FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 15 July 1933, Page 20 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

A HARD CASE. The two lovers were sitting on the beach in the light of the full moon. It was a night for love, and she was anxious to patch up their little quarrel. “Darling,” she sighed romantically, “darling, don’t harden your heart against me.” . He stared. , , “Fh, whgt?” he replied woodenly. “That’s not my heart. It’s my cigarette case.”

• Cop: Hey, there, don’t jam up traffic. Why don’t you use your noodle? Lady: I didn’t know the car had one, * ' « ■ # *

Policeman: Mips, you were doing sixty miles an hour! S-- ■ She: Oh, isn’t that' splendid! I only learnt to drive yesterday. *’» * * '

Finnick: This is the age of the clever giH. e .1 Cynic: But who knows the age of tne clever girl? ♦ # * •

“How is Morton getting on with his young wife ?” : . “Well, a month after the wedding a belated’ telegram of congratulation arrived, and they refused to take it in. #*# . *

“My fiapcee gave me a guinea pig for my birthday.” “Just like hjm!” . „ •" “What! Have you seen it? # * * *

Mother (to ,Olive at the party): Hush, dear. ' Little girls should be seen, not Olive: But teacher always tells us to speak. up.. * -#■ * ' • PREPARED.

“Johnny, auntie will never kiss you with a djrty face!” “That’s wfiqt I thought. . * * ' , * * IN AGREEMENT.

“It’s four years since I was in this town,” remarked the stranger to the waiter in a hotel, as he was walking out after finishing his dinner. “It looks just the same.” „ “I don’t find- much change, either, said the waiter, as he picked up the penny that was left on the table. MORAL: DON’T INTERRUPT.

“H-how m-much is th-that old c-car ? inquired the man who entered the garage. . \ , The garage owner surveyed it thoughtfufly. a ~ . .. /‘Make me an offer/ he said. The man who stuttered inspected the wreck. “I’ll g-give you t-tw _ The garage owner grew impatient. “I’ll take it. Twelve quid.” “G-good!” said the other. “I was t-t--trying to say t-t-twenty.” *,* * *

A Yorkshireman came to London to buy a horse that would win the Grand National. A livery stables he visited showed him one that was guaranteed to jump anything. . . , “But will it tvin t’ National? asked the Yorkshireman. “It’ll win anything,” was the unblushing reply* “AU -reet. Aw’ll tak it,” said the Yorkshireman. “But how’ll Aw teJ when it’s goin’ to joomp ?” “Oh,” said the stablemaster, ‘thats easy. When it’s > going to refuse to jump, it puts its ears back. When it’s going to jump it pricks them up.” The Yorkshireman .mounted' and rode off down the/street They came to a viaduct ' over which a train was passing. The startled animal stopped and pricked ' up its ears. ' “Who, there!” said the astonished Yorkshireman. “Notion tha life. Tha goes under that: one I” *■ 1 . * * ■: * A constable found a Scotsman and a Jew dnmk in the street and took them into custody. ' ■ , fo. . .l The men were brought before tne magistrate the following morning, and the constable; in evidence, said the men were ma'd-drunk. , , . “What do you mean by mad-drunK . asked the magistrate. . “Well, the Scotsman was throwing away half-crowns, and the Jew was picking them- ; up and giving them back to him.” • ■ ■ • • • • He: . I say doesn’t this dance make you long.for another? , ' She (sadly): Yes—but unfortunately he couldn’t come to-night. ’ ■ # • # * NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. Pupil: Do you think it would be very difficult for me to learn roller-skating . Instructor: Not at all. You’d soon tumble to it. « # . . * . * ' AGREED. Hotch: I often think that Judges’ hours are too long. Botch: Yes. They are certainly very trying times. * - •*...■■* ■ * VERY MUCH SO. . Jones: Your son seems to be quite a promising, young man. . Smith: Yes, he’s been sued twice for breach of promise. '■ # * * ; * ALONE SHE KNEW. Mrs. Crabbe (after a lengthy, bitter oration): And what’s more,' let me tell you, I know what I am talking about. Mr. Crqbbe (eminent scholar): Thats where you have the advantage over me, my dear. ' * # * • • - * the only way. “H*m,” the publisher murmured. “Your handwriting’s so indistinct I can hardly read these poems of yours. Why didn’t you type them before bringing them to me?” “Type ’em ?” the would-be poet gaspea. “D’you think I’d waste my time writing poetry if -I could type ?” ' * * * IN A BOARD SCHOOL. It was a sultry afternoon, and the teacher of a geography class was endeavouring to get a few good answers before closing the lesson. “Now, boys, the word ‘stein’ at the end of a word means ‘place of.’ Thus we have Afghanistan, the place of the Afghans; also Hindoostan, the place of the Hindoos. Now, can anyone give me another example?” „ . “Yes, sir,” said the smallest boy, proudly. “I can. Umbrellastan’, the place for umbrellas.” # * * *. Mrs. Newlywed was entertaining. “When did you learn to cook?” asked her visitor. „ “When my husband was away. “And what did he say when he came back?” Tfee young wife blushed. “‘He went away again,” she replied. * . * * * The case had been dragging on for days, and the discouraged counsel had received rebuff after rebuff at the „anas of the judge. . At last, losing pa tierice, he rapped out, “My client is hardly likely to obtain justice until the Judgment Day ! “If I have an opportunity,” said the judge, crushingly, “I will plead for the ooor woman myself on that day. ' “I am afraid that will not be possible, m’lord,” retorted the other. “You will have troubles enough of your own on that day'l”_ Vir 1

“I painted something for last year’s academy.” “Was it hung ?” Yes, near the entrance where , everybody could see it.” “Congratulations ! What was it ?” “A board saying ‘Keep to the Left’” “You don’t seem to have a thought for anything but motoring. Why don’t you put your wife before your car sometimef ?” “I’m scared of being found out. # # * * Persistent Tramp at last): Thanks, lady. Is there anything I can do by way of return ? Housewife (shortly); Yes—don’t

“You-know Bill Thompson. Well, his wife Sarah jumped’ off.. • the - bridgemt® the canal and ”' ’ - "?". “Poor Sarah!” . ‘ ■ ’ “And a fellow posing by jumped IB and saved her life.” “Poor BilL” # ' # ‘•_ Smith: Fred just refused to'lend-ms two pounds to help. me. out. of .'a "hoi®, I didn’t think there were such mean men in the world., ■ , Jones: Oh, there aye, my dearj fellow*, I assure you. I’m another./. Cockney: Penny for your thought Mae. Scotsman.: A’ richt—buy me/'a ’ pape? ’an' see what’s won/the tWo-thirty>' .>