FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 11 March 1933, Page 17 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

THE HOPE. The curate prided himself on his oratorical powers. He was describing the downward path of the sinner, and used the metaphor of a ship drifting and going to pieces on the rocks. A sailor in the audience was deeply interested. • “The waves dash over her!” bellowed the curate. “Her sails are split! Her yards are gone!. Her masts are shivered! Her helm is useless! She is driving ashore! There seems no hope! Can nothing be done to save her?” The sailor rose in his seat, his eyes wide with excitement. “Let go the anchor,” he shouted. # # * # A HARD WORKER. Magistrate: You’ve committed six burglaries in a week. Culprit: That’s right. If everyone worked as hard as I do we’d soon be on the road to prosperity. - a # # * CLOTHES AND THE CAT. Old Lady: Tell me, little girl, what kind of clothes does pussy wear. Little Girl: Clothes? Old Lady: Yes, clothes. Does she wear wool? Does she wear feathers? Little Girl: You poor lady, ain’t you never seen a cat? # # & ft PUTTING IT NICELY. “How did you get on at your arithmetic examination?” “Very well, father!” “How many sums ■> did you have wrong?” • “Only one!” “Good! How many were there?” “Twelve!” “Fine! And the other eleven were all right?” “Oh, no. I didn’t do them!” a # # • AS INSTRUCTED. . “What’s the formula for water, Jones Minor?” asked the science master. i “H I J K L M N O,” spelled out the scholar. “What’s that?” barked the master. The scholar slowly repeated the letters. “Whatever are you driving at?” said the master. “Who gave you that idea?” “You, sir,”’said Jones minor. “You said yesterday that it .was H to O.” # # * * PERTINENT QUERY. ' „ “Yes,” remarked the colonel, who, had taken seventeen to the first hole without reaching it, “this is my favourite, course, caddie, the course where I once did a hole in one,” “Stroke or day, sir?” queried the youth. SCENE IN MEXICO. • “One of us is a cheat!” “What do you mean?” “What I say. Five minutes ago I had a fifth ace in my boot-top and now it is gone.” « a a • ' THE BOWED HEAD. The teacher was explaining the difference between the stately rose and the modest violet. “You see, children,” she said,; “a beautiful, well-dressed woman walks along _the street, but she is proud arid does not greet anybody—that is the rose. But behind her comes a small creature with bowed head.” , “Yes, miss, I know,” Tommy interrupted; “that’s her husband.” a a • • BACK SEAT EXPERT. Friend: What do you get with your car? Owner of Car: Oh, about 10,000 words to the gallon. a a a a NOT IN THIS PUDDING. The English visitor in Aberdeen was invited out to dinner on Christmas, Day. The pudding made its appearance in due course, and the guest smiled his appreciation. ' “They say,” he said, “that whoever finds the threepenny piece in the pudding will be lucky.” ... “Aye,” gravely agreed the host, “and remarkably clever, too.” a a * • GOOD BAIT. An angler sat on the bank of a canal in Yorkshire watching his float. Presently a bishop came along with his pretty daughter. They stopped to look on. , “My friend,” said the. bishop, ‘I perceive that you are a fisher.” '“Aye,” grunted the angler. “I also am a fisher.” “Eh, is thaat soa?” said the mar with the rod. “Well, Ah’m pleased to meet a fellow sportsman.” “Ah, but there is a misconception in your mind. You are a fisher of fishes, but I am a fisher of men.” The argier turned and surveyed the daughter. “Aye,” he said at last, “and wi’ bait like yon you ought to get suthin’ good!” a * a ' . # OUT OF MISCHIEF. “How long is it since you have been in a Police Court?” / “Twenty years, your Worship.” “And where have you been since then?” “In prison!” a * * * Naval Examiner: You are sailing in bad weather, the ship is not water-tight, the crew is insufficient and inclined to mutiny, a storm arises; what would be your first thought? Candidate: To keep the story cvt of the newspapers. # ■ $ *., * Visitor (to local supporter at football match): The referee doesn’t seem very popular with the spectators. . I heard some of them threatening him just now. Local Supporter: Yes; they’re a pretty rough lot around here. In fact, .we always insist upon referees leaving the name of their next-of-kin with the club secretary before the game starts, in case of accidents. a a • * Author (at conclusion of his play): At last I’ve found out what the public wants. Friend: And what’s that? Author: It’s money back. a a a * Teacher: What tense is “I am beautiful?” Pupil: Past, miss. a # # # “Is it right that tipping is not allowed here?” asked the cautious diner. “No, I don’t think it right at all,” answered the waiter. “I think it most unfair.” ’ ' . * * * ’ He was puzzled over the reception he d got from those listening to his lecture, so asked for a friend’s opinion. “What do you expect?” the latter answered him. “You started off by saying, ‘I am pleased to see such a dense crowd.’ ” »»* • • He: What makes you-class me with the chauffeur, dear? She: You’re livery, old dear—livery. a■» a * Mother: Jimmy, why did you eat those biscuits at tea time, when I told you I only put them on the table to fill up space?” Jimmy: That’s exactly why I ate them, mother. a a * ♦ Mistress: Was your last place a good one Janet? Maid (after deliberation); Well, ma am, I used not to think so!

NOT LONG. . • ; “How long have you worked in this office?” . “Since they threatened to sack me. •’ « # * ’ * VERY GENEROUS. Mrs. Green was putting in a'good word for her husband at the Christmas party. “He is very generous, you know,” she said. / “Well, I can’t say mine is very’generous,” put in her companion. - 1 “Here’s an instance,” went on Mrs. Green. “I gave him a large box of cigars for a Christmas present, and, do you know, he only smoked one of them and gave the rest away to his friends.” # ■'' # * # ■ LIVING UP TO IT. ‘ 1 She sniffed contemptuously at her husband, who sat silently reading his newspaper. “Do -you remember before we were married you used to say that you were unworthy of me?” she asked. He looked dully at her. “Well, what of it, anyway,” he asked. “Nothing,” she shot back, “only you seem to be spending most of your natural life trying to prove it to me.” « # # • 'KITCHEN PHILOSOPHY. Mistress: I see a spider web in the corner, Mary! To what do you attribute that? , Maid: To a spider, ma’am.

CARRIED TOO FAR. ’ Thfe foreman was called away for 9 few days, and during his.; absence' he left two of his morf trusted workmen in charge. ~ \ ’’ ’ : ,'w. , “Pat,’’ he had said before he went, “you can be foreman on Monday, and, you, Mike, can be foreman on Tuesday.” On Monday, morning Foreman Pat made Mike’s life unbearable. He gave him-all sorts of difficult jobs, and- complained because they were ' not' dona properly. ' • ‘ Mike stuck it out, for as long as he could withbut saying a word. -At last he pulled, Pat aside. “You’re having it all your own to-day,’’ he'said grimly, “but you wait until to-morrow, you’ll wish you’d never been born.” Pat laughed. “You’ll be doin’ nothing to me, Mike, my lad,” he said. “I’m foreman of this job to-day, arid I’m givin’ you the sack to-night.” ■- * # • • • . EXPERIENCE. >■. ■ , -r ■ ■■ ;■■ ; j She was applying for a job as tele-phone-girl. - “Have you ever had any operating perience?” she was asked. “Oh, yes,” she’said. “I’ve had my tonsils removed!” x «. « * • BUT NOT TO EACH OTHER. “Let’s gbt married.” . “All right, but who would have m#*