FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 31 March 1934, Page 22 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

Officer (addressing raw recruit): Now, my man, I want you to regard the regiment as a big band of brothers, and me as the father of the regiment. Understand? Recruit: Yes, Dad. e ■» ' • ®

■ Visitor: Why don’t you raise your hat to me ? Johnny: I can’t. It’s not my hat—its father’s.

«.. • * • Herbert: What is the horse-power of your car? Ethel: I don’t know, but dad says it’s a nightmare. ■ « « • ®

Elsie (proudly): I suppose you know, dear, that my father is. a member of Parliament ? Jack: Never mind, darling. I love you too much to let that stand in the way.

“Mother,” said the small. boy, “I do wish you would speak to baby. He's sitting on the fly-paper, and there are such a lot of flies waiting to get on.”

. A clergyman who at times has a rather defective memory was making the announcements for the coming week. He wanted to intimate that he would not be the preacher on the following Sunday, and that the pulpit would be occupied by hi? son-in-law, but at the last moment his memory went astray. “In addition to the notices just read,” he said, “I desire to say I shall not be preaching here next Sabbath. The pulpit will be occupied by—by—the pulpit will be occupied by—by—” He faltered for a few seconds, then tried again. “The preacher will be—” breaking off jn exasperation. “Why, I know him quite well. You all know him. He married my daughter.” Then a smile broke over his face.

“Oh, I remember,” he said, then went on gravely, “Tom will preach here next Bunday.” • « # « •

It was a 1 great shock to Percy SoftJeigh when he caught his best friend in the act of kissing hi? (Percy’s) sweetheart.

“Well, Harry,” he said, “I never expected this of you,'.after all the years we’ve been chums, and the many times I’ve been a friend to you; I’m more than surprised.” Then his voice got louder, and he began to show signs of anger. “Arid stop kissing her while I’m talking to you !” he bellowed.

Actor (modestly): As a matter of fact, I have received letters from ladies in almost every place in which I have appeared. Rival: Landladies, I presumq.

Resourceful Motorist (to policeman who has stopped him): Forty miles an hour ? Do be reasonable, my good fellow! Why, I’m just going ,to the collector’s office to pay my income tax.

I “I say, Brown, have you got that umbrella I lent you?” “No, I lent .it to a friend. Are you wanting it?” “Not exactly, but the chap who lent it to .me says the owner wants it.”

A man burst into the office of a railway official and demanded that the driver of the 12.15 express should be forbidden to blow the whistle on Sunday mornings. ‘ “Why, that’s impossible! What leads you to make such an unreasonable request?” . ■ ' “Well, .our vicar preaches until he hears the train . whistle —and that confounded express was forty minutes late last Sunday.”

The little church .was full, but the marriage ceremony seemed in . danger of being stopped/ for the bridegroom was deaf and could not hear the important question: “Wilt thou have this woman for thy lawful wedded wife ?” “Eh,” said , the deaf man. . The clergyman raised his voice: Wilt thou have this woman for, thy law’ful wedded wife ?

This seemed to annoy the bridegroom. “Oh, I don’t know,” he said. “She isn’t so awful. I’ve seen worse than her that didn’t have half as much money.”

The red-faced man pushed his way to the counter of a post office and demanded a penny stamp. The clerk on duty was doing his best to explain some- ' thing to an old lady, but this the big man did not appreciate. He grew more impatient.

“I say, boy,” he shouted. “I’ve a train to catch. Give me a stamp.” The “boy” looked at him for a moment, then turned again to the old lady. “I’m sorry, madam,” he resumed, “but you see —” The red-faced man interrupted him. “Do you hear me?” he yelled. “I’ve a train to catch.” The assistant turned and said, quietly, “Did you say you had a train to catch ?” . “I did.” “Then it’s a railway station you want. This is a post office.” * * e • “What! You’re going to marry Mr. Soandso ? But don’t you know he has done five years in prison ?” “The scoundrel! He told me three.” « « # • “Sell your house yet?” “We’ve decided not to after reading the agent’s description. It seemed to be just the place we were looking for 1 1” a a a a Bert had got a start at the boiler works after a long spell of idleness. “Your tools look a bit rusty, don’t they ?” observed the foreman, as he saw the newcomer starting. “Yes, but they’re nothing to our fry-ing-pan !” retorted Bert. ».# » e “May I see the young man who was injured in a motor-car accident yesterday ?” “Are you the girl who was with him?” asked the nurse. “Yes; I thought I ought te come and give him the kiss he was trying for.” ««# ■ # Circus Manager; What’s the matter ? Are you leaving ? India-Rubber Man: Yes, I’m fed up with this show. Every time the strong man writes a letter he uses-me to rub out his mistakes. « 4» ft . • Doctor’s Wife: Dear, I don’t feel well. There must be something wrong with me. Doctor: Come round to my consultingroom this evening. « ■ ® • Dialogue overheard on the edge of a swimming pool. Small boy to his mother: Mummy, may I go in for a swim ?” “Certainly not, my dear, it’s far too cold.” “But daddy is swimming.” “Yes, dear, but he’s insured.” 44 . ■ 44 4k . • “Charles,” said a sharp-voiced woman to her husband’ in the smoking compartment. “do you know that you and I once had a romance in a train?” “Never heard of it,” replied Charles. “Don’t you remember it was a pair of slippers I gave you one Christmas that led to our marriage. You remember how nicely they fitted, don’t you? Well, Charles, one day, when we were going to a picnic you had your feet on a seat, and when you weren’t looking I took your measure. But for that pair of slippers I don’t believe we’d ever have been married,” . • A young man sitting, opposite with a girl, immediately removed his feet from the-seat.