FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 13 April 1935, Page 22 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

DUE RESPECT. Diner: This steak is burnt black, waiter. Waiter (solemnly): Mark of respect, sir. Our manager died yesterday. HELP. She: Oh, John, there is a man singing outside in the street. Can’t we help him? He: You can if you want, dear—you know I can’t sing. * # *>. • A LAST DIG. Two women who had always had a more or less secret grudge against each other met .at a tea party. They began to quarrel about their ages, until one of them said, “Let us stop quarrelling. I never knew who my mother was—she deserted me when I was a baby. Who knows but that you may have been that heartless parent?” # # # # THAT SETTLED HIM. “Mabel,” said the persistent suitor, “I can’t help speaking to you again. It is true you have said ‘No’ very emphatically to every proposal—” “Not at all,” interrupted the sweet girl. “I said ‘Yes’ on New Year’s Day.” “On New Year’s Day? Er—l wasn't here on New Year’s Day.” “No, but Jack Hansom was.” * # * . « Macpherson arrived at the office half an hour late. “What’s this mean?” inquired the chief. “Well, it was like this,” replied Macpherson; “I squeezed too much paste out of the tube, and it took me a good halfhour to get the stuff back again.” # # # • Jones: Sandstone has asked me to lend him a couple of pounds, and I don’t know whether to do it or not. Would you? Smith (earnestly): I would, old man. He has invited me to dinner this, evening. * * * # “What did the doctor say when you saw him yesterday, old man?” “Oh, there’s nothing really wrong, but I’m to keep off beer, wine, and cocktails, and—” “And whisky, I suppose?” “I don’t know. He didn’t say, and I certainly wasn’t going ter ask silly questions.”

A boastful American was holding forth on the merits of his watch to a number of uninterested clubmen. At last one of the men decided he lould stand it no longer. r “That’s nothing," he interrupted. “I dropped my watch into the Thames a year ago, and it’s been .running ever since.” The American looked taken aback. “What!” he exclaimed, “the same watch?” The other rose and slowly moved to the door. “No,” he replied, “the Thames.” « # # # “Good morning, ma’am!” said a shab-bily-dressed visitor. “Is it here that you are offering a reward for a lost dog?” “That’s right,” said the cottager, her face lighting up with expectation. “The reward was ten shillings. Have you come to tell me that you’ve found my little dog?” “No, not yet, ma’am,” said the other with a grimace. “But as I was just going in search of the dog I thought you might let me have a little of the reward on account.” # # * # VALUE. Assistant:. For value there is nothing on the market to compare with this at the price. Customer: And how much is it? Assistant: One moment, madam, I’ll ask the manager. * * * * DOGS AND BAD NAMES. Convict (to visitor): It’s an awful thing to know that you have been given a number and will always remain an object of suspicion to the police. Visitor: I shouldn’t let that worry you too much. You’ve got several thousand, motorists to keep you company, a # * * FIRST SLIP SLIPS. One of the guests at the cricket dinner told how he had taken a stroll to the cricket field and seen that the home team was in the field. He related he* - he had- seen first slip drop three successive soft chances. At last he turned to a spectator and asked, “Who is that fellow with butter-fingers?” “Oh,” explained the other man, “that’s our secretary. You see, everything has to pass through his hands.” # * # * NOCTURNAL NONSENSE. “What do you mean by coming home at this hour?” “Well, dad, I have to be at the office by nine. # # * * THE PROSPECT. Mountain Guide: Be careful not to fall here. It’s dangerous. But if you do fall, remember to look to the left. You get a wonderful view. * * * • SHOCKING. Convict (to warder): Sir, someone's taken a pencil out of my cell. Warder: What! Do you mean to say we have thieves in prison? # * * * DEW. « * * * “When rain falls, does it ever arise again?” asked the professor. “Yes, sir.” “When?” “Why, in dew time.” “That will dew, sir.” * * * * REPLY TO READER. “Is an army officer’s pay enough for him to live on?” asks a reader. It depends on what kind of mess he get in.

TIME NONPAYMENT SYSTEM. “Good morning! Will you take a chair?” “No, thank you, ma’am. I’ve come to take the wireless set.” « t # # . THE PARTING. Englishman: Au reservoir! Frenchman: Tanks! * * « * TOO BAD. Doctor; Are you ill? Let me see your tongue. Poet: Ah, it is no use; no tongue can tell how bad I feel. # * * * . . THE WRONG IMPRESSION. Angry Guide: Why didn’t you shoot that tiger?” Timid Hunter: He—er—hadn’t the right expression on his face for a rug. # # # * SHORT STORY. Sail. Gale. Pale. Rail. * # * • IF NOT FAST. A racehorse has been named “Mother-in-Law.” She’s a good stayer. * * « • MEDICAL NOTE. The best thing to take when run down is the number of the car. « *, # # O, THE DIFFERENCE. Some wives are fond of listening-in, and others of speaking out

THE GIRL OF THE PERIOD. Employer: And what is your best speed? New Typist: Well, I once touched 70 on a clear road/ « # ♦ « THE DIFFERENCE. “Are you a friend of the bridegroom?” “No; I’m the bride’s mother.” # . * ■ ■’■ * ' SUFFICIENT. Daughter (leaving' for holiday): Goodbye Dad. Don’t forget to write, even if it’s only a cheque. ' . ' , v « « « • HARD. Diner: Waiter, what’s this bird supposed to be? Waiter: That’s a wood-pigeon, sir. Diner: By Jove, I believe you’re right. Just run out and borrow a saw, will you? • # * * WELL-DESERVED ADMIRATION. “It is a tonic to look at a beautiful woman,” declares a writer. That’s why most girls carry a mirror about with them. .'••■' /■ # # * * GARDEN NOTE. When two keen amateur gardeners were married recently they passed under an archway of rakes and hoes. We understand that the organist rendered the Weeding March. *#. * . * SECOND INCOME NEEDED. Friend: I suppose you find your wife can live on your income all right? Newlywed: Yes, but now I’ll have to another income for myself.