FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 13 October 1934, Page 22 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

A trawler skipper is known as the Tsar of the North Sea. Tsardine might be more fitting. * * * Motorist (to zealous police officer): Speeding? Why, man, I'm going to visit my mother-in-law! sjt sfc 3 s Sunday School Teacher: Now, children, what must we do before we can expect forgiveness of our sins? Scholar: Well, I suppose we must sin. * * * * Jackson: Are they engaged? I heard him begging her for “just one” behind the palms over there. Johnson: No. They’re married. He was asking for a shilling. * ♦ # * “Now, what about some elastic?” suggested the commercial traveller, who was getting an order from an Aberdeen shop-keeper. “Na, na,” said the Aberdonian. “I’ll hae nae mair o’ it. I couldna measure wi’oot the stuff snapping.” * * * * M.P. (pompously): When I am making a speech I do not like members of my audience to be continually looking at their watches. Voice: It would be worse if we kept putting our watches to our ears to see if they were still going. « * * * “Harold, you naughty boy,” exclaimed his mother, “you came home to dinner covered with dirt, and after all my trouble tidying you up off you went and had another fight.” “No, mother,” corrected Harold, cheerfully, “it was the same fight; we only knocked off for dinner.” * * * * A vicar was showing a party of visiting Americans over his church, and as he halted by the pulpit near which were song tablets let into the paving, he said: “A good many brethren sleep here.” “It’s the same in my home town,” remarked one of the visitors. “But why don't you boys brighten up your sermons?” * * * * REALISTIC. Father: What have you been up to—stripping all the blossom off my fruit trees? Child: Well, it’s supposed to be winter in the game we’re playing, Daddy. $ * * ♦ SURE SIGN. “Have a cigar, Tom?” “No;- I’ve given up smoking.” “Well, tell me about her.” # * * * WASTING TIME. Visitors in museum (to friend): Don’t start looking at things or we will never get round. # * * * SNAPPY. An explorer has with many photographs of crocodiles. He snapped them, but luckily none of them snapped him. ,« * * * THE WINNER. “What was the result of that terrific fight the Countess had with her husband?” “She retains the title.” * * * * REPAIR THE DAMAGE. “My wife has been working on the car, Simpkins,” the householder said to the chauffeur. “Very good, sir,” he replied. “I’ll go and put everything right again.” * * * ♦ THEATRICAL, “Dad, what is an actor?” “An actor? My son, an actor is a man who can -walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings filled with theatrical props, other actors, stage hands, and old scenery, and say: ‘What a lovely view there is from this window!’ ” * * * # A STANDING NEED. Willie (to mother standing on pier): What’s that there, ma? Mother: A lighthouse, dearest. Willie: What for, ma? Mother: To keep ships from getting on the rocks. Willie: Well, why don’t you get one for father? * * * * THE DIFFERENCE. Parks: He’s a geologist. You knowone of those fellows who go around the country breakin; stones with a hammer. Evans: My brother-in-law breaks stones with a hammer, too. But he doesn’t go around the country much. * * * * NOTHING LIKE THE TRUTH. First Lady: Your husband’s an awful liar. Second Lady: Why? Has the brute been telling you you are the only woman he ever really loved? First Lady: No—he said you were. * * * * ENVIED BY ALL. Last night I held a little hand, So dainty and so neat, I thought my heart would surely burst, So wildly did it beat; No other hand e’er held so tight Could greater gladness bring Than the one I held last—which was Four Aces and a King. * * sX * THE NEW MEMBER. Committee: We wish to make you treasurer of our club. Victim: Thanks for the honour. How much is there in the treasury? Committee: At present there is a deficit—but we thought you might be willing to make it up. * * * * FORGIVE AND FORGET. A negro was arrested and brought before a commissioner for having a still on his premises. He was asked by the commissioner, “How do you plead?” The negro said, ‘‘l pleads guilty and waives the hearing.” “What do you mean, ‘Waive the hearing’?” asked the commissioner. “I means I don’t wanta heah no mo’ abou’ it!” * * * * BUST! The man who recently invented a lie detector tried it out on a fisherman the other day. He hasn’t decided whether to try to repair the machine or build a new one. * * * * LONG JOB. Mr. Newlywed: Did you make that split pea soup for dinner? Mrs. Newlywed: I’ve started, but we can’t have it until to-morrow. It’s taken me all day to split the peas. * * * * THE UNLUCKY BURGLAR. Henpeck: When I was out last night a burglar broke into our house. Pal: And did he get anything? Henpeck: Not arf! My wife thought it was me coming home!