FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 5 January 1935, Page 18 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

Mistress: These banisters are always dusty. Next time you are at the Smiths you just notice how highly polished Their banisters are. Maid: Yes, ma’am; but they have three small boys. * * # « Passenger; There’s only one thing 1 worry about in a car—that’s the brakes. Irish Driver: Begorra, then you’ve nothing to worry about, sorr; this car ain’t got any! « « « • "Where’s Donnie?” “I locked him in the cupboard an hour ago. I asked him just now if he’d like to come but and be a good boy, but he refused.” “Heavens! I stored a case of apples there yesterday.” * # # # Teacher: What are the products of the West Indies? Reg: I don’t know, sir. “Come—where do you get your sugar from?” “We borrow it from the next-door neighbour.” * # » # Caller: How is your master this morning? Maid: Well I’m pleased to , tell you they took an X-ray of his brain and found nothing there. # * 'I * v Old Jones was annoyed when the young doctor told him that nothing was wrong with his health. “How long have you been a doctor?” he demanded.

“Five years.” “Well, I’ve been feeling unwell for oyer 30 years. I should know what I’m talking about.”

A candidate, rushing to address a meeting at an election, was accosted by a friend.

“What do you think of the political situation?” he was asked.

“Don’t bother me!” responded the politician. "I’ve got to talk. This is no time to think.”

She: Oh, yes, I quite believe there’s a fool in every family; don’t you? He: Well-er-my opinion’s rather biased. You see, Tm the only member of. our family. ♦ ♦ * *

Employee: To-day, sir, it is just twenty-five years since I entered your employment. Employer: All right; I understand. You wish to thank me for all the salary you’ve drawn during that time. * * * ♦

Scottish Golfer: You’re not the boy who usually caddies for me. Caddie: No, sir. Me and ’im tossed for it. Golfer, Ah, and you won? Caddie; No, sir. I lost. * • • •

The children had been very attentive while the teacher told them about the animals. “Now,” she said, “name some things that are very dangerous to get near to and have horns.” “I know, teacher.” “Well?" “Motor-cars, miss.” • • • # '■ »

Repairs were being carried out on the roof of the asylum by a local builder, who had asked for an inmate to assist him.

All went well until lunch time, when the builder’s assistant clutShed him round the neck and, with a terrible laugh, said: “Come on, let’s jump off!” The builder was frightened almost out of his life, but suddenly he had an inspiration. “Oh, rats!” he replied. “Anybody could do that. Come down and let’s jump up!” * * * * Brown’s wife was musical. She had other faults as well. But Brown was a good husband, and when she showed a desire to learn the violin he promised to make her a present of one. “A violin for your wife?” said the assistant at the music shop. “Certainly, sir. One with a chin rest?”

“Yes,” said Brown. Then as a brilliant idea came to him, he hurried after the assistant and caught him by the sleeve. “Make it a detachable chin rest,” he said, “so that she can still use it when she is not playing the violin.”

« * * * A nobleman whose estate had shrunk considerably decided, in order to replenish the family fortune, to go into business. But neither Nature nor experience had qualified him for a commercial career, and he made a hash of the venture.

Eventually a receiver took over his affairs. The receiver engaged an accountant, who went over the books and struck a trial balance. The nobleman scanned the document, and exclaimed: “What a remarkable coincidence! What an extraordinary coincidence! Why, the totals on both sides are identical!”

“And after you had poisoned the. coffee, and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of \ the fatal poison, didn’t you feel any qualms?” demanded counsel, of a woman charged with murder. “Didn’t you feel the slightest pity for him? Didn’t the fact that he was about to die, and was wholly unconscious of it, excite your sympathy? As he sat there didn’t you feel for him at all?”

“Yes,” said the prisoner, “there was just one moment when I felt sorry for him.” “And what moment was that?”

“When he asked for a second cup.” # ♦ # • CHARACTER READING. An enthusiastic reader of a popular novelette publication sent a specimen of her sweetheart’s writing to the caligraphy expert on the staff of the paper. In her note the reader said: “Enclosed please find a specimen of my .boy’s hand-writing. Can you tell me if he is likely to make a good husband?” Back came the reply: “No, I’m afraid not, my dear. He’s been a pretty rotten one to me for three years. However, thanks for the evidence.” * * * # NOT WELCOMED. The new clerk had been sent to try to obtain settlement of a long outstanding account. He returned very quickly. ’’Well,” said the boss, “what happened? Was there any attempt at evasion on his part this time?” The new clerk dolefully shook his head. “Yes and no," he replied. “Actually the evasion was on my part. He tried to kick me out.” * * * * WILLINGNESS. “Would you come to my aid in distress?” “My dear, it wouldn’t make any difference to me what you. were wearing.” *,* * * IT TAKES TIME. The first officer called a deck-hand to him and said, “Go below and l?reak up that poker game.” The sailor disappeared below and remained for the better part of an hour. Upon his return his superior officer demanded: “Did you succeed in breaking up that game?” j “Yes, sir,” replied the sailor. “Well, what in thunder took you so long?” “Well, sir,” the sailor replied. •! had only threepence to start with!”