FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 23 June 1934, Page 22 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

THE SAFE REPLY.

Master: Mary, has anybody telephoned while I've been out?”

Maid: Yes, sir, but I could not make out the name. To be on the safe side, I said you would let him have something on account to-morrow. # # * • HIS TURN. The candidate was about to commence his speech when he noticed that a man at the back of the room was more interested in the girl next to him than in the meeting. “Young fellow,” shouted the candidate sarcastically, “when you have finished Squeezing that girl I’ll begin.” And he thought the audience laughed at his wit. « * * * NOT QUITE. Resident (in small village): Is that telegram perfectly clear? Village Postmistress: No. Who's Rosie? # # * * A member of Parliament met his tailor in the street one day. “Did you get the bill I sent you, sir?” the tailor asked. “Oh, yes,” replied the M.P., in his best Parliamentary manner, “it has received its first reading. # # # * POLITE. He wasn’t the best behaved of boys, so, before he started put for a visit, his mother gave him elaborate instructions.

“Well Willie, how did you get on?” she asked on his return.

“Oh, all right, mother.” “You’re quite sure you didn’t do anything impolite?” “Well, no—at least, nothing to speak

of.” The mother's anxiety was aroused. “Ah, then, there was something wrong. Now tell me about it, Willie.” “Oh, it wasn’t much. You see, I was trying to cut my meat when it slipped off the plate on to the floor.” “Oh, my dear boy, whatever did you do?” “I think I made it all right, mother. I just said, sort of carelessly, ’That’s always the way with tough meat,’ and went on with my dinner. ” # * * • THE PIPERS.

He had made a lot of money and, on the strength of it, had taken a castle in Scotland.

On the first evening the butler approached him and said, “Would you care to have the pipers at dinner, sir?” “No, thanks,” he answered, “but you can put them in the lounge, and I’ll read them later.”

# * ♦ • RULE OF THE HOUSE.

The supercilious young man was being shown his bedroom at the small seaside hotel.

“This will do,” he said patronisingly. “And—er—l suppose everyone heah dresses for dinnah?” “Oh, yes, sir,” replied the very young maid; “meals in bed are charged extra.”

* * * SWEEPING.

Full of ’enthusiasm, she had gone in for politics, and was out of the house most of the day. The other night she returned at 9 o’clock and sank into an armchair.

“Everything’s grand,” she said. “We’re going to sweep the country.” Her husband looked round wearily, and said: “Why not start with the din-ing-room?” « * « « THOUGHTFUL.

The young physician was tired, but, as he settled back in his easy chair, and his newly-wedded wife took a seat beside him, he asked, effectionately; “And has my little wife been lonely?” “Oh, no,” she said, animatedly, “at least, not very. I’ve found something to busy myself with.” “Indeed,” he said. “What is it?” “Oh, I’m organising a class. A lot of girls and young married women are in it, and we’re teaching each other how to cook.”

“What do you do with the things you cook?” “We send them to the neighbours.” “Dear little woman,” said he—“always thoughtful of your husband’s practice.” «#• # * NOTHING TO WORIIY ABOUT.

Father: I’m inclined to suspect your fiance’s bank account is greatly exaggerated. Daughter: Oh, no. Arthur says it’s only just a tiny bit overdrawn. ' # w * ® CONFIRMATION WANTED.

“Lend me ,a pound, old man. I promise you, on the word of a gentleman, to pay it back tomorrow.” “Bring the gentleman round and let me see him.”

e ♦ # • SIGN OF TASTE.

“But you must remember, Edith,” said the young husband, “that my taste is better than yours.” “Undoubtedly,” said Edith acidly, “when we remember that you married me and I married you.”

« * # * IMPOSSIBLE.

An inspector was examining a class in geography, and, addressing a small boy, it be possible for your father to walk round the earth?” “No, sir,” replied the boy promptly. “Why not?” “Because he fell down and hurt his leg yesterday.” # # * •

“Why did you steal the watch-key from that man? It’s no good to you.” “Yes, it is. I stole his watch yesterday.” # # * *

Connie: Look—l got a fourteen-page letter this morning from Ernie Gregson. Doris: Coo! He must be in love with you. What does he sign himself? Connie: “Yours in haste.” « « « «

“Fancy, John,” said the wife of the golfer who was rarely home. “Bobby was caddying for you to-day and you didn’t know him.” “Well, what do you know about that! I thought I knew his face?” ##* ' #

“I am thinking of buying a motor-car, Blank told his friend. “Do you think second-hand ones are all right?” “They're all right as far as they go.” was the reply.

The new farm hand had been watching the tobacco crop for months. Each manning as he passed on his way to the ploughing he stopped and had a good look at it. _ “It’s coming on well, don’t yer think?” the farmer remarked to him one morning. “The plants seem to be growing all right, sir,” the new hand replied; “but when do the cigarettes start to grow on them?”

Diner: Look here waiter. I've been waiting half an hour for that steak I ordered. Waiter: Yes, sir; I know, sir. Life would be worth living if everyone was as patient as you. «*■ # •

“My word, I’d like to disinherit my boys,” said old Snooze. “They have treated me badly.”

“Why don’t you, then?” “You see. I have nothing to disinherit them from.”