FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 27 May 1933, Page 10 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

SUSPICIOUS. The widow bent industriously over her wash-tub. She was listening to the conversation of a male friend, who presently turned the conversation to matrimony, winding up with a proposal of marriage. “Are ye sure ye love me ?” sighed the widow, as she paused in her work The man vowed he did. Then there was silence, when the lady raised her head from bending over the tub, to say: “Bill, you ain’t lost yer job, ’ave yer?” * * # * HE HAD NOT FORGOTTEN. The Husband (looking for sympathy): Since I married I’ve been through a good bit, I can tell you. The Old Flame: Yes; your wife’s entire fortune, they tell me. # # * * “PLAIN” SPEAKING. The lady in the private bar, whose looks it would be kindness to describe as homely, raised her glass and nodded to her companion. “Here’s wishing you better looking,” she said, cheerfully. Squinting over the top of her glass, the other regarded her friend’s weatherbeaten features. “I’m no blooming optimist,” she replied, “so I’ll just say ‘Good health.’” « « # * A COMMON COMPLAINT. “Rheumatism,” said the doctor, “causes one to imagine that his joints are very much larger than they actually are.” “I know!” exclaimed Mrs. Housebody, “our butcher has it 1” * * * • QUITE SAFE. Friend (gazing aloft): Aren’t you worried when you see your husband looping the loop ? Aviator’s Wife: Oh, no. You see, I remove all his loose change from his pockets before he goes up. * * # ♦ Two young ladies entered the tram and found only standing room. One of them whispered to her companion: “I’m going to get a seat from one of these men.” She looked down the row of men and selected a sedate gentleman. She sailed up to him and boldly opened fire: “My dear Mr. Green, how delighted I am to meet you. You are almost a stranger. Will I accept your seat? Well, I do feel tired. I admit. Thank you so much.” The sedate gentleman—a perfect stranger, of course—looked, listened, then quietly rose and gave his seat, saying:— “Sit down, Jane, my girl. Don’t often see you out on a washing day. You must feel tired, I am sure. How's your mistress ?” The young lady got her seat but lost her vivacity. ' ##' # * Warder (unlocking door of cell): Come on, Bill; you’re wanted. Convict (an expert safe-breaker): What for ? Warder: The governor’s safe’s stuck again. * # # * “Where’s that wretched chauffeur? Out walking with the maid again, I suppose?” “No, ma’am; they took the car.” « « # • HIS REWARD. On John’s twenty-first birthday a party was given in his honour, and his mother told all the guests in turn of the wonderful achievements of her son. “Look at the prizes he has won!” she would say, and each guest would have to follow her to another room where John’s prizes were displayed. Chief of all was a silver cup that stood in the centre. “What was this for ?” asked one guest. “That? Oh, that was for running,” answered the proud mother. “And who presented it to him ?” “Well—we did. You see, John would certainly have won, but he didn’t hear the starting pistol go off!” #*# . * ' WRONG TO WRITE. Patient (not quite popular author): I’ve got out of bed, as you told me, doctor, and now I’ve got the itch to write. Doctor: You’d better not, though. You’re not up to scratch. «** - 9 TRAITS. “I have just been reading about a fellow who, on meeting a friend in the street in Marseilles, struck him with an axe,” said Parker. “Oh,” replied his wife, “of course the French are very showy, but the good old English fashion of shaking hands appeals more to me!” # # # * A FREE DAY. There was a sound of smashing from the neighbourhood of the kitchen. The mistress went and surveyed the damage. “Really, Jane!” she said. “Yesterday two cups, now to-day three saucers, and two more cups. What will to-morrow bring, I wonder ?” “Nothing, ma’am,” was the reply; “it’s my day off.” *#' * * Jim: If I do a thing one day I forget it the next. Jem: Good! Lend me a shilling. «|* * * Claude: I’ve waited an hour for you. Celia: Oh, but I said I’d be five minutes late. a*. * * Diner: Waiter, the portions seem to have got a lot smaller lately. Waiter: . Just an optical illusion, sir. Now that the restaurant has . been enlarged, they look smaller—that’s all. Elsie: My mama got a nice present yesterday, an’ she frew her arrps around papa’s neck. What does your mama do when she gets a nice present ? Eddie: She tells daddy she’ll forgive him, but he mustn’t stay out late again. • * • • “Is your wife a very thoughtful woman ?” “Thoughtful! I should say so. Why, if I should happen to be working back at the office she is thinking all sorts of things.” #’ « » • Golfer; Where’s the caddy I went round with yesterday? boy ? Other caddy: Gone fishin’ wiv the worms you dug up, sir. * * # * The parents of a solemn little boy were perturbed at his morbid outlook on life. They were sending him off by train to relatives, and told him' to write his name and address on a card, and put it in his pocket The boy did so, beginning: “In case of accident, this was Johnny Smith.” # # # * “How could Pinchpenny be a successful business man when he has to sleep in the stable ?” “He’s got the whole house rented out to tourists." « ♦ # * Mistress: Did you break that vase, Mary ? Mary: Yes, mum; I did it when I was accidentally dusting it * # * * ON THE RIGHT LINES. At a lecture the speaker orated fervently: “He drove straight to his goal. He looked neither to the right nor to the left, but pressed forward, moved by a definite purpose. Neither friend nor foe could delay him nor turn him from his course. All who crossed his path did so at their own peril. What would you call such a man ?” “A tram driver,” said a man in the audience.

RUN! The' incoming batsman was very impatient, and persisted in calling his partner for impossible runs. He was repeatly sent back to his crease by the levelheaded player. When the new man did get the bowling he was out first ball for a “duck.” Slowly and sadly he trailed off to the pavilion when the inevitable wag shouted: “Now’s the time to run, laddie!” # » * « Awful Bore (making conversation): I passed your house to-day. She (pointedly); Oh, thank you ever so much.

.* .. UNNECESSARY. . Brown had brought his young son to London to see the sights, and towards the end of a long day was, dragging his fourteen stone up the steps of the Monument. Long before they reached the top, the father was regretting that he had allowed his son to persuade him to undertake such a tiring climb. “Look, father!” exclaimed the, boy when they had reached the top. “Isn’t that a grand sight down there?” “Well,” puffed Brown, “if it’s so grand down there, what in the name of. all that’s wonderful did . you drag me up here for?”