WIT AND HUMOUR

Timaru Herald, Volume LXXXI, Issue 12583, 21 January 1905, Page 1 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

He—You are not the first girl I ever kissed. She—Then you've got a. lot to learn. ... "You needn't tell me, " averred Miss Batchgurl, "that golf isn't good exercise. It makes the young men so strong m _ the arms that —that- you can scarcely breathe. He—l met an old friend at the club, dear, who detained me. lie told me a slory which took my breath away. She —Took ycur breath away? I wish he were here now and would repeat it. He—There is one woman in this world who can thank me for icndering her liuppy for life. She—'Why, I didn't know you were married. He —I'm not; 1 broke tho engagement. People say that it is impossible lo find a needle in a haystack—but they're wrong. Mrs Kidder—How would you go about it? Mr Kidder—Walk across the stack in my stocking feet. Herbert—Did you get what you wanted yesterday? Horatio—Didn't even get what I deserved. Herbert—You'll hflidly get that in this world, you know. I should think you'd want to stave it off as long as possible. . , "Papa," he asked, "will the missionary go to Heaven?" "Yes, my son," replied the father. " And will the cannibals go there too?" "No," was tho reply. 'Well," said the little fellow, 'I don't see how the missionary can go to Heaven, if the cannibals don't, when he's inside the cannibals I"

Old Lady—l'm giving you nn extra penny, my good man, not- because I agree with this tipping, but because it gives mo a. little pleasure. Cab Tout—Right ho, mum. Make it tuppence, and enjoy yerself thoroughly! Carroll—Oh, by the way, Miss Westcott, there was something I wanted to say to you. Now' what'was it? FJo— Can't you think? Carroll—Wait a minute. Oh, yes, I remember now. Will yoa marry me? / ' .... Among the passengers by a tram into .Wellington the other day were half a dozen wahines, one of whom, on seeing an electric car whizzing along, shouted excitedly to the others something like "Haeremai! see te car no hoi'i bori," (horses), and, under the impression that the cars were' ft Christmas joke, they all burst out laughing. The car pulled up with a jerk, and after picking up a, passenger or two, went-on. Thinking that she could easily hold back the car "with no horses," one of the women laughingly held on to the handrail, and was vastly astonished when she picked herself up from the hard street. At the New Plymouth Magistrate's Court a few days ago a case was heard in which a nurse claimed fees for attending a defendant's wife during confinement. Tlie Magistrate thought the amount claimed rather excessive, and asked claimant if she did not think so also. On being told that the charge was 1 even reduced in this instance, the Magistrate texclaimed: "Good gracious; no wonder the birth-rate is declining if having ft- baby costs all this." Tlie "Hawera Star" says: —A - farmer who had observed that all the calves branded on being inoculated are marked witlij the letter "S," wanted to know why that particular letter was chosen. The broad arrow or "E.R." lie could understand, but why "S?" A suggestion that it was another illustration of-the prevailing influence of Seddonism struck him with force, but gave him no comfort. "Well, I am jiggered 1" he said. "He rates and taxes us, takes our land from ns, and now he claps his brand on our cattle 1" "The Russian language must be very difficult." "Yes," answered-the statesman. "I have observed that some people who have been familiar with the language from infancy don't feel quite sure of a Russian diplomat's meaning when he seems to be expressing himself in the simplest terms 1 ."

THE ENGLISH TONGUE.

When the English tongue we speak Why is break not rhymed with "freak?" Will you tell me why it's true Tge- say "sew," but likewise "few;" And the maker of a verse Cannot cap his "horse" with worse? "Beard" sounds not the same as "li&ird" ;

"Cord is different from "word"; "Cow" is "cow," but "low" is "low"; "Shoe" is never rhymed with "foe." Think of "Lose" and "close" and "lose"; And of "goose"—and yet of "choose." Think of ' comb" and "tomb" and "bomb" "Doll" and "roll"; and "home" av.d "some." ' And since " pay" is rhymed with "say," Why not "paid" with "said," I pray? We have "blood" and "food" and "good" ; "Mould" is not pronounced with 'could," Wherefore "done," but "gone" and "lone!" Is there any reason known? And, in short, it seems to me Sound Lewis Carroll, in a letter to a child friend, once mentioned a few things tliatho would like for his birthday. "Well, I like very much, indeed, a- little mustard witli a bit of beef spread thinly under it ; and I like brown sugar wily it should have some apple pudding mixed with it to keep it from being too sweet; and what I like best of all is salt, with some soup -poured over it. The use of soup is to hinder the salt from being too dry, and helps to melt it. Then there are other things that I like —for instance, pins—only they should always have a cushion put around ■ • keep them warm. And I like two or three handfuls of hair—only they should have ai little head beneath them to grow on, or else whenever you open the door they get blown all over the rodrn,' and then they get lost, you know."

SMART 1

A smart Yankee called at a livery stable and wanted a double team for a ten days trip into the country, and the stableman refused to let him have one, because lie wis a stranger.' There woe much discussion, and finally the Yankee said: — "What is your team worth?" "Four hundred and fifty dollars." _ ■ "If I pay you'that sum for it, will I ' you buy it back again, when I return?" said the customer; and upon receiving an affinitive reply he promptly put up the cash. . Ten days later lie returned, and driving into the stable he alighted and entered the office saying: "Well, liore is your team and now I want my money back." The sum was passed to liim, ancl lie turned and was leaving Ihe place when the liveryman called out, "Look here. ■ areu t you going to .settle for that team?" "For what team?" asked the Yankee, in a surprised tone. "For the one you just brought back." "Well, now," drawled the Yankee, -youaren't fool enough to think that I would pay anybody for the use of my own property, are you?"

AFTER MARRIAGE

I "Georgie," she said, aud there were what I a novelist would call tears iri her eyes [as she spoke. "I- don't believe you, lovo mo any more." " Evelyn," he said, " don t be foolish. "There!" she exclaimed. "There's evidence' of the truth of what I said. 'Den t be foolish!' Did you ever speak to ins that way before we were married. 'No, my- dear ; I did not not, he admitted ?" .... • „ "Then," slie said reproaclifulh. i.v slightest wish was law; then you never sat round like a dummy, smoking a cig-ir and reading a paper when J was in mo room; then you seemed anxious to please me, and ever were on die watch to do some little favour of me." "It is true,' he admitted. "You never were lazy then," she, went on. You were full of life and spirits; you were energetic." "Quite true," he said. "If you loved me as much as you dirt then," she persisted, "you would strive valiantly as ever." "My 'dear," he said in that ca. 111, dispassionate tone that makes the average wife ■want to get a poker or a broom, did you ever see a boy trying to get an apple or a cherry that was a little out of his reach?" „ "Certainly," she answered ; f »ut—"He keeps jumping and jumping until he gets it, doesn't he?" "Of course." "But does lie continue jumping after he has got it?" . . „ "Certainly not. There's 110 need of it. "Well," 'he said, as he turned to bin paper again, "you're my cherry, and I don't see any reason why I should keep ~on jumping any more than the boy." She didn't say anything ; but she thought "and thought, and the more She thought the more undecided she became as to whe-* ther she ought to be angry or not.