FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 27 January 1934, Page 20 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

His wife .began to laugh at , him. “You. silly,” she said, “fancy being superstitious after all these years ! Why, do you remember the first time we met ? We walked under a ladder, and you said you were sure something horrible would happen to you.” “Well?” raid he. ' .* # ■ ft ft NOT WHAT SHE THOUGHT. Betty: I hear you’ve broken off your engagement with Jimmy ? Ida: Yes, I have. He told me that he was a salesman in the lace trade, and I discovered him selling bootlaces next door. »«• ■ • QUICK ACTION. Willie was spending his first night in the country. The family cat was dozing n *r the kitchen stove. Suddenly Willie grabbed its tail and pulled furiously. “My boy,” remonstrated the hostess, “why are you so cruel to the cat ?” “I’m not cruel,” said Willie. “I pulled her away from the stove because she was starting to boil.” ft # « • NO HURRY. A man met his doctor in the street and stopped him to say: “Oh, I say doctor, such a peculiar thing has happened to my wife. I think she must have got lockjaw, for she can’t open her mouth at alh” Then, after a short pause, he added: “Could you . look round in about a week’s time, and see if you can do anything for her?” . # * ft ft NOT WHAT HE MEANT. A man in the pit stalls was greatly annoyed by continual conversation in the row behind. , “Excuse me,” he said, “but we can’t hear a word that’s being said.” “Oh,” replied the talkative one, indignantly. “And is it any business of yours what I’m telling my wife?” #*# ’ ♦ NO LONGER FRIENDS. Fred and Tom were old pals, but hadn’t met for two years. After the usual interchange of greetings, Tom exclaimed, “I hear you are friendly with Polly Andrews.” “What , nonsense,” declared Fred. “We’re married!” « « « • THE WISE MAN. Wife: Are all men as stupid as you are ? Husband: No, my dear. Some of them are still bachelors. ’ , ft * • ( / TOO LATE. Hubby: I’ve made up my mind to stay at home this evening. Wifey: Then you must stay alone. I’ve made up my face to go out.. * • #. * A well-known politician was chatting with a friend in a London hotel when a stranger approached him and said: “Can I' see you for a moment, Mr. Dash ?” , “Certainly,” replied Mr. Dash, rising. The young'man led him across a long room and seemed to have something very important to impart to him. Arrived in a comer, the stranger whispered in Mr. Dash’s ear, “I’m on the staff of an (evening paper, and I should like you to tell me what you think about the situation in Germany.”, Mr. Dash; looked puzzled at first; then he said: “Follow me.” Leading the way, he walked through the reading-room, down some steps into the drawing-room, then through a long passage into the dining-room.. At last, drawing his visitor into a comer, he whispered: “Sorry, but I really don’t know anything about it.” * *.. ■ * * QUITE CLEAR ? Motorist: Is it far to the next town ? Native: Well, it seems further than!it is, but you’ll find it isn’t. • # . # ft LITTLE DIFFERENCE. “I don’t know what to ' do—learn to drive a car or learn to play golf.” “Well, there’s not much difference, only when you are learning to play golf you don’t hit anything.” # # ♦ * REASON TO BE PLEASED. “Did father seem pleased,” asked the newly-engaged girl of her young man, “when you told him of the £2OO you had saved ?” “I think so. He. borrowed it.” « * # * EVIDENCE I The man stood in the dock charged with having uttered spurious coin. “When the defendant’s premises were searched,” said the Judge, “was anything suspicious discovered ?” , “Yes,” said the constable. “We found a book which was entitled ‘An easy way to make money at home.’” . j ft ft ft ■ A newly-married couple were enter-., taining, and amongst the guests was one whose conduct was rather flippant. At supper he held up on his fork a piece of ipeat which had been served him, and in a vein of. intended humour remarked: “Is this pig?” “To which end of the fork do you refer ?” asked a quiet-looking man sitting at the other end of the table. « » * • Schoolmaster: What is the plural of Penny ? Class (in chorus): Tuppence. » « ft « HE KNEW. “My daddy’s a bookkeeper,” said Bertie proudly. . > “I know it,” replied his little playmate. “He has several of my daddy’s.” ♦ ' * ft , # UNANSWERABLE. Here is a true story from. Scotland. The relatives of the late lamented were suggesting to the village undertaker that the price charged for the coffin was excessive. The. old man pondered the complaint slowly. “Weel,” he said, “there’s nae a job like this ever comes back for repairs.” ft #. ft ft THEY LET HIM GO. “Yes,” said the famous strong, silent hero of the films, “when our entire company was captured by cannibals on that remote island I was the only one to escape.” “How did it happen ?” he was asked. “Waal, folks,” he drawled, “ye see, their chief had kind o’ heard o’ me as a tough guy, and his teeth weren’t too good that morning.” i # # * ft SHE WASN’T AFRAID. Jack and Jill, strolling along the street the other day, parted company. Only for a moment, though. Jack passed round the foot of a ladder standing in their way, while Jill walked boldly underneath. ' “Don’t you feel nervous, walking under a ladder like that?”. queried Jack.. “Certainly not,” replied. “I’ve no time for such superstitious nonsense. Besides, I had my' fingers crossed 1” # # . ft ft The city: investor was entering the Stock Exchange one morning when he felt a tug on his arm and turned to see an old fellow who looked like a farmer. “Hey, mister,” he said, “this is the Stock Exchange, isn’t it?” “Yes,” replied the city man. “Well, it’s a funny thing,” said the other, “I bin ’ere for two hours and ’aven’t seen a cow or anything yet. Is there a back entrance where they bring them in ?”

The engaged pair were talking over the future. “Darling,” she said, “when you marry me you’ll have' a woman in the house who really knows ’ how to cook,” ’ « ' • He looked surprised. “But, dearest,” he said happily, “I didn’t know that you were a good cook.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I’m not,” came her reply; “but when we’re married my mother is coming to live with us.” The sergeant was talking to a squad of recruits; “For the last time,” he shouted, “I ask you this simple question: What is a fortification?” /The recruits stood fast. No one answered. Striding up to the most intelligent man, the n.c.o. bawled: “Tell me, what is a fortification ?” The man hesitated, then replied meekly: “Two twentifications, sir.” « ’ .■ ■ ♦ " ■ ’ ' ' * ■ ' ■ Scribbler, a struggling writer, had. his bank book out once, when a friend noticed an inscription on the front and asked what it was. Scribbler held it before him and displayed the words: “Dedicated to my wife.” i•»# ' » « Agent': Is the boss of the house in ? Proud Father: Yes; he’s asleep upstairs in his cradle. ■ft • ft ■ .ft » Smith: I shall be everlastingly indebted to you, old man, if you’ll lend me a sovereign. Tomkins: Yes, I know you will—that’s the trouble. ft ft # ft The guests had all fed well at the Scotsman’s Christmas dinner. When everyone had finished his share of • the Christmas pudding the host rose and made the following speech:— “Friends, would the gentleman who found saxpence in the pudding kindly return threepence change, as the cook dropped the saxpence in by accident ?” ft ft # ft Teacher: An anonymous person is one who does not wish to be known—who’s that laughing in the class? Small Voice: An anonymous person, sir. » • « ft A shopkeeper was persuaded to insure his premises against fire. After the formalities had been completed the shopman said, “Now, let me understand this properly. If my shop catches lire tonight how much will I get?” “Well,” said the agent, with a grim smile, “taking recent events iqto consideration. I should say about ten years.” # .ft # 1 # He: Why did'they hang that picture? She: Perhaps they couldn’t find . the artist. # ft # ft A BOOMERANG. “She broke him of smoking so that he could save money.” “And did he save money ?”’- “Yes. He got so interested in saving money that he broke off their engagement so that he could save still more.” ft ft ft ft A USEFUL HABIT. . They had just become engaged. “Sweetheart,” she said, coyly, snuggling closer, “when we are married you won’t ’ expect me to give up all my spinster ways, will you ?” “Why,-no, darling,” he replied, fondly.. “Indeed, it will be a good idea to continue some of them—getting your pocket money from your father, f’r instance.” ft * # ft THE RIGHT MAN. i Mr. Meek: I admire a man very much who says the right thing at the right time. Mr. Mild: Yes, so do I, especially when I am thirsty.

' STRAIGHT. '' • ’ Staylaight:. May' I - come and "see 'you 'again ? ; . . Miss Wobbins: Well, I can’t, see how you. .can very well • unless. you go this 'time. • — « ■■■.«■ GOOD ADVICE. She (learning to drive car): Help, George! Help! The brakes won’t act! He: All right. Keep cool, and try to. hit something soft # . « . * •. She: A pretty time of night for you to come.home!’ ' • He: A pretty time of night for you to be awake ! <.'. '.■ . . She: I stayed awake for the last four hours waiting for you to come home.. He: And I have been keeping myself awake for the last four hours at the club waiting for you to go to. sleep. . ' # » * * Little Willie was sent to the hospital doctor with a note which ran:— “Please, will you do ■ something to Willie’s face ? He’s had it a long time and it’s spreading.” , . ’ • .* # * • ■ TOO LONG. A man who''had been celebrating unwisely but well came upon a workman digging a hole. “Whatsh you doing ?’’ he asked. “Digging a tunnel,” said the workman affably. • “Where’s •it going ?” asked the ’jolly one. “Under the river,” replied the workman. “And how long will it take ?” went on the other. • “About three or four years,” the workman -told him. ■ ' ■ 1 “Well,” said the persistent" one, “I can’t wait all that time. I think I’ll' take a taxi.” * ft ft • . NO SAILOR. “A life on the ocean, wave, it’s grand,” said Brown, who had just finished describing the beautiful sea and skies on his return from a Mediterranean cruise. “What do you thing of it, Green ?” “No more cruises for me,” replied Green. “As far as I am concerned, they are all ‘bunk’!” # ft - ft • ■ •• • A • 5 HUSH! _ ( Doctor: You confess that you are’badtempered. I suppose I need not tell-you that science has discovered that your bad temper is caused by an ugly, old,-little microbe? • . ■ / ■ Married Male: Hush, doctor! My missus wouldn’t need to hear you-talking like that about her !•' • : . * ’-‘ft. « • .. Husband: Darling, what has happened ?- Why have you that -plaster over your left eye ? . ' . • ■: Wife: Plaster!’ That's my new.hat.- • ft' ■' ft . '■ “You must find ' that ■ impediment in your speech inconvenient' at - times/ Mr. Brown?” > .- ■ , - “Oh, n-no; everybody, has- little,.p-pe-culiarities. Stammering • is/, What is y-yours?” . \ .;. ••}.' “Well, really, Mr. Brown, I am ; not aware that-i have any.” - : “D-do you stir y-your tea-with j your righthand?” “Why, 'yes,” ; “W-well, that is, your peculiarity;, most p-people u-use a t-teaspoon.” !