WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume LXXXII, Issue 12796, 30 September 1905, Page 3 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Theie w j«. m, Jl(i ]i JC tßc . etc.* achieved by acting ajaiuM ihe advice _of our frsendc. The Lady: That ica t ijjc c.am-t* >tory you told me bcioit. Beggar : Xi. ladv; you didn't believe the other one." Tommy (dressed for evening riaiiv)Mother, *hall Ivl"L my hands c»i ji U { » a IDT giOTCS - -Susie; Papa. what male* a man always give a woman an tngag.ment ,ii,g V-Her «>i o ? M.ytiU«V the asked. _ tell you the tiutli." he answered. 1 don t krow that 1 cvtr drank ;t." Mrs Sequei; 1 nnderdand voiir husband can't meet his creditor.-. Mir. J-Wj . "I dont believe he panicularlv want* to Davey: So he ha* at last* ltd her to the altar! Jones: 1 don't know •whether he his led her or whether che has pushed him. Granger: I'm from X<«, York. Amurica~—Waiter (who h:.* not been tipped)Ritit ye arc, sir. Ml warn the other gaeris.' she: And do you think itV possible fur for a man to love two "iris :,t i] je Ml ne time?—He: Oh, yty; provided it isn'i also at the same place. Miss Edith: And what *Ld papa mv when y<.u went ti. hjm. Hcnrv: Wax ljiaigiy:—Henry: Arigiy: No": He acted if 1 didn't know of four other young fellows who might be induced to "take ronr tour sifters.

Auntie;• What, are you ihii.tjng about, my little pet. as you sit gazing irtU* ihe fire:—Little Pet (aged five and a-Lalf): I m wohdering, auntie, what I'm to do after I leave school while I am waiting to get married."' Histoty Repealed.—A Icaraod eJtigvman was talking with as illiterate preacher.' who professed to education. " You have been to college, I suppose T acted the latter. "I have, sir," was the curt ancwer. tlifi.nk.fui, s aid the ignorant one. that the Lord has opened my mouth to preach without learning." *'A cimilsr event occurred in Balaam's time" wan the retort."' They were seated in the dim ligiit of a c'.nseixat.i.iy. .she was j.laj4n a wjtiiher fan, and he wac munnuriiig Mift speeches in her car. Suddenly he leaned forward, and impressed a kic;s <.a her snft cheek. "Oh, Charlie."' ►he cried, "Low you frightened me." Then, afier a f-iw minutes, cLe *aid: " Frighten oe again, Charlie," "The thing for yon to do," the jjlivcidan *«d, "is to drink hot water an bour befora breaklaM every snaniing." "Write it down, doctor, so I won't forget it," said the , patient. Accordingly the phveician wrote * the direction* dtfwa. Tije *p a rictil It«.k IcaTf, as®' in a Lc atlumcdl. •' Well, how are yon feeling " the jihyrician. asked. " Worse, doctor; worse, if ajivliing," wit tie reply. - Ahem J. Diu y'm follow my advice jitid drink hot- water* an hour bifore breaHastf—"l did anr bcsl, fir," said tic young man. " but I -couldn't keep it up tniore'n ten minutes at a ctretch."" _ Mrs Style fat ll.e aftwooon reception): I'm bo utterly wav -obi, MTha.l dt» yon think happened to-dav' Xui-sc we-nt out for tieariy_aa hour and" ]«h me to ] ( ,t.k after baby. I irj <H!ti J faljgue. ive been really vox imwiti] in making mechanical figures." said il, e tciy anatiufactOTt'r. "! (only made one that «-onldn"'t work, and even that was a You #<-e. it was the figu» <.f a irimip."' Blttkcr: My eongratulationn :,n rr.-nr mairiflge u sth the eliarmitig widow, * o'd ™. an - 1 knew you called on her occasionally. but I had no idea rcru inl«u3cd to mapr. Me(kcr: Xeitber'did I tttrtil sh» had it all arranged. Rosebud: The brute 1 Re had the irtipndenoe to liy and kiss me. but fortunately_ *ome<-.n!_ came along just -at ihe time. Hoirid Old Woman : Xctit initid. jny dear, you can easily give hiin another opportunity, Minif'ter (to *ldci'ly female - I'm sonr to he.ar yotir potatoes are vere bad this year, .l;u.et,. ""need tliey are, sir: but I've j«ason to be lhaiil.it)' to I'rovadenoe that Tiber folks are as badlr aif as tnrccif." If one h< cart rttn a mi'e in one minute and 5". seconds atid another in two minutes, how far would the first horse be ahead in a of two miles?" A scholar Jt'turced the «nestion with Itis aJtaded : —I will hare nothing to do with horneraurg." Mts Modge : I do admite the w-omen votr dtaw. Mr Petiit l:. Tiicy"je «« bcatttiful and so tjcfined. Tell snc, who ic your model; Pcnrnk: Oh. my wije alwayn wt* for me. Mrs Mndge (with gitat surprise!: You don J ssy so! Well. ! think you're one of the cleverest men I know. Minister's Wife: Will you help me, dear. So put down tic drawing-room carjiet! Minister (veraiiously)—'We'L I suppose 1 shall have to. Minister"* Wife: And don't forget, dear while you are doing it, that you are a -.sitiiftcr of tbc Gospel. He: Tell m<-. my nreel, arc you mprr»til:ous? She.- Wbst a strange* qnesrionT Why do you want, to know! He: Answer me first. She -. Why. 1 ;.:n not ihe lend superstitioifli. He; Then 1 don't mind tiling you—you are «nv thirteentli sweetheart

" Year new Idler"* all right,*' sail! Tomiar Twaddle? to hi* big «Kter st tiie blcalii ."iM table. ** Fjn £ilad yon thank no.'* raid Pbyili*. JriUi j-blati aid :a glance at bcr da. ** 1 <rn bfrt Ibc in,"** o«M imied Tommy. " He"* a real *pwt. Wr. be gimmo a quarter not to id] what j ratr in tbe parlour last night—an' yon bet I won't tell, neither I"*

He: A marvelltju* dincoreiy. my dtir.r lady! - That life can be produced an V<7'iU*ed boulloii by the action of radium. What train* of thought il give* rise tol Whr, ti'w may hare happened in lii» wurld <>f our* million* «f year* ajjo 1 J!bc i Er—ye*, of coorne! 1 ®ndcj»taod that there might hare been radium lien, but—w—wfcci* did ibey get tbe beef tea* la the early day* Sir. Tinman tlpton denied hiomdi <tJaiort <tcjt pluamie except thai of «ÜB2*Hiillg & forient. f?a3HT»|g one day a a a Omwu] on bmancn* mittler* be win a cigar by the official. ** Xo, thank you," «r raid Sir Thorns* (then Mrl Lipi«i. *' Although I Jim the biggf'Kt smoker in England, I nerer tmoke cigar*."" "What «3» yoo Maoke?"" ra the KBrprifwt qoeiy. " Bacon," wa* the prompt typly.

rOLITHNESS defivkd at school. A school itsfbtr whiles that he told hj?« boy* and girl* to write a hundj>ed lines on pouleneKt—partly, as a punit-hmeii.t- ;tnd partly to awerlaia what Mock of thai rare commodity they had on hand. The remit wa» nc.t altogether discouraging, as the following extract* from the written paper* amply tertify:— POLITENESS. Polite ic to play a fair game. Polite ii to talk kind to every, pernon. Polite ii to *ay, " Hullo " to people when we nee them, and " ware did yon came from," and Do yen want anything,and " Ercnse me. Who i* it *" Polite is to lift your hat. Polite is to pa** "the food that i* on the table to the pcrnoa next you. \ou »honld not talk when yon ai* shewing the food yoo we eating? You murt col ».ing it table. Yoo m»*t not cry at table. Yoo muu cot W <m the table. Yoo tnort not look mad when t«u are eating. Yon mcrt cot sleep on the table. Polite i« not to lay on one wde of the chair.

Polite u yon mutt col iadifm. I It a* belter oc*t to aodife:* wftSi Ike ssrlf Uaey always arc tilling. Von awt comb vnor h'<iir* w hen v« go | Cat- * ' Yon rnott cot wait .and hit Tour feet down. Yon aratl not laugh at table. Yob njo*t col Kit and xq-ocal. Some men .arc more Jialhc than oilier*, for *ome wen aj* aaJcciot and d« not notice any women. Mofrt women ire wljcii liey .*« a gentleman they bow their head* and My " Good mormnig." The most pelite people I erer aav -ret* men and boy*, and women and «w»e mrK The *ava«e* that lire in Africa have no poiitesesc abost them, bnt whenever tier »ee anybody, tiey wilj ran after Ihcro and tiu them and bring them borne and eat them. . I wotdd Jjfce tie girls 1« be a 3ittJe mom cavil aid Dot be *o mean to hit us «sd *la|> a* on the back of tie wck. for vorocUme* Jhey hart very nrach, far Ihcy «* li&hlc to 3ul txn <*43. lie butk Aod break our co3waam &sd ibcs trc ■*rcn3d oot ccno# to school, mod Ibea we ircsH grovr «tcm4 «aa forget orr maaqei'iL