FUN AND FANCY.

Timaru Herald, Volume LXXVIII, Issue 11980, 31 January 1903, Page 3 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY.

When woman talks man listens—if he is wise.

" So Gayboy has recovered?" "Y es Inelucky fellow was too poor to be operated on." l

A woman's idea of a true friend is one who admires her children as much a* »h. does herself.

Oftentimes a man will sit in judgment on it victim whose sins are white as snow compared with his own.

Why is the "heir apparent" to a throne like an umbrella in dry weather?— Because lie s ready for the next reign. Perhaps, after-all, babies do understand the language women talk to them—and stay awake at nights to get even. Small hoy (in fish market): "Have you any dry fish?" Fisherman: "Yes, sonnfe°" femaU boy: "Well, give them a drink,

™ \ I , tav€ become engaged, to Fred. The brother: "What induced you to do that?" The sister: "Whv T?red of course!" J '

Little Boy (who has been chased out of tile farmyard by a turkey): "All rizht' Just wait till Christmas and 111 knock the stuthng out of youl" " If there are two things I hate they axe cats and alarm, clocks." "Sure; but it's a nice combination if you can manage to Hit the one with the other." The man who doesn't believe in hiding his light under a bushel usually feels that a bushel isn't large enough to hide it. Any man has a right to consider .himself a gifted) orator who can get people to 7 stav in a roora and listen to him talk for two hours without having the door locked. Going away on vacation, old man? You need it, for you look aU fagged out." Great Scott! isn't that proof enough' that ive been on my vacation and just got

_ Mistress: I hope you washed the fish thoroughly before you put it on the broiler?" Maid: Shure, what would be the use of that, ma am ? Hasn't it been livin' in th» water all its loife?"

i. J,°?-^ BILt eat your'cake and have it, too? Dat's rig-lit," answered Mr Erastus linkley, but on de yuthub hand', if' you ~ T ?«. sickens you doesn't run no risk o 'habbm' them stole."

First gossip: "I se e Bell is on his feet again. Second gossip :"No he isn't. He ■hasnfc a farthing. Why, he's had to sell his horse and carriage!" First gossip : Ihat s what I mean. Now he walks 1" Angry Father-in-law: "Didn't you tell me when, you married my daughter that you were worth £40,000?" Son-in-law: " No, sir; I said that I could lay my hand on £40,000, but had I done so I should now be in gaol." Wife of his Bosom: "How does it happen, dear, that you are never accused of misrepresenting eminent men in your report* of interviews?" Experienced Interviewer : " I don't print what they say, but what they ought to say." Grandpa: " Yes, it's a good thing for a boy to travel, Freddy. It develops him. If he has anything in him, travel- will bring it out." Freddy (who is precocious) : " Yes, I discovered that when I was crossing the Channel." Oholly: "I've tried! every way to win her. I even told her I loved her cat." Helen: "What did she say?" Cholly: "Said that when she went away on her wedding tour she would let jne take care *f the cat till she got back." She : " I'm glad we went. It was an excellent performance—and for such a charitable purpose." Her Husband": "Yes; indeed! We all feel a thrill of satisfaction when we do something for charity and get the worth of our money at the same time."

M'Parritch: "Mon, it's awfu'! M'Oata yonder's gaen clean daft; I saw him wi' ma ain e'en gi'e awa saxpence tae a beggarmon." M'Meal: "Ge gox! He's no daft; he's followin' the evil, eenequitous example set up by Carnegie o' Skibo. What's becomin,' o' Bonnie Scotlan' at a', at a'?"

Very Stout Old Lady (watching the lions fed): " 'Pears to me, mister, that ain't a very big piece o' meat for such an animal." Attendant (with the greatest and most stupendous show of politeness on earth) : " I s'pose it does seem like a small piece of meat to you, ma'am, but it's big enough for the lion." As Paddy was going along the street one day he came across a chip potato van drawn, by an ass. He stood and looked at it for som e time, when a passer-by asked him what he was staring at. " Oh," says Paddy, " begorra, an' Oi've seen mamy a lazy ass in Oireland, but Oi've never seen wan that needs a stame engine to push it." THE DAY HAD ARRIVED. " George, dear," sa,id Mrs Darley to her husband, as she poured out the tea the other evening, " I drew ail my money out of the savings bank to-day and went shopping with it. I spent every penny." "But, my dear," protested George; "the understanding was that our savings were put by for a rainy day." " Precisely ; and my dear b»y will remember that to-day was one of the rainiest days we have had for several months." OBJECTED TO SMELL OF BURNED

RUBBER. Satan: " What did you say you were before you came here?" Newcomer: " I was the maker of the only perfect pneumatic ever invented, and I have ' a few samples with me, which I should like to show you." Satan : " H'm; made of rubber, eh? Well, I guess you can go. I don't want you in here. The smell of burning sulphur is as much as I can stand." A DEED OF DARKNESS. He sits alone in a darkened room, alone in the fading light. Why are his brows so hea,vy with gloom and his cheeks so deadly white? But though his heart is faint with care, his courage never flinches ; his eyes are fixed in a glassy stare; what is it his firm hand clinches? " A little courage," he murmurs; " yes, a! little, and all is won." A choking gurgle, more or less—a gasp and the deed is done! Without a shudder or eyelid wink—Ah! it makes the heart recoil, that he so quietly and calmly drank a dose of castor oil. AT HOME AND ABROAD. A few days ago an elderly gentleman and his wife were walking along a well-known street when a lady, in crossing the road, fell down. The old gentlemam rushed to her assistance and helped her in every possible way. When he returned to his wife she shook her fist at him. - ! "It's all right, it's all right," he whispered. '" Yes, I know it's all right," she replied, hotly. "Here's an unknown woman falls down, and you plough across the street to help her; and the other day, when I fell downstairs, you wanted to know if I was practising for a circus." HANDICAPPED. An Irishman being challenged to fight a duel, and knowing his opponent to be a crack shot, while he himself was a very indifferent one, called at his .antagonist's house the day before the time appointed. " You have challenged mo to fight a duel, Mr Finnegan," said l he. " Sfes," replied Mr Finnegan; " and, be jabers, if ye won't foight, Tim Murphy, I'll make a lifeless corpse of ye-" " But, look here," said Tim, " ye're a much better shot nor I am; and it's not fair." 'Well, Tim, we must foight, for the honour of ould Oireland. But as I am the bist shot, ev ye can suggest a plan so that it may b» a more ayven match I am quite agreeable." "Well, Mister Finnegan, I was thinking the matter over lasht noighfc, and I came to the conclusion that the only fair way would be to Jet mo slitand three or four yards nearer to you than you are to me."