WIT AND WISDOM.

Taranaki Daily News, 28 December 1929, Page 25 (Supplement)

WIT AND WISDOM.

THE SAFETY STRAP. 3 r ————— The new recruit had been drafted .into a cavalry regiment, and was making his first visit to the riding school in charge of a harsh-voiced instructor. » “ ’Erc’s yer ’orse/* began the latter. “Be careful ’ow yer speak to ’im, ’cos .’e’s fussy. The newcomer advanced and took the bridle gingerly, examining his mount with great care. ‘"What’s this for?” he asked, pointing to the girth-strap. “Oh, well,” explained the other, “all our ’orses ’as a keen sense o’ humour, and as they sometimes ’as fits of laughter when they sees recruits, we puts them bands round ’em to keep ’em from splitting their sides.” #'# # # A BIT TOO LATE. An old farmer was constantly advised by a local insurance agent to insure against fire. But the old man was convinced that fire insurance was an extravagance. “Na, na,” he would say, “my hoose is no’ gaun on fire, mon.” But the unexpected happened one night, and his house caught fire. Then the villagers saw the old fellow running up and down the street and shouting: “’VVhaur’s that insurance man noo? It’s terrible ye can never find a body when ye’re needin’ him!”

ANOTHER POLITICAL LIBEL.

A party of politicians decided on a few days’ picnic and to camp out overnight. Not being used to this kind of life, one of the members brought his brother along to do the cooking, etc. That night when the brother had completed the many tasks which fell to his lot he glanced around the camp fire for a seat, but the other members were crowding it so close that he had perforce to take a seat outside the circle, where ho shortly fell asleep. Awakened a little later the party asked him if he had slept well, and when he replied in the negative they wished to know the reason. “Well,” he replied, “I dreamed I died and went below.” “Yes,” they replied, “and what was it like.”

“Just like this,” he answered: “You couldn’t get near the fire for politicians.” 1

Wallace: Why don’t you marry Gladys? Afraid to pop the question? Horace: No; afraid to question the pop.

The scene is a seaside onco more. "How did you find your chop, Mr. Brown?” asked the landlady. Mr. Brown walked toward the door. “Oh,” he said, “I just moved one of the potatoes, and there it was!” =» « =» » *

Car Salesman: And is there anything else I can show you about this new model?

Young Lady: Yes; please show mo how to turn on the radiator if the car gets cold.

Two inmates of a Scottish, asylum, working in the garden, decided upon an attempt at escape. Watching their op-' portunity, they approached a wall. “Noo bend down, Sandy,” said the one, “and I’ll dim’ up your shoulder to the top and then I’ll gie ye a hand up tae.” Tam, mounting Sandy’s back, gained the top of the wall, and, dropping on the other side, shouted, as ho prepared to make off —“I’m thinking, Sandy, you’ll be better ta bide anither fortnight, for you’re no near richt yet.”

The actor believed he could act and he let the world know it.

“When I am on the stage,” he declared, "I lose sense of all about me, the audience completely disappears — “Yes,” said his candid friend. “And who can blame it?”

The newlyweds were dining out. In the middle of the meal a tall, slim young woman passed through the restaurant and smiled rather dangerously at newlywed.

“George,” gasped his wife, "who was that woman?” And she watched the retreating figure with a suspicious frown. Her husband held up his hand in protest. “Darling, for heaven’s sake don’t ask me who she is,” he replied. “I shall have trouble enough explaining to her-., who you are, as it is.”

“Atishoo!” went the occupant of the corner seat in the railway carriage. “Atishoo!” he repeated a moment later. He turned to the man sitting beside himi “Hay fever,” he explained. Always get it in this hot weather.”

The second man nodded sympathetically. Then he dived into his pocket and brought out a little round box. “Try some ctf this,” he said. “It’s a special cure for it.”

The sufferer removed the lid and, gazed with interest at the powder in the box.

“Is it any good?” he asked. ' - “Any good?” said the owner warmly. “'Well, sir, I’ve had hay fever for 3'2 years and I’ve never taken anything for it but this.”

“I’ve met a few mean people in my time,” said Hooker, “but the very meanest were two friends of mine with whom I went fishing. They knew of my fame as an angler, and one said: — " ‘Let us agree that the first to catch a fish must treat the other two to a lunch.’ ■“

“I agreed to this, and we started. Now. we had not been fishing more than three minutes before each oi those two had a bite, but they were too mean to pull up.” “And, of course, you had to pay for the lunch,” remarked one of his listeners.

“No jolly fear,” replied Hooker. “You see,’ I slipped my line in without any bait on the hook.”

He used to walk in the moonlight! with one arm full. Now he walks the floor with both arms full.

“Is he a faithful dog?” “I can guarantee that. I’ve sold him three times, and three times he’s come back.”

Proprietor: You come into my restaurant, you order a glass of vater, you drink it, and you calmly valk put.? , Scot: What were ye expectin’ me tae dae, mon? Stagger out?