FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 9 August 1930, Page 15 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

IHE -SERIOUS ERROR. '• ■Wile ito husband who has just c.iixie, home): “Cook has left ms!” Man: “Why?” , J “.She said you were rude to her on. idie telephone to-day !" “The cook! Heavens! I thought it was yon .[ was talking to.’ ■ , NOT TO BE CHEATED. j Gumer, who was paying his-first visit to the city, iiad just left church when 111$ mother, discovered that he had threepence which she had given him I for 1 .he collection still in has hand. “Why didn’t you put the threepence i on the’collection plate 7” asked mother. | “Well, the man didn’t give me a | hymn book, so I wasn t going to pay ; him for what I did not get, said Gin- i ger, in an injured tone. HERE AND THERE. ' ' I A man - was praising his wife, as ail ’ men ought to dd on proper occasions. I •‘She’s as womanly a woman its ever j was.,” he ■ said, ’’out she can lninime.l i nails like lightning"’’. '/'■■.'.; ’“Th’at’s rematkable, ' satd. 'Hie listen ; ■ "Yes. >ir." said the first ’ speaker. I ;\You know lightning never ’strikes i.wii'e in the same place. ’ UNDERHAND METHODS. Dear Old- Lady: “I. don’t think ihe; new vicar can iri tpiite it scrupulous sort of man.’’ Maid: "Whatever makes you think that?’’ •• ; ■ ■ '■■ ■.' ■ Dear Ohl LadV; "Well, J. heard home- : one. <say he bowls underhand.” THE-"WET” .WAY..., .. . .‘A man had 'been hauled out. ol the sea, seemingly' dead.’ _ . .Spectator; "We must try artifieial ■ respiration. There, are six dtllercnt methods.” ; “Dead” 'Mail: “If brandy is one of them, leave the other live.” THE TONE OF IT. Judge: “Gni you tell the Court, exactly what ihe traffic officer said to you?” Defendant: “No, but I can give you a grnlT idea.’’ * . SO ’J’HERE. NOW! “it seems io me, my dear, that there is something wrong with this cake,” gently complained the young husband. “That shows you know nothing about it, darling,” answered his wife triumphantly. ’“The cookery book says its perfectly delicious.” . .

THE MAIN SUPPLY. ■ A dentist -received .a summons from a patient, who wished an -extraction -made : in -her own home. '"There will ibe no need for you -to ' bring your own gas .apparatus,” she wrote. "We have it laid on in the house.” • ' SHOCKING. A nervous .old lady was buying a portable wireless set. . “Now, do you -definitely assure me,” she asked, looking anxiously•' at- the Jus.trunmn.tj “that 1 shan’t get .a shpek ?” “Madam,” .said -the assistant -im-pres-mvely, “I do -definitely assure you that you won’t get a shock —until you hear some of the -programmes ” TAME TURKEY. A negro was asked to supply a tame turkey. The customer was insistent that it should be tame, and not wild. When he -came to carve the turkey he - found It full of shot:, and he reproached ; the negro for having supplied a wild i bird. . “In stile’ confidence.” explained the i negro, “dem shots was intended for ; me, not de turkey.” ' . I CO-OPERATIVE SHHIT-HEEIW. j Native; ■•“ How is it that you were j able to visit -Paris -in two -days?” • i The American': "‘My .daughter visited , the. mbnume-nts 1 -and the museums, my : .wife the stores,. while I visited the ■ theatres and cafes.” ! ■ ' AND NOW TO THE TvESCUE. The .little girl .was crying. Iler ipoth- i er, to distract he thoughts, called: ■'-Oh, come here, darling—come, here,. anil look at .the aeroplane.” , The- little girl ran to the window and stared up at the aeroplane till it -dis-, appeared. Then she got out her little j wet handkerchief again. “Mamma, what was I crying about?” she asked. THE CHEAP P.RESENT. “’What have you given your hiicb'-and as a birthday present’':” “A 'hundred cigars.” "That was very expensive, wasn’t' "Oh, jiol In the last two months I have taken two from his box every' day; and imagine, my dear, on his birthday he was so glad because I had chosen his favourite brand!” « # s A golfer was driving off about pi foot, in front of the teeing mark. The club., secretary happened to come .along. “Here. my man,” cried the indignant secretary, “you’re disqualified!” , “What for?” demanded the player, “You’re driving off. ■in front -of lie mark.” The player looked -at him pityingly.: “Away, you i.diot!” he £eres]y, ‘Tun playing my third stroke!”

DOCTOR'S MITICCLTIES. Doctor: YFfave/'you any difficult cases in your practice?” ColTcag’ne: •'T am just going to one — lie lips owed his bill for a .year./' I ASS I NTT Y. ; Temperance Lecturer: “'Now, suppose . I. had a pail of water and a pail of ; beer on this platform, and then brought on a donkey. Which, of the two Would' he take?” Voice: “He'd take the water.” “And why would he take the water?” ' “Because he’s an ass.” NO JOKE. ! - GueM : “Why don't you bring me iha.L ’ Mass of wafer-- I have asked six times for it.” Waiter: "Bui, -ir, 1 ilnm-ii; ym.i were joking." OVERST.KKED. .Mistress: “Didn't those ladies leave their cards. Mary?” Alarv: ‘‘ ’Deed no, ma'am; iliey would ave, but I told them you had plenty of your own.” . No NEED TO TROUBLE?, Mrs. Allen .was, about to engage a .new ■ servant girl. •"And .do..you'ha ve to be, called in the morning?•”...she asked-.the applicant. “I don't has to be ilium,” the girl, replied, ■ “unices you/ happens to need me.” . #.' # * * A. party of footballers were having their aiinm.il dinner, at the village's, only hotel. The proprietor, after a’eon-. sulfation with his wife, decided that it would be correct only to issue a serviette to' those who desired one. As dinner'was about to commence, a j waitress via's sent, round to' inquire, j < /.“Will you have a serviette, sir?’ r "sh'e asked the rather spaisely-built. captain ! of, the . side. ... .. ~ ; “Vesj I’ll have one.” lie replied. ' . The girl marked' ’this down in’ her ; notebook, and 'passed' on. t.p_. tlje next, diner, who'y as thc'.'team’s rtititer liefty goalkeeper. “Will you have a serviette;-Mr?” she, asked. “Rather,” replied the .goalkeeper. • “If that little fellow is only having one, I think T. eau manage two.” '■ • 1 # i:= # # An Irish farmer had a <-ow which was almost impossible to milk because of | its restiveness, so iie decided to get [ rid of it, and he sent Casey with it to the market. i Returning with much -more money I than he expected (.lie coW would fetch, ; rhe farmer'asked him if lie had told the i truth about the cow. • .

“Begorrah, I did,” replied Casey. “The man asked me if- she gave plenty of milk, and I said: ‘Man, you’ll be tired to death with the milking of her.’”

TO MAKE COFFEE. He: “I read in this newspaper that there are 27 different ways of m.-.-.ing coffee!” | She (irritably): "Why/do you tell I me that?” ! He;" ‘‘J. should be satisfied ii you I could learn’only one of them! '' : THE LONG FAREWELL. -I Young Lady (to ship’s captain): "My fiance is on the quay. Do you think / -that there, is time for me to say good-. . ! bye'to- him ?”'• '• _’ v Captain, (who has been at sea Ln; 1 I many, years): /“I m afraid not. I'ii.e: I ship must sail in two houre. j ' SECRETS. I 1 “I am sorry, but I canno-t stop your-: ! husband taJkiug'in his sleep.” ; “I don’t want you to do that, doctor. But 1 wish you could make him talk l more -distinctly!” THE EXIGUOUS FASHION'. ■ ; . She: “You pride yourself ,om 'being'., able to judge a woman’s character byher clothes. What would be your ver-j ' diet on my sister over there?” He: “Insufficient evidence. - ’ EXPERIENCE. ■.Country Beggar: “Is it true that the: streets .o'f London are paved wiv gold;; mate?”? London Beggar (with -memories .of ; many terms in .prison): “No, nuffink <>f ■ ' ! the -k-ind. They’re-paved with coppers,”; PASSED IT ON. “Some wretched swindler gave ,mc a ; bad half-crown to-day.” “Heally? Do let me' see it.” “I can’t. I paid- for my lun-m with it.” WHO KNOWS? Au iiibp.ecior wa-.s examining a <d;t.ss ... of - boys in seiepee, and received few - answers to his questions, lie asked ■ one in a rather facetious manner, which drew an aside, from a boy in the back row: “Silly ass!”

The inspector, .seeing the boy’e -lips move, called to him encouragingly■: “Speak up, my boy, you may be right.” THE CAUSE. It happened on board the boat. The breezy youn man came up to the worried looking one reclining in a deck chair. “I say, old man,” he said, “we' are getting up a game of quoits, married men against single; you arc married, of course?” “No,” the other replied. “I’m not married. I’m sea sick. That’s what makes me look like this.” ANGELS COULD DO NO MORE. ■ “Tilly, you were entertaining a man ip the kitchen last night, were you not ?” . “That’s for .him ■ ip.- t ,say, ma’am. 1 did my best.”

THE SYMBOL. ' He (presenting her' Witlr'a' ring, and preparing to make an eloquent speech): “My love for you is like this ring—without end!” She (giving him back the ring)“Arid my love for you is also like this'ring—without beginning/’ © # « « “I read that Dickens ■ sometimes worked two weeks tori brie-line/’ “That’s nothing, hiy ’uncle' worked twenty yehrs on one sentence;” ■ • ■ ■

I “Now,” said the bridegroom to the bride, when ’ they returned from their ’ honeymoon trip, “let us • have a clear understanding before we settle down to ! married life. Are you the president or the vice-president of this household?” “I want to. be neither president nor ' vice-president,” she / answered; be content with a subordinate position.” “'What position do you want, dear?” .“Treasurer.” •■ ■ "I lIIHI l»w Illi II tlMti ~ 7