THE CHESTNUT TREE

Taranaki Daily News, 23 June 1934, Page 15 (Supplement)

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Similar.— Bill: I’m not half good enough for you. Betty: Why, Bill, you talk just like one of my own family.

Hereditary.-— The school teacher wrote on the back of Johnny’s report card: John studies hard, and is an apt pupil, but he talks too much. Johnny’s father wrote back: You ought to meet his mother!

Bourgeoise.— Jones (proud of his lineage): If you can run in to-morrow evening I’ll show you my family tree.

Smith: Sorry, but I’ve promised to look at Thompson’s cabbages.

A Habit.— Young Husband: It’s awful. Every time I go to see your father he gets money out of me. Wife: I know, dear. But, you see, father has always been in the furnishing business, and he can’t get it into his head that you’re not paying for me on the instalment system.”

Pride’s Fall.— After seeing his patient the doctor had a talk with the husband.

“Have you any idea how your wife caught such a terrible cold?” he asked.

“I’ve a pretty good idea,” said the harassed husband. “I think it was her coat.’ The medical man nodded understandingly. “Too thin, I suppose?” he replied. “No, I don’t think so, doctor,” said the other. “It was last winter’s coat and she wouldn’t wear it.”

Unusual.— “ You’re not very quick at reckoning change, my lad,” said the custom • as the newsboy doubtfully counted out the change for a sixpence. “Sorry, sir, I’m rather out of practice,” said the lad. “You see, sir, most gents tell me to keep the change.”

The Wrong One. — The little guests at a party were being arranged in a group for a flashlight photograph. Seeing one little fellow who appeared rather awed, the photographer spoke to him kindly. “Cheer up, sonny,” he said. “Smile at this little girl ovei' here.” “Why should I,”, he asked indignantly. “She’s my sister.”

Pleasure?— Artist: Have you taken my picture to the exhibition?” Porter: Yes, sir; it seemed to please the gentlemen vei»y much. “What did they say?” “They didn’t say nothing; they only laughed.”

No Further Use.— -She: Remember to buy a mousetrap! ■ He: But I bought you one yesterday! She: Yes. But there is a mouse in it already.

The Advantage.— -He: I am head over heels in love with you. She: Your brother said the same thing to me yesterday! He: But my feet are much larger than his.

Easy Enough.— The Diocesan Inspector had received such an unbroken series of correct answers that he thought he would alter his method of questioning, so he asked: “Who was the mother of Pontius Pilate?” The class seemed stumped, but at last a little girl shyly held up her hand. “Yes, my dear,” said the inspector, “and what was the name of Pontius Pilate’s mother?” “Please, sir, Old Mrs Pilate!” * *■ * Reason for Gladness. — She put down the book with a sigh. “What is it, darling?” he asked. “Ah, dearest, I am so happy,” she replied. “But you had such a sad look in your eyes just now.” “I know. I’ve been reading about the unhappiness that the wives of men of genius have always had to bear. Oh, Alfred, dear, I’m so glad you’re just an ordinary sort of a fellow.”

Convenient. — The insurance agent was collecting the weekly premiums. “I shall be moving next week,” said one old lady, “and so you can tell the van to call.” “What van?” “The removal van, of course.” “How much do you want to pay?”

“Why nothing! Your company does that. In my book it says, ‘Members removing from one district to another will be transferred free of charge.’ ”