CHRISTMAS CHEERS

Taranaki Daily News, 18 December 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

CHRISTMAS CHEERS

AFTERTHOUGHTS OF RACING.

(®y ‘

“Paritutu.”)

“The Right Way,” “There is nothing like a dignified and decorous meeting of stewards to allay the anger of the disappointed mob,” said Three Card Harry, rolling another fag. ‘Up at Cowville thirty years ago they knew how to run a race meeting properly, and there was .never any trouble there. I remember one time getting the ‘straight griffin about Lazy Annie for the Consolation Handicap. The mare had run stone last in the Flying, two races before, and I wondered what the stewards would say about the reversal, of form. But Bill Smith (owner) and Tom Casey (trainer) knew their business, and they .put the stewards and the cop? on the right way. If you had the right crowd with you at Cowville, you could do anything-short of murdei. “■Well I ‘emptied out’ on Lazy Annie, and home she rolls, an easy winner. The crowd went mad, arid yelled for the stewards to ‘put the whole lot of them out,’ and I tell you what—l began to get ■anxious. But the bloke who ‘put me wise to the joke reckoned that such a fine lot of honest and obliging stewards would give the -public what they demanded—a fair ayd thorough inquiry. The protest flag was ruu up to the top of the pole, and the stewards met in solemn conclave. * The stewards’ room’ yas oply a sack and kero, tin enclosure, Bft. by 6ft., and open at the top, and those of the stewards who could .not crowd in, placed eyes or ears to cracks in the sides. The sergeant of police took up his position at ‘the door.’ About a dozen spectators mounted the top rail of the enclosure, while the others crushed round and counted the Lazy Annie crowd out. ' r< inquiry was certainly long and exhaustive, the stewards listening unmoved to as great an exhibition of lying,. false testimony and perjury «-as it is possible to imagine, and at the conclusion they solemnly announced'that ‘the explanations had been •accepted,’ and that the judge’s decision would not be interfered with! The crowd accepted it in good part, showing what dignity will do when properly displayed by righteous stewards, and departed for home. The stewards and the cops then went round to collect, just as honest and straight-gping chaps should have done!” . ' ■;

“A Slight Mix-Up.” “The looker-on often gets the •worst of the deal,” said the man in the corner, “and this battered dial of mine isn’t a present from 7 the missus, or from Tommy Donovan either. It was got in a perfectly simple and harriiless mix-up, and when you hear the story'you will see. that I was an innocent and inoffensive spectator, and didn’t deserve one smack which came my way. “It happened in a second. class ‘smoker, coming home from Waverley races on .Monday night, and gt one’end of the carriage there were only Jimmy the ISpieler, • Tommy the Rook and myself, and we weren’t worrying anybody. Then in walks an old, kindly faced gent, who looked as if he had been enjoying himself somewhat, and he ups and tells us-that he had- backed every winner, and to sub--stantiate: it he produces'a ‘roll’ vyhich Royal Acre couldn’t have jumped over. We congratulates him on his good fortune, and ; Jimmy suggests- a little game of poker.' The ojd gent was willing, and I produces a.‘deck’, and deals four hands.- Play went on for a time without any .startling bids,,and the old bloke won a'few- quid. Then Tommy deals them, and gives me a wink. The old gent ‘came in’ and Jimmy gives it a ‘bump.’ I ‘throw in,’and Tommy says to me; ‘What the 'blank did you do that for?’ At that moment I must have been thinking of something'else, for I replies, quick and lively; ‘What is the use of playing when Jimmy has the four ’Aces?’ The old bloke lets out a yell. ‘This is a fine mob of swindlers and take-downs which I’m playing with;’ he roars,/arid -he rips a portmanteau off the 'rack and fires it promiscuous-like at the mob. - Of 'course I have to be the unlucky one; I that did nothing at all; I stop the corner with my eye! And just as I dig my. feet in to get out of range, I kick a chap in the tender ribs .who is sneaking a' free ride/,under the’ seat, and he grabs me by-the ankles, and I go flop right into the old chap’s arms. Then he gets into a frenzy, and for a few minutes he uses fists and feet with surprising energy for an old one. And, as you may guess, I was unfortunate again. The guard stopped the riot at the next station, where the old gent,gets out, arid as the train moves out I hears hini tell the tablet clerk what a good day he had had. ‘I cleaned up the tote,’ he says, ‘and, coming home, cleaned up a trio of • card-sharpers. It’s the best day I’ve had for many a long time!’ Then, as an afterthought, apparently, he added: ‘I haven’t used my ‘dooks’ so well since I knocked,, out Bruiser McCabe in the final of the heavy-weight championship twenty years ago!’ ” ’ ■ . ■ '

A Fish Story. The day between the races was, filled in by sports in various ways, quite a number taking advantage of the nearby, river to indulge in,,a day’s fishing. But. they had little luck, a few bundles of flounders rewarding their efforts. Now, in, that township there was a .barber whose fondness for fish earned him' the sobriquet of “The Cat.” His uncanny “sebnt” for fresh .fish was notorious, and nobody wondered, therefore, when he ambled into the . bar of the Criterion, and : asked if the amateur .fishermen. had. any speciriiens of the finny tribe to spare. “Vo we drily got a few floqnders,” said one truthful’sport, “and there is just enough to go round for one. meal?’ .“The Cat”- looked downcast,. but brightened up a whole heap when one of the crowd remarked: “There are a few soles there which yo.u \ can ha?e if you-like. We don’t care for them. Soles or flounders, they were all the same to lhe Cat,” and. he turned on a round of drinks while tKe wood Samaritan-.went off to get the soles. . Hewas back in a minute with a parcel, and apologised that there .were only four left. “That will do %e for the wife’s and miy tea,” the barber assured him, hastening off home, with his prize. “There’s some soles for tea< dear,” he called to his wife, placing the parcel on the kitchen table, and rushing back post haste to his newly-made friends in the hotel. “Those soles ought to be about cooked now,’ he said after awhile. ‘TH just hop off home and -put my feet under the table. Ta-ta for the present, and he was off. . ■ But'he was not absent long. Returning with a long face, and rubbing-a big lump on his forehead, he crept sheepishly into the bar. “That was to put ion to a man,” he said, ruefully, and the missus thought that I was in. tfiei j<?ke too—and she wan-ged me with the broom when 1 went home just now?’ “Why? What .was wrong? inquired the joker, of the party .with affected innocence. “What was- wrong?” echoed the barber; “everything was wrong! Those blessed soles were the soles off somebody’s boots; that was all!”