TO RAISE A LAUGH

Taranaki Daily News, 23 April 1932, Page 17 (Supplement)

TO RAISE A LAUGH

Gentleman (taking out pocket took): "Did you say the suit was (five pounds?” Clerk: "No, sir, four pounds ten shil’ lings.” The Boss: "Vy, Janies, I’m surprised at you! You know our slogan is, ‘De customer is always right.’ ” «#* « ■

Smithers: “Jones J wants to borrow £lO from. me. Is he good for that amount?”

Black: "With proper securities.” "What would you suggest?” “A chain and padlock, a pair of hand* cuffs, and

®#« • . Bumptious Young Map; Yes, I’m a thought reader; I can tell exactly what a person is thinking. Elderly Man: In th'at case, I beg your pardon. © ® e ®

Husband': I wonder when you’ll learn to make bread like mother used to make.

Wife; Probably by the time you make the dough father used to make. # * ® «■

Counsel—-in illustrative vein—addressing the .jury: If I were to say I saw his Lordship going into a public-house—-His Lordship: Coming into a publichouse.

Tenderfoot Terence: IVhat’s that rope for?

Two-gun Tom: That’® a lasso—you catch cattle with it.

Tenderfoot Terence: And what kind of bait do you use?' *. ® ®

Wife of Chicago Gangster (looking in at a poker party); “Now, Alf, no gunplay to-night; I’ve just got the twins off’to sleep.” # « * ®

“How are you getting on with your courting of the banker’s.daughter!” “Not so bad. I’m 1 getting some encouragement.” ‘ “She’s beginning to smile on you, is she?”

“Not yet, but last night she told me sha had said ‘No’ for the last time.”

“He was a failure as an architect, so he. went on the stage,” “Is he drawing better houses?” «•» ; »

“Tell me, my dear, how do. you manage to get the maid up so early in the morning ?” “It was rather clever of me. I introduced her to the milkman.”

“I never associate with my inferiors, do you ?” “I don’t know. I’ve never met any of your inferiors.”

Newsholme: “When you were abroad I suppose you saw the great tracts Of ‘barren waste?" •Newrich: “Yes; hasn’t he a wonderful estate!”

“Mr. i-Sykes,” said a . vicar to his churehwarilen one Sunday evening, “we had ‘better take to-night’s collection before the sermon.” . “Indeed!” said the churchwarden. “Why!” " ‘“Well,” answered the vicar, “I am going to preach on the subject of economy.” # * # « “I’ve got a pretty distasteful job before me,” remarked the genealogist. “Mrs. Newrich employed me to look up her family tree, and I’ve got to inform her that one. of her relatives was electrocuted.” “Why worry about that?” said his friend, ‘‘Just write that the man in question “occupied the chair of applied electricity at one of our public institutions.’” * « • # A 'BULL, Sergeant (in charge of firing party); “You’ve got a bull this time.” Recruit: “Splendid.” Sergeant: “It’s in that,field on the right of • the target.”

INVENTTV® GENIUS.

“What’s a genius, mum?” asked little Bobby. “Well,” pondered his mother, “I suppose a genius is a very clever person.” “I’m one, then,” went on the boy, “Teacher said so.” His mother smiled. “Of course you are, my son,” she said encouragingly. “But what did your teacher say?” “She said I had a genius , for inventing,” explained Bobby. “And what did she say. you could invent?” asked the fond parent. “New ways of spelling words," came the reply. ft • • • , A LUCKY ESCAPE. •* Restaurant Proprietor (sampling new cook’s first soup):. “You say you served in France?” Cook; “Yes, sir. I was officers cook for two years, and wounded twice.” Proprietor: “You’re lucky! It’s a wonder they didn’t Jcill you!” * 100 PER CENT. TALKING. The two young ladies were talking together at the office on Monday morning. “Yes,” said one, “George took me to the cinema on Saturday. He hardly saw the film. He said I was the most interesting picture!” “I. guess you were/’ came the reply- “ 100 per cent, talking, too!” #♦* • . UNANSWERABLE.’ The teacher was trying to explain to the class the significance of white. He asked: “Why do you think a.bride .always wears white on her wedding day!” , No one answered, " Teacher; “It is because white 'betokens happiness, and . a woman’s wedding day is the happiest day of her life.” Small Boy: "But why does the man always dress in black?” © © ft ® TOO RICH OR TOO SMALL. There was company at dinner, and the boy had 'behaved very well, much to his fond mother’s gratification. Finally, as dessert was being served, he piped out: “Mother, is the dessert too rich , for me—-or is there enough to go round?” * « » s. A TONGUE ALL HIS OWN. Grocer’s Wife; “And does your little boy go to school?” Mrs. Newlyrich: “Oh, yes, and hes getting on so well; he is learning-French and algebra. Now, Billy, say something to the lady in algebra.” a * • NO TACT. The secretary of a golf club was playing a round one sunny morning, and happening to get into some deep rough} he was astonished to see a tramp lying basking in the sun. The secretary “went for” the man, and wound up-, by ordering him off the links. ‘‘Excuse me, boss,” said the tramp curiously, “but ’oo might you be?” ‘•l’m the secretary of this club.” “Well, well,” said the tramp with a reproachful shake of hie head, “this ain’t the way to git new members, y’ know.” ® «. # • BACK TO LAST CENTURY. Mother: “And what was grandmother doing to-day?” Little Bertha: “She was making soup without a tin-opener.” ® * • • •NO LONGER MISSED. “I see they’ve taken the 8 o’clock off this line. Do you miss it much?” “Never any more since they took it off.” ' •e• • • THE NEW SALESMANSHIP.Customer: “To what do you owe your success as a house-to-house salesman?” Salesman: “To the first five words I utter- when a woman opens the door, ‘Miss, is-your mother in!’”