FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 23 February 1935, Page 22 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

WHY SHE BOUGHT THEM. Husband: Those pyjamas you bought are three sizes too big for me, Mary, Wife: I know they are. But there were a lot of people in the shop, and I wanted them to think I’d married a splendid he-man. * # * • EARLY ANXIETIES. ' i Smith: I don’t know what to do about our boy’s future. My wife wants him to be a writer, his aunty wants him to be a sailor, and I want him to go into business. Brown: How old is he? .Smith: He will be six months old next week. # # # * HE FORGOT THAT WAY. At a country fete a conjurer was performing the old trick of producing eggs from a pocket handkerchief, when he remarked to a little boy in fun:— “Say, my boy, your mother can’t get eggs without hens, can she?” “Of course, she can,” replied the boy. “How is that?” asked the conjurer. “Why, she keeps ducks,” replied the boy. # * * • WHAT HE CAUGHT. A suburbanite espied his neighbour coming along the road with his fishing tackle on his back. “Catch anything, old boy?” he eagerly asked. “Yes, two,” said his neighbour—but in surprisingly doleful tones. “Good!” said the suburbanite. “What were they?” “The seven-thirty there and the fivefifteen back,” came the unhappy angler’s reply. * * * * HUSBAND AND BURGLAR. Hearing someone prowling about downstairs, the timid husband seized a candle and proceeded to investigate, while his even more timid wife buried her head under the bedclothes. Suddenly her husband came upon a burglar, who covered him with a revolver. “Oh, don’t take any notice of me,” protested the timid husband; “I’m only walking in my sleep.” # * ■ * *. NOT UNCOMMON. An American in England was giving some illustrations of the size of his country. “You can entrain in the State o t Texas at dawn,”, he said impressively, “and twenty-four hours later you’ll still be in Texas.” “Yes,” said one of his English listeners, “we’ve got trains like that here, too.” # # * * BUT NOT NOW. A Scotsman was asked to attend one of those popular bridge suppers given in the cause of charity. It was explained to him that the ticket cost a guinea, and that there would be an interval in the card play at midnight to have bacon and sausage. “I’m sorry,” said the Scot. “In my young days I’d have accepted like a shot, but nowadays I simply couldna eat, a guinea’s worth • o’ bacon and sausage, i.

HIS BUSY JOB. Teacher: What does your father do, Willie? .. ■ - Willie: Please, miss, he’s a worm imitator. . Teacher: A what? Willie: Well, miss he makes holes \in furniture for an antique dealer.* # * .. * » IN THE FAR WEST. Serious differences arose in a dice game: in the Far West of the United State l ?. The dispute had to do with the ownership of a five-dollar bill. For possession of it there were two claimants, a local negro and a truculent-looking stranger. ' The argument reached a critical stage. The visitor’s right hand stole slowly toward his hip pocket. “Nigger,” he inquired, softly, of his enemy, “what date is dis?” "I ain’t paying no heed to dates,” sail the other. “Well, you’d better do so,” said the stranger, “ ’cause jest twelve months to-day you’ll a’ been daid exactly one yeah.” '•# * • OF COURSE. / They were on board the excursion steamer, and as Mr. Bigman, the prominstrode the deck, he hoped that here at least he would not be recognised. But it was not to be. “You’re Mr. Bigman, aren’t you, sir?” “That is my name,” said the politician, frigidly; “but I’m not aware I have had the pleasure of seeing you before.” “What!” said the unabashed admirer, “you don’t remember me? Don’t you recollect that big meeting you had in Loamiton a year ago, and what a grand reception you got?” . “Yes, I remember that. But—” “Well,” was the triumphant rejoinder, “I was the fellow in the brown hat.” * « * * NOT HIS FAULT. ' . A well-known actor was appearing in a play in which a thunderstorm played an important part. One night in the middle of a speech he was interrupted by a terrific peal. The annoyed actor looked up into the flies and said, “That came in the wrong place.” • And the stage-hand replied, “Oh, did t? Well, it came from ’eaven.”