TO RAISE A LAUGH

Taranaki Daily News, 18 June 1932, Page 7 (Supplement)

TO RAISE A LAUGH

WAYS AND MEANS. Ruth, the daughter of the house, returned from a shopping expedition with an expensive looking new hat. “How do you like it, mother?” asked the girl, displaying her bargain. “Very nice, dear,” said th© mother, and added, “But how did you manage to afford it?” “I earned it myself,” said the girl. “How was that?” asked the mother in surprise. “I talked dad out of 'tlpree pound-' for it,” said the daughter. ® ® ® • HOW’S THAT? A village cricket match was delayed for some time, owing to the absence

of an umpire. The home' skipper, recognising an acquaintance 1 among the crowd, asked the man to officiate. He was. willing to do so. “Aw ret,” said th© skipper. "We’re ■fieldin’ first. Whenever you hear anybody say ‘Huzzat?’ you say 'Out? Later on, when 'we go in to bat, I’ll tell thee a 'bit more.” «.«*»« HIS ONLY CONSOLATION. Catch after catch had been dropped at the village cricket match, and the crack bowler was suffering in consequence. : After the wicketkeeper had missed a particularly easy chance the umpire remarked sympathetically to the bowler: 'Perfect epidemic, isn’t it?” “It is,” replied the disgruntled trundler, “but, heaven knows, it isn’t catching-!” e «. e • CURED. She was one of those women who always present a woefully untidy appearance during th© early part of the day. In vain her husband remonstrated with her. and it was not until aid came from an unexpected quarter that victory wa*s his. They had removed to a neh r house on the previous day, and when she answered the summons of the front door bell a woman awaited -her. “Oh, I’m .too late!” sighed the woman. “I called to see if the missus wanted a charwoman, but I see she’s suited.” • '<!»««» TAKEN AT HIS WORD. “What ar© ye gaun to ha’e, mon?” .asked Sandy of his friend at the club bar. . 14 We el,” pondered Mac, “I’m no’ parfeec’lar. Onything wi* a good heid on ’t.” 'Sandy quickly turned to the barmaid. , n “A' wee drappie o’ whusky for me, he said, “and my freen’ll ha’e a ha’penny stamp?’ ® & 0 ® NO SCOTCH.

In. Hollywood they were “shooting” a thriller film in which a Scotland Yard man was required. The director therefore sent a note to the casting director asking if h& could supply a man with the necessary voice. In half an hours time an actor was sent along to take the part. But after they had given him a trial the producer returned him to the casting director with this brief, note: “This guy won’t do. He don’t have a trace of Scotch accent.” « • • 0 A STICKER. The age-old problem of mothers-in-law had cropped up for discussion at the men’s club. Mr. Cum-Munday waxed bitter in hla remarks against them. ' “My mother-in-law has only visited me once since I got married,” he mentioned. “Well, you’re jolly lucky,” said Mr, Go-Toosday. “I can’t see what you’ve got to complain about.” “Lucky, you say,” said Mr. CumMunday. “Why, she’s' never left.” ; you think? I am Anticleia, your new mistress.” “And here,” the kind voice went on, “is a playmate for you. This is my own little daughter.” Eumaeos put out a timid hand and took that-of a little girl. “Come into the gardens,”'she urged. “They are lovely. And I have seven golden .fishes.” •’ So. begins the story of; Eumaeos, the happy slave Ithaca. When he was older he had charge of the herds of swine, with many men to work for him, and was known tfs the "godlike swineherd.” He grew very rich and builded and furnished him a house, but to the end of his life he loved Laertes and his mistress Anticleia.

IT PAINED HIM.

The comparatively mew motorist was telling hi® brother a few of his experiences. “It took me six weeks of really hard work to learn to drive a car,” he Hold him. ' "That seems a long time,” replied his

brother. “What did you get for your pains?” Th© motorist shook his head sadly. “Liniment, mostly,” he explained. 0 » « 0 TOO WEIGHTY The racehorse ■ owner, looking . carefully at the scales, was spedking to the jockey. “You are a trifle overweight,” he said. “Can’t you lighten yourself in someway?” isl,' “I’ve got on my light suit, sir,” replied the jockey, “haven’t had a bite to-day, and have just trimmed rny fin-ger-nails?’ “Well,” retorted the owner, “for goodness sake go and get a, shave!”

• # • o • RUDE PEOPLE.

A fussy woman got in a bus and noticed a man smoking, so she said: “Do you know that smoking inside the car is not allowed?” “I’m not smoking, ’’ was the reply. 'Put you have your pipe in your mouth.” said, the woman.

“I’ve got my boots on my feet, but I’m not walking, madam,” answered the man.

“Conductor, do you allow rude people in your car?” she asked, annoyed. ■Conductor; “If you sit down they won’t see you.” •

0 « * * DI'SAFPOINTED.

Friend (sympathetically): “Never mind, don’t worry. You’ll have your husband with you again in a month.” Wife Osobbing): “Yes, I know —and I thought he would get at least six months!” • « • • MUDDLED. A man came io the door of the church and beckoned to a policeman. “Come in” he said, “and remove a man. He’s making a disturbance.” “What’s the trouble?” demanded th© policeman. “It’s this way,” was the reply. “You know Hock and Hick, the simultaneous dancers? Well, Hock came here to be married, and he brought Hick along as best man. 'But it’s no go. Everything Hock does Hick does, too, and the parson says if somebody doesn’t interfere the girl will be married -to both of them.”

• 0 « 0 A. COLD ANSWER.

“Jeames,” called the rich, young man from his hed, “is the jolly old bathready yet?” The worried face of the valet appeared round the doorway. “All but the hot -water, sir,, it's all ready,” he replied. “What’s the matter with the hot water, Jeames?” asked the young man. “It’s cold, sir,” Jeames explained. .• • • • « AND ONLY JUST.. “Have you read this report? A famous judge has said that, i'n his opinion, jazz music. is just noise,” said ißinks. “Just noise?” Jinks retorted. “He surely means unjust noise.” HORSE OF HABIT. Smith; “I suppose Brown’s wife, was a kennel maid, and dog trainer before he married her.” Jones: “Ah! That’s why she’s made him ‘sit up’ ever since.” • # • » “THIS WAY, MA’DAM!” A very stout woman had just been refused a half-ticket for her 16-year-old daughter. Waving her umbrella, she shouted her opinion of booking clerks at the top of her voice, and concluded: “Wait, young man—wait till I get you!” , . The booking-clerk regarded her politely, pointed to the little hole in his glass window, and replied: “Come this way, please!” • a a • ALL BUT ONE. The would-be reformer was giving, a few examples of strong-minded men. “And another thing,” he exclaimed, “a man who can stop the tobacco habit can do anything.” “Except one!” came a voice from the back of the hall. “Well, sir,” said the reformer, “and what is that?”

“He can’t stop boasting about it,” came the retort.

THE SNAIL. (Sent by Gordon Payne.) The snail lives in his hard little house, In the orchard under the tree; Says he, “I have but a single rooiq; . But it’s large enough for’ me.” The snail in his little house doth dwell, Fom week’s end to week’s end. You’re at home, Mr. Snail, that’s all very well, But you never receive a friend. WHAT I’M GOING TO DO. (Sent by Ruth Sheer in.) I’m going to ride a circus horse, And stand up on its back; I’m to have a whip in my right hand, And won’t I make it crack! a*. * « A .SLIGHT DIFFERENCE. Mrs. Ayres was scanning a wellknown society paper. Presently she came to a poi'trait of herself. <T say,” she said proudly to her husband, “just fancy this paper calling me one of fashion’s butterflies:” The husband gazed critically at the portrait. , ~ “H’m!” he mumbled. “From the way you go . through your clothes, I’should think oiie of fashion’s moths would be a more suitable descriptioh.” ; APPROPRIATE. ’ “How do’ you. feel this morning, Jimmy?” , ' “Oh, jqst like everything- in the garden.” ■ ■ “Lovely, eh?”