at Mrs Henshaw's. I saw her little boy watching yon." Dix: "I saw him, too. I'm too old a flash to be caught on a bent pin."

Tommy: "I should think the kangaroo would be a cold-country animal." Papa: " Why do you think so, Tommy?"- Tommy: -." Why, because he has such a nice breastpocket to warm his paws in!"

The man who invents a machine so that people can drop a penny in the slot and pick out a name for the baby will surely make a fortune. It will take ; so many pennies to get a name to suit. • First Undergraduate: " I've got a. rare manuscript to show you." Second Undergraduate: "Indeed! something uncommon?" First Undergraduate: "Yes, very uncommon, indeed; it's my tailor's bill—receipted." A five-year-old daughter of a prominent clergyman was listening to a story her father was relating to the family. At the conclusion of the story she turned to her father and said,."ls that the-truth, papa, or-are you just preaching?" "What's the.-row about?" inquired a stranger, - trying to force his way through the crowd in front of the building. "It's a plumber and a paper-hanger," replied a man standing on the Tvindow-sill. " They've done some work for each other, and they're trying to settle." Teacher of Juvenile Class: " Johnnie, what was the first thing the Puritans did when they landed at Plymouth Rock?" Johnnie: " They fell upon their knees." Teacher: " That's right, Johnnie. Now, Tommy, what was the next thing they did " Tommy : " They fell upon the aborigines."

After a certain block of tenements had been partly finished the builder and his foreman went on a tour of inspection. The former left his assistant in one house and went into the adjoining one, when the following conversation ensued: " Can you 'ear me, John?" "Yes." "Can you see me?" . "3f0." The jerry builder rejoined the foreman, and remarked with a self-satisfied, air.. "Now them's what, you can call walls.""

Said a man in a spirit of pique To his. wife, "In that hat- you're a frique, "Sir, you'll see how ,it feels To {jet yojir own meals!" Cried his wife .- " Ta-ta for a wique'."