FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 10 February 1934, Page 22 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

Two old settlers, confirmed bachelors. sat in the backwoods. The conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got one o' them ther j cookery books once, but I never could do nothing with it,” said one. . “Too much fancy work in it ? asked the other. . “You’ve hit it Every one of them recipes began in the same waj: Take a clean dish—’ and that settled me.” a * * LUCKY ESCAPE. “My boy,” said the millionaire, lecturing his son on the. importance of economy, “when I was your age I, carried water for a gang of bricklayers.” “I’m proud of you, father,” answered the son. “If it hadn’t been for your pluck and perseverance I might have had to do something like that myself. “Daddy,” said’the little girl, “teacher told us to-day that the olive branch is the emblem of peace. What is the emblem of war ?” “Orange blossom,” grunted her parent. # . * * 3 The traveller had held the floor for two hours, boasting about his exploits. “There,” he said, I nearing the edge of the cliff, moving at a terrific rate. The brakes refused to act. Nothing before me but death. What could I do ? What would you have done I “Tried to wake up,’’-said the little man in the comer. ■ . ■ • “Let’s see,” said the theatrical agent to the somewhat passee actress, “you’re what—24 ?” „ , I 4 ‘Er- —well, roundabout, the actress replied* ■ “Ah—42 I That's more like it.” • # » * He: You haven’t said a word for 20 minutes. She: No. I . had nothing to say. He: Don’t you ever say anything when you have nothing to say ? She: No. ? He: Then will. you marry me ? #*' * ' # A touring actor. entered a tailor s shop and gave an order for . suit. He took home a small pattern of tha material and: showed it to his son. “What do youtthink of it, Tommy? he asked. ■ ' ' - “Not bad,” Tommy replied. “Why, you’re looking at the wrong side,” added the actor. . “I know I am,” the boy replied, but that’s the side I shall have to wear when the suit comes down to me.” » * * * A fairy tale: A, bus conductor ran upstairs and hastily collected the passengers’ fares. By accident he missed one, a Scot, who immediately ran down after him and proffered the fare, at the same time threatening to report . him to the company if it happened again. «. . * •

v A plumber, on joining the Army, went in for a trade test and was -asked to make a joint in a lead pipe. When finished, the officer put on his papers: “Joint very nicely done.” Three weeks later the man found himself head cook in the officers’ mess! 4 4 * • “Wull ye hae a drink?” asked the Scot. . “Thanks,” replied his English acquaintance. “I think I will.” Tire Scot turned a disgusted eye on him. “Aye” he said, “I thocht ye looked that sort.” .** * « ■THE INNER MAN. Babs: Men are queer. Tell them six months after the honeymoon that your love is growing cold, and they’ll not even glance up from the newspaper. Mabs: Yes, but tell them the soup is getting cold and they’ll jump > a mile. 444 ’ • “If you get up earlier in the morning than your neighbour,”, said the town philosopher, ' “and work harder and scheme more and stick- to your job more closely and stay up later planning how to make more money than your neighbour and bum the midnight oil .planning how to get ahead of him while he is snoozing, not only will' you' leave more money when you die than' he will,, you’ll leave it a dam sight sooner. « 4- 4 * A visitor to a lunatic asylum was approached by an inmate who begged that his case might be laid before a Magistrate and his release obtained. The visitor promised to take the necessary steps' immediately. - *■ “You won't forget?” said the lunatic. “Oh, no.” ;- “You’re sure you .won’t forget? “Certainly not.” As the visitor turned to go he received a kick that landed him some feet away. “•That,” said the lunatic, “is in case you do forget.” .44 4 * Biggs, the manager of the restaurant, talking in undertones to his head chef. Afterwards he called all his waitresses into his private office. “Girls,” he said, “I want you all to look your best to-day. Add an extra dab of powder to your cheeks and, take a little more care with your hair.” “Why, what’s the matter?” asked the head waitress. “Butter bad again?” , “No,” said the manager, “the beef’s tough.” ■ • - * * * “Jack has been taken to hospital.” “But I saw him out with Eileen yesterday !” “So did his wife.” . 4 4 * 4 A visitor to Madame Tussaud’s waxworks jn London turned to an attendant just inside the door. “Could you direct me to the Chamber of Horrors ?” There was a stony silence. He turned to a bystander. “I was had that time,” he said. Again a stony silence. He was determined not to be had again and turned to a second bystander. “Well, you wooden-headed son of a gun—” A swift and alarming change of expression convinced him he had niade a third mistake. #.# 4 * WHERE HE WOULD BE. A man who had taken pity on a lad and given him work as junior clerk kept him at the office rather later than usual one Saturday. The lad became sulky and performed his duties in a very dilatory manner. At last the employer said to him, “You ungrateful rascal, where would you be now but for me ?” “At the football match,” was the answer. 4 * * * VERY FAIR. , At country horse fairs one can usually find the biggest collection of rubbish in the way of horse-flesh imaginable. Nags of all shapes and sizes are displayed for sale, but to find a really good animal —well, that is almost an impossibility. At one of these fairs recently a buyer purchased from a dealer three horses for the ridiculous sum of five pounds. At the close of the deal the buyer, turning'to the dealer, said: “What about a' drink out of it ?” The dealer, looking somewhat sur1 prised, retorted sharply: “What! You get three horses for five pounds, and you have the cheek to suggest a drink out of it? No, it can’t be 1 done. But I’ll tell, you what I .will do— I’ll throw in another horse!”

Stem Mother-in-law: I wonder why John is so late home to-night? Daughter: I can’t think, dear. And I ’phoned him up and told him you were here, too. ~ # # * *. HIS TURN.

Two golfers were playing a match for 3 After""the first hole the Englishman turned to his Scots opponent. "How many did you take ?” he asked. “Eight,” replied the Scotsman. . “I took seven, so that’s my hole, said the Englishman. After the second hole the Englishman asked the same question. This time the Scotsman shook nis head. . ■ ’ , “Na, na, laddie,”, he replied; “its. my turn to ask first now.” . THE EXCEPTION.

“Ah,” said the. doctor, examining, his patient, “I. can tell by your throat you play a wind instrument.” Patient (meekly): Yes, sir. “We can soon discover these things, added the medical man proudly. “By the way, what kind of . instrument do you play ?” Patient: A concertina. # * » •. PRIVATE. Gamekeeper: Didn’t you see that notice at the entrance to these woods ? Small Boy: Yes, but it was headed “Private,” and I was too polite to read on. ' ' ' # » * « Teacher: James, why do we call English our mother tongue ? James; Because father doesn’t get much time to use it. ' CORRECT. He- If I posted a letter to the silliest man in Great Britain I wonder who they would deliver it to? She (innocently): They would probably return it to the sender. «*• * • FORGETFULNESS. They are speeding in a taxi towards the theatre. “I wish you hadn’t made me dress up. I—er—” he began. ' “Nonsense, dear,” she replied, you look nice in your dress clothes.” “I wish I hadn’t, all the same. “I never saw such a man.” “All the same, I think we ought to turn back.” . “Are you crazy ?We re ten minutes late already.” , - “All the same—” “What’s the idea ?’’ “Well, I’ve just Remembered the tickets are in my brown suit.” # # * • VERY ANNOYING. ' “You can’t talk like that to me, officer,” said the young lady. “The brakes on this car don’t work, and I can’t stop just anywhere you please. Besides, I haven’t even a licence to, drive! So leave me alone, will you?” # « #> * ■ THE WHOLE STAFF. The manager of a touring theatrical company wired to the proprietor of the theatre in a small town .where his company was due to appear: “Would like to hold rehearsal next Monday afternoon at 3. Have your stage manager, carpenter, property man, electrician and all stage hands present at that hour. Four hours later he received the following reply: “All right. He’ll be there. ’ . # # * * An Aberdonian returned home after a week’s holiday in London. His friends in the local hostelry asked him how he had enjoyed himself and what he thought of the Londoners. “Och,” he said, “they’re decent enough chaps, but they’ve little imagination. One afternoon I went into one of those non-stop revues at half-past one, and at half-past eleven I’d seen the same show five times over.” ■** * ♦ During the holiday months, Post Office Savings Bank officials have a very busy time, and are given, some strange tangles to unravel. Here is an interesting effort. “Re my letter of the 13th and your reply of the 14th, which crossed my ; letter of the 14th, I am now writing to inform you that mine of the 14th was written cancelling that of the 13th which I now wish to confirm.” « # * * A case involving the ownership of a cow was tried in e county Court. Neither plaintiff nor defendant was legally represented. They spoke for themselves ; with bluntness and at great length. At last the police Magistrate said to • them: “I’m going now to have my lunch, and before I come back I hope you’ll settle the matter out of Court” I When the Magistrate returned they were waiting for him. Each had an eye closed, and both were pretty badly bati tered. “Well, sir,” said the defendant, “we i took your advice. Bill won, and I’ve given him back his cow.”