A MINISTRY OF STATE CONTROL

Taranaki Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 16462, 14 June 1919, Page 4

A MINISTRY OF STATE CONTROL

.“THE LATEST LAUGH.-, AN AMUSING SKIT, , ■Under -the title ‘ ‘The Latest Laugh : A Red-Tape - Skit,” there was published recently a delightful docket of registered papers, minutes, and. correspondence’''showing how the ‘Ministry or State'Control” dealt .with an application of Jonas Rowbottom, a Cheshire cowkeeper, for an order for TOcwt of cow-cake. The. remarkable girt which is attributed to some "control departments of doing nothing <rt all in the most elaborate possible way has been often satirised before (says the Manchester Guardian’s reviewer), but never, perhaps, with such ness as in this bundle of “official papers.” It is a caricature, of course, but like all good caricature is preserves the likeness of The original. Ihe authorship is anonymous, but we are perhaps not far wrong in attributing the skit to a group of officials well practised in the art of writing round a subject without touching , it. The docket can he bought for fifteen pence. It is difficult to summarise the skit, for a large part of its humour lies in its solemn infitation of official forms and phraseology, but the following condensation will give some idea of it;, — THE GAME BEGINS. Jonas Rowbottom explains to the Minister of State Control (on April 1) that he wants his order for halt a ton of cow-cake at once, as ho has some nice beasts fattening up for the fat stock market. Four days later the Minister (through the Secretary to the Secretary) acknowledges receipt of the application, and states that the matter shall receive attention. Then of reference te fho,’Secretary to; the Secretary forwards Aho application to his own as*istant;.pi?ivate secretary,, asking her to sendmt: on to the Director, Section F of th© Ministry (Cattle Food Products).- ■ The Director refers it to the head of a sub-section, (Mr. Dallymore) with the following note;— _ “I should be glad to hear what action yon would consider, appropriate; for I don’t know to what extent wo should officially eounteriarice the proposed fattening of cattle in this manner To my thinking, indeed, it has never been satisfactorily pnpvcd that the meat value accruing directly as a result of the fattening process bears the favourable ratio that is often assumed to? the added cost of maintenance plus that of additional fattening food.” L -- Mr. Dallymore responds, with a page and a quarter of closely-written foolscap : * fc Xn view of your doubts—wliicn I am bound to say have communicated themselves also to me—l. would suggest that although, according to usual practice, an applicant owning cattle wbo sought to obtain cattle-food might not expect to meet with official contravention of his'view that* fat cattle were better than thin, considered from the view-point of economic value, nevertheless, in face of your expert statistical opinion, it would seem indeed reprehensible. to proceed further in this matter without first. .Makingadequate investigation.” , The writer suggests that thb Subject .would; provide suitable ground- ‘Tor exploration by a Special Commission;’.’ whose terms of rcference .be slietches. ; The Commission, he suggests, should consider and report as to whether in view of, etc., etc.,; “it were not better, both for man and .beast,- physically and morally, as well as better .economically and materially for the-; nation, that the beast were slain out of hand without any fattening : process being attempted.'' 1; ; By May 15 the dairyman gets impatient 'find writes .’.asking,- ' “What about That cow; cake? * Is -it ever coming? . I want it; bad. My. beasts are losing condition',,..so .please burry UP ' -;F “OBSERVATIONS.”

' Meantime, the Director brings Mr. DaUyiPore’s “acute observation” -. and. §roposals to the notice of the Chief ecrefary, who in turn asks for the observations of the Directors of Cattle Axe -Production, Beef Inspectorate, and Shippon Workers’ Moral .Welfare Pepartmenf, “as the question of issue seems to impinge on your respective spheres of work or interest.” All three' make observadk-ons at length. Those of the Director,. Beef Inspectorate, are perhaps the best: : “My 1208 inspectors report to me almost-unanimously after very careful investigations that some .of the meat exposed for sale in butchers’ shops carries a greater proportion of fat than other meat similarly exposed. Further inquiries tended to show that some purchasers of meat preferred a certain proportion of fat, while, on the other hand,: other purdhasara desired the greatest possible elimination of fat. In view of'-this disparity, and with a view to greater exactness, I caused to he issued to 14,798 of tha leading meat purveyors of the country a questionnaire asking whether the majority of their customers preferred fat meat or lean. , After a few weeks’ interval the replies were carefully tabulated, and in .view of the overwhelming majority of those in favour of lean meat (the exact numbers were: four replies in favour of lean and only one in favour of.fat) sea footnote). I have therefore no hesitation in supporting Mr. Dauymore’s suggestion of a commission as to' the whole subject of the advisability of fattening cattle, “Footnote. —This one reply was a little obscure, the answer being but the single word ‘Fat-heads.’ I took tins to mean that the butcher in question dealt only in heads, and that his customers preferred them fat. The answer, though in some doubt, was therefore classified as ‘fat.’ ”

This brings us only to the beginning of the' official correspondence on the great topic and its ramifications. The “observations” go on for pages and pages, punctuated hero and there by angry notes end telegrams from the exasperated cowkeeper who never gets his order after all. A '‘FORM OF APPLICATION.’* We have no room to follow the comedy to its end, but there is one delicious form (“Application for Cowcake”) from which we quote the following out of the twenty questions: (1) Full name and address of applicant, (2) State whether Church of England or Protestant, or both, (3) Do yon really want cow-cake P (4) What do you want it for ?, (5) I>o you keep cows P , , . (9) Why! do you keep them? foO|. 3Dloi they, grefejf-to be milked

from the right side or the left? State why. (11) Do you know any other cowkfeepers? , Give lull names and addresses. ■ - • (12) Are tiiey likely to want cowcake, too, if you gel it? Give reasons for answer. (13) How it is given to cows—(a) to crunch, or (b) served in hot milk? . . . (18) Write your full name and address. (19) Write it again clearly. (20) Dull name and address of applicant..