FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 6 August 1932, Page 7 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

TWO ; OF A KIND. . Father and daughter were trying the shops in' .search of Christmas presents. Presently he stopped before a wellladen. stall containing doss. “Now then, Betty,” he said to his .daughter, “what sort pf doll would ypu like?” The .shop assistant handed one of the toys to the child. “How about that one?” he volunteer.ed. : “Np, thank you,” said the niodeyn child, “I think I’ll have twins,” * * # HIS objection. Suitor: “Sir, when I’m away from Evelyn I plumb the uttermost depths of despair.” . Mr, Newrich: “Well, I don’t want : my daughter to marry a plumber.” . # * # FALSE ECONOMY. Husband: I see by the paper that out of every 100 persons held for travelling without a ticket, 75 are women, Wife; There! That goes to show that women are mpre economical than mep. ♦ * * • STIFF. ■ Teacher: Ah, Jones, are you studying chemistry 7 Jones: Yes, -sir. Teacher.: Well, now mention three articles containing starch. . Jones: Er—-two cuffs and a collar, sir! ##• * # ■ HIS TROUBLE. “The warder fells me you have a complaint to make,” said the prison governor to the convict before him. “What is it?” ' ■ , ' “There ain’t enough emergency exits, Mr,” replied the prisoner. # ON THE HORNS OF A DILEMMA. Country Visitor (to farmer): Say, mister, is tiffs bull safe? Farmer: Aye; he’s a darn sight safer than ye are. THE SURPRISE. Doctor: You say you noticed something .strange in your wife’s speech last night ? . Husband: Yes—a pause. # 0 * * WHAT FOR? ‘ farmer (to lad): Hold my horse awhile, lad. Lad: Will it bite? Farmer: No. Lad: Will it run away? Farmer: No. Lad: Then what do ye want me to hold it for? # «= * * OH! Hubby: You never have any affection for me; you’d never think of calling me tdear’ as other men’s wives do. Wifie; Do other men’s wives call you ‘dear’? # * * # TIT-BITS. A miser is -known by the money he keeps. It doesn’t fatten a hungry man to make him laugh. The mosquito bites alike both the just and the unjust. A bargain .is a bargain —even if the other woman gets it. Most people would fall short if measured by the golden rule. Only a. foolish man will refuse to laugh at his wife s jokes. Even bald-headed barbers insist on telling hair-raising stories. Friends are almost as scarce as umbrellas when they are needed. Unless a servant knows Jus place he need not expect to keep it. A two-faced person is popular with both sides-—until he is found out. It is said that truth lies at the 'bottom of the well. Perhaps that is why the lawyer pumps the witness. # * * TRUTH THAT HURTS. “In my opinion a man who points out our faults to us is our best friend!” “Yes—but not for long!”

H JIHIIIIIIII Hint in Hill 1111 111 I 111 NO “CUP!” ■Minnie; I hear Joan has .a position a* detective ip one of the ’large stores. Winnie: Well, she’s wejcpme to it! Imagine in this neighbpur- ’ hood as a. ‘plait'clothes’ woman. *## . * , NINE, TEN, OUT! Heavyweight Boxer: The trouble is, doctor, I can’t sleep a' wink. Doctor: You must practice auto-sug-gestion. Why not lie on your back, relax and count slowly up to ten? « * * * MARKED OUT. Mistress (sharply): I have been looking round the rpoms, Jane, and I .notice that you have dusted the articles on' the shelves, but not the shelves.” New -Maid: That’s ori right, mum. _ I can see where you put ’em by doip’ that. # * * * WOMAN’S WAY.’ “7 saw the .cutest little hat this afternoon.” “Did you buy it?” “Not yet. I’ve got to pick out a more expensive one for my husband to •refuse to buy, so I can compromise with this one.” ss * * * THE PERFECT HUSBAND. He was about .to be married, and was listening to advice > from hje various friends. A wise old fogey said to him: “Now, my boy, if you want to bo a success, be clean about the house; be Lind and thoughtful; don’t smoke in the drawing-room; 'be kind to dumb animals; but, whatever you do, don’t say, ‘What a smart woman that is living next door!” ° * * * * WORKING DODGES, Smith: That new clerk of yours seems a hard worker. .Jones; Yes, that’s his specialty, you know. ■Smith; What? Working? Jones: No-no-no. Seeming to. « * * *

ONE STORY. Tram Inspector; Are you aware that none of the passengers -upstairs has a ticket? ; • Conductor (new to job):. Bless my soul. That’s through (living in a bungalow. ' #• # # MARKING TIME. Recruit: “Shall I mark time with my feet, sergeant?” Sergeant: “Did you ever hear of marking time with your hands? Recruit; “I understand clocks do, sergeant.” . TESTING FATHER. . They were discussing children. “You know,” said the serious father, “my young son asks me some very interesting questions at times.’ “But dp you object to that?” asked his companion. , The serious one shook his head warily. “I don’t know,” he replied. “1 cant be -sure whether he’s trying to find out -how much X do know or how much I don’t know.” # « * ■ IF IT’S ALL THE SAME TO YOU — Two men met at the races. One was seedy-looking. He passed to his more prosperous acquaintaiwe a tip which .duly came home. The other was delightawfully,” he said. “One good turn deserves another. I hope to have some rather special information to-nmr-row, and if you happen to .be here, I’ll pass it on to you as a quid pro quo.” “Bob,” replied the seedy one feelingly, “if it’s all the same to you, I’d sooner have a quid pro tern.” translated. ■ A Chjncse, passing the Customs, was asked his name. “Sneexe,” he replied. The Customs man-stared at him, and said in a puzzled voice: “Is that your native name?” “No,” replied the Oriental, “I had it translated into English.” "Then what is your native name', demanded the Customs man. “Ah Choo I”

THE OBVIOUS GAUSE., “What’s happened, George?” she asked Jier husband, who had got out of ■ the car to investigate. “Puncture,” he said briefly. ' “You ought to have been on the lookout for tiffs,” was the helpful remark. “You remember the-guide warned you there was a fork in the road.” * »- * .* AT LAST.-/ The hour of midnight was just striking as the householder crept silently down the stairs. With a quick movement he snapped on the electric ugh , and gasped as his eyes fell on a burglar tampering with his safe. _ “Jove, a real burglar !”Jie smffed. “Wait a minute, will you? . _ ' “While you call a copper, eh- fie said. “Not me,!” , _ ■ ’ , “No,” said the householder. Only, wait while I call my wife. -She’s heard you every night for 15 years, and it will -be a real pleasure for her to see you at last!” '' ' ' ' * ■ # *- * * ■•• HOW ARE YOU?” Two business men, having to spend a few hours in a. small town, decided to dine at the village hotel. One of them turned to the pretty waitress, and asked: “How’s the chicken? Oh, Im all right,” she blushed. “Bow are you? CLASHING ENGAGEMENTS. First Golfer: Shall we play another' round next Monday? Second Golfer: Well, I was to be married on Monday—but I’m sure we can arrange it-.' , w SOME MISTAKE. The- man who had received notice from the tax collector was both indiguant and mystified. He was called upon to pay £5O forthwith. He hadn’t £5. He wrote back as follows: “Dear Sir—On my income tax return I clearly stated my _profession, which you appear to have misunderstood, xou demand £5O forthwith. I said I was a contractor —not a conjurer!”

USED TO IT. The unsuccessful tragedian was aynlvme for a job in a film studio. , “I 'have come, sir,” he said to. the director, “because I desire a position in your company.” _ “Have you had any experience- of acting without an audience? asked, the director. A flicker of sadness appeared for » moment in the expressive eyas of the actor. ■ “Acting -without audiences,- he replied, “is what brought me here!” e # » * ♦ MORE APPROPRIATE. The young man 'had 'been telling the company of his adventures in Canada, how- he-had felled huge trees single-, handed, . . * - “I suppose you kept a very interesting diary?” said a friend. “Oh—er—well,” said the hero, “being a lumberman, I, of course, kept a Tog’ book!” ##* • • INDISPUTABLE EVIDENCE. Manager (to neglected diner): Can you identify the ’waiter who started serving you, sir? „ Diner (indicating plate): Well, we ve got his finger prints!