FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 17 August 1935, Page 19 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

MAKING SURE. New boarder: When I left my last place landlady wept. Landlady: I won’t— you’ll have to pay hi advance. » # • • the other kind. Private Brown (writing home): Hi, Bill! How d’yer spell “fort”? Private Smith: F-O-r-t. Private Brbwn: I don’t mean that blooming “fort.” I mean the “fort” what you fink. W # * * PEACE AT ALL COSTS. At last he had succeeded in gaining an interview with the eminent editor. “I have a poem here advocating peace,” he said heavily. The editor picked it up. “I suppose," he said, after a while, “that you yourself honestly and sincerely desire peace?" “Most decidedly,” Said, the poet. “Then bum the poem,” advised the editor smoothly. # # • • ROUGH ON HIM.

A barber was scraping away industriously for a while. Presently he made the usual inquiry. “Razor all right, sir?” he asked. “My good fellow,” replied the customer, “if you hadn’t mentioned it I should never have known there was a razor on my face.” The barber beamed. “Thank you, sir—thank you!” he murmured. ( “No, I should have thought you were using a file,” came the sharp retort. * # # * HIS PREFERENCE. “It gives me great pleasure, O’Connor, to pin this, medal °n your breast,” said the commander, “and to tell you that I am also placing twenty-five dollars to your credit in the hank.” “Thank ye, sorr,” said the private. “But, sorr—" “Yes?” “If ye wouldn't mind now, sorr,” said O’Connor, “couldn’t ye pin the twenty-five dollars on me breast and, put the medal in the bank?” « REAL patriotism. Most of the family were at the window, waiting for the jubilee procession to pass. Suddenly the mother asked her eldest daughter, ’’Where’s Phyllis?” “Upstairs,” came the reply, “waving her hair.” “Why?” asked the mother, unthinkingly; ‘.‘hasn’t she got a flag?” « # * * NICELY CAUGHT. She gazed dreamily into his eyes. “George, dear,” she said, “you will give up going to the club and stay at home when we’re married, won’t you?” He smiled reassuringly. “Why, yes, my pet, if you wish it,” he replied. “Of course I wish it, darling,” she went on. “Who will look after the house when I’m out, if you aren't in?" ft ft ft ft twofold. “Dr. Bottles is a very wealthy man they tell me,” said Hayes. “How can an ordinary village practitioner make so much?” Freeman smiled knowingly. “Dr, Bottles is very lucky,” he replied. “He owns a large number of shares in a very prosperous oil well.” Hayes nodded. “I see," he replied, “he makes money from the sick and the well, too.” * » » * THE LATEST. Mrs. Shopalot: Can you alter this dress to fit me? Assistant: I’m afraid not, madam. That isn't done any more. You will have to be altered to fit the dress. ##' * # HIS CHOICE. -■ Finder: Madam, I have found your glove. Advertiser: Oh, thank you so much'. What reward do you require? Finder: The other glove, please. .*#. ' # « DOCTOR’S ORDERS. The doctor’s wife burst into her husband’s capsuiting room. “John," she exclaimed breathlessly, “did you give a woman a certificate today saying that it was necessary for her health to tak? a day off?” The doctor, who was rather absentminded, nodded vacantly. “Yes, my dear,” he replied, “I believe I did.” ’’Very well, then," she grimly announced, “that means yen'll have to get your own dinner to-night. That woman was our cook." * « » # FORWARD, PLEASE. “Jackson " said the proprietor of the music shop, "I'm going out far a while. You-will be in charge of the shop.” “Very gopd, sir,” replied the boy, “Nqw, I suppose you know what to fio if a customer comes in and wants to look at a piano, organ, flute, banjo, or manfiolin;« you know what to show him?” went on the proprietor. The boy nodded. “And supposing one should want to see a lyre," asked the other. His assistant looked thoughtful, then said:— “Oh, in thdt ease, sir, I’d send for you at opce." ' ■ # ♦ # * HIS MISTAKE. “I hear you w6re thrown dpt of the side exit ef the town hall on your face the other day,”' Said Williams, meeting the luckless victim. “What happened exactly? The bandaged face set grimly. “I got up and told the doorkeeper fellow that I came from a very important local family,” said the victim. “Well?” asked the sympathetic Williams. “He begged my pardon and asked me back again," said the Other. "Then he threw me out of the frpnt door.” * V * * NO SPEED MERCHANT. Doctor: Are you still taking a cold dip every morning? Patient: No, J stopped doing that to save time, Doctor: Why, a cold plunge doesn’t take more than a minute or two. Patient: I know, but I used to spend half an hour in bed hesitating. « * * * HAD. Mike; Begorra, Pat, I was too. elever fdr that customer. He tried to pass 4 bad half-crown on me. Pat: And you gave it back to him? Mike: Yes, I mixed it up with the pennies in his change. w # # « BEYOND HIM. “What i§ to-day's date?” “I don’t know. Why don’t you look at the newspaper you have in ypur pocket?” , “That’s np good; it’s yesterday's” # ’ • * if TICKED OFF. Conjurer: Now, sir, you hear your watch ticking inside this handkerchief. Are you satisfied? Member of the audience (delightedly): More *ian satisfied. It hasn’t been going for a month.