FUN AND FANCY.

Timaru Herald, Volume LXXVIII, Issue 12021, 21 March 1903, Page 3 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY.

" Doesn't your brother Tommy aver irr*e you anything, Johnny?" " I should say hj« did. He's the one what give me the mumps and the measles." Lady of the House: " Well, Professor, I hope you are enjoying your dinner?" Professor: "Oh, yes; I have to-day an appetite worthy of a better cause!" Soene: Birmingham, New Street Railway fetation.—Passenger (leaning out of window) : "Does it rain, porter?" "No, sir," was the prompt reply; "it rains water." Fame is very easily acquired. All you have to do is- to be in the right place at the right time, and do the right thing in the right way—and then advertise itt properly. 1 " See here," protested the charitable man, I gave you a shilling last week, and here you are again." "Well, gee whitaker !" exclaimed the beggar, " ain't you earned anything since?" Cora: "Oh, papa, why have you moved the sofa out into the middle of the room?" Papa: "I thought you would wmt it there, since you have hung the mistletoe on the chandelier." Doctor: "Your temperature is up to 103 Auctioneer (drowsily): "Hundred an three! Hundred an'three! Going, going at hundred an' three! Who'll make it a hundred an' four?" The professor drew his overcoat closely about him as he walked down the long narrow passage-way between the two rows of split hogs hanging up in the great packing house. "The aisles of grease!" he muttered. Judge : " I see you lost a couple of frontl teeth m the fight," Prisoner: "No, your honour, I didn't lose them." Judge: " But thejr are missing." Prisoner: " Yes,' but I swallowed them." •" Tommy," cried Tommy's mother from the window, *' didn't I tell you not to sit down on the damp grass?" " Yes, mamma," returned Tommy. "I ain't doing it. I wiped this grass with a towel before I sat) do'wn." Millie: "Never mind, dear, if he has jilted you! There are just as good fish in the sea as ever were caught. Does not that comfort you?" Elma: "No. Not when I remember how long it takes sometimes 'to get a bite." A very thin man having seen an advertisement in a newspaper headed "How to get fat," sent the required fee, and, after waiting several days for a reply from the advertiser, received the simple information: "Buy it at the butcher's." A certain woman assured her husband she never told him a lie and never would. He told her he did not doubt it, but would hereaifter cut a notch in the piano when he knew she deceived him. " No, you won't!" she screamed. " I'm not going to have my piano ruined!" The waiter girl at our table was imbued with a sincere desire to give satisfaction. She did her best to get from the kitchen precisely what each customer asked for, and she succeeded very well indeed. The other day at dinner she said interrogatively to each mam in turn "Chicken or tomato soup?'\ And one made answer, "Tomayto," and the second said, " Tomawto soup, please," and the third added "I'll take tomatto." Whereupon the intelligent maiden delivered the several orders into the kitchen in this wise : " One to'mayto soup, one tomawto soup and one tomatto soup." Thus each customer received precisely what he had asked for, and was happy until the next order was taken. But that is another course.

Mr Jones kept a toy shop, and among various things sold fishing-rods. For tthei purpose of advertising them he had a large rod hanging outside, with an artificial fish at the end of it>. Latie one night, when, most people were in bed, a man who waa rather the worse for his night's enjoymanti happened to see this fish. He looked at it, and then went cautiously up to the door and knocked gently. Jones did not hear this, so after the man had knocked a little louder he responded at the window up above. "Who's there?" said Jones. "Don't make a noise," said the man, in a whisper, "but come down as quietly as you can." At this request our friend thought there must be something the matter. So, after dressing and coming down as quietly asi possible, he proceeded to ask what it was. "What is the matter?" he inquired. "Sh!" said the man. "Pull your line in, quick; you've got a bite!"

" THAT " SIX TIMES. There is one word in the English language which can appear six times consecutively in a' sentence and make correct Eng- • lis-h. To illustrate : A boy wrote on the blackboard : " The man that lies does wrong." The teacher objected to the word " that," so the word "who" was substituted. And yet it must be evident to the reader, for all that, that that "that" that that teacher objected to was right after all. NEW TABLE OP VALUES. " Now, children," said the teacher to the class in advanced arithmetic, " you may recite in unison the table of values." And the children repeated in chorus : " Ten mills make a trust, " Ten trusts make a combine, . • " Ten combines make a merger, " Ten mergers make a magnate, " One magnate makes the money." " DIS DARKEY'S" BELIEF. Mr Booker Washington, the friend of the American negro, and reformer, tells the following true story : An old negro was working in the cottonfield one hot day in July. Suddenly he stopped, and looking toward the sky he exclaimed : "0 Lawd, de cotton am so grassy, de wuk am so hard, an' de sun am so hot, dat I b'live dis darky am called to preach!" ROBERT AND THE IRON PLUM. A coster having weighed out a pound of plums for a customer, threw the top one, back on to the barrow. A few moments later a policeman passed, and, wishing to sample the fruit, picked up a specimen which happened to be the one the coster had just put back. Robert took a 'bite, but instead of his teeth meeting each other through the plum, as he had expected, they did not even penetrate the surface. . Removing the plum from his mouth the policeman examined it, to find that it was madei of iron; the coster, of course, was in the habit, of using it regularly as a makeweight. WHAT HE DID MEAN. " Yes," said Mr Jones, when a certain girl's name had been mentioned, " I know her to speak to, but not by sight." "You mean," cut in the prompt corrector, " you mean that you know her by sight, but not to speak to." " Do I?" asked Mr Jones, anxiously. "Of course you do. You have seen her so often that you know who she is, but have never been introduced to her. Isn't that it?" " No, that isn't it. I never saw her at all to know her, but I speak lo her nearly every day." " How can that be?" "She is the telephone girl at the Exchange." HEROISM ON THE CABBAGE FIELD. An old soldier tolls how ho missed tho Victoria Cross: —"I was once sent out to Ind'a with a regiment to be pushed forward to the front, as a fierce war was going on. But one night wo were suddenly attacked, and I got separated from my comrades, and wandered about in the (hick sci.'ub for nearly three hour.-', until I suddenly came into the open. 'I then laid myself Hat on the ground to listen, as it was very dark. But I suddenly fancied I could see the enemy in front of me kneeling. I sprang to my feet, determined to cut some of them down before I was overpowered and shot ; and, dashing forward, I slashed right and left until daylight broke over me, when I. found (hat I had beheaded 550 r«d cabbages !'' ,