The Rivals.

Timaru Herald, Volume LXXXII, Issue 12796, 30 September 1905, Page 2 (Supplement)

The Rivals.

(By P. G. Wodeliouse.)

At the epoch which 1 write of quite the smartest men in town Were Marmaduke de Courcy and Adolphns Btummel-Biown; They led the trend of fashion in the very highest set They were recognised authorities on form and etiquette. If Marmaduke appeared in mauve, or didn't pari his hair, The parted locks were obsolete and mauve the only wear. And did Adolphus don pink socks to gratify a whim, Then everybody did the same. They always followed him.

Now, before this story opened, Mr Brum-mel-Brown had wooed The lovely daughter of an Earl, the Lady Ermyntrude. She'd accepted liis proposal when upon his knees he fell, But he didn't know de Courcy was in love with her as well. And Marmaduke turned pale with rage; bis silky locks he tore; Regardless of his trousers' crease, he writhed upon the floor. " A murrian on the dastard knave!" he muttered (which was rude). " By Jove, I'll cut the rotter out, and win my Ermyntrude!" For many weeks he worked amain, but worked without success. He got up several epigrams, displayed his taste in dress; He let her win from him at Bridge, though skilful in the art; But he only lost his money, and he couldn't win her hearts Then all at once a bright idea across his mind there shone; "In every fellow's cupboard stands at least one skeleton. I" put detectives on to him—for I have ample means— And when they've caught hum out, g.-id-Zooks! won't I just give him beans!"

He summoned private sleuth-honnds, and he put them on the -trail. He bade them watph Adolphus, and he urged them not to fail, To spare no pains in finding out how Brem-mel-Brown had sinned. The youngest sleuth-hound tapped hi? nr-se. the eldest sleuth-liound grinned. He waited for a week or two. They came with their report. "We've got him, sir!" the sleuth-hounds said. "To put the story short, This very morning, sir,' they said, "we copped the cove a treat. He was eating hot potatoes from a barrow in the street!"

(Alas! the charge was but too true. Though free from other sins, He had always had a passion for potatoes in their skins. He knew the taste was low and vile—in short, a social crime, But he couldn't check the craving, and he yielded every time.) The news delighted Marmaduke; he bounded in his glee. He pressed into their itching palms four times their proper fee; His eyes lit up with fell resolve; his hear! with triumph stirred. He called upon Adolphus, and he told hin: what- he'd heard. "If this should get about, my lad, you'd look a little blue; Society would cut you dead—that's what they'd do to you. But still I'll give you just one chance, and only one. Now, mark I Give up the Lady Ermyntrude, and I will keep this dark." Adolphus writhed, Adolphus raved, Adolphus had a fit. But not a way could he discern of wriggling out of it. He wrote a line to Ermyntrude to say farewell for aye, And she got it by the early poet upon the ensuing day. But mark the sequel! Brummel-Brown, distraught, with riven heart. Grew pale and melancholy, and preferred to mope apart. And to dispel that leaden grief, which. grips the soul and numbs, He took to feverish midnight wa'ks about the lower slums.

One night as he was roaming on his selfappointed beat, He spied a furtive figure at a barrow in the street. And his haggard face nest moment waa | divided by a grin : It was Marmaduke de Courcy—eating winkles with a pin! The rest does not take long to tell. The reunited pair Were married three weeks later at St. Peters, Eaton Square. The presents were both numerous and costly, so they say, And the bride looked very handsome, so declared the Press next day. And as for wicked Marmaduke, he met a fitting fate. He found it best to pack his boxes up and emigrate. And, according to the rnmours, is at present big-game shooting In the unexplored and trackless wastes of Peage or Upper Tooting.