WIT AND HUMOUR

Taranaki Daily News, 13 July 1929, Page 20

WIT AND HUMOUR

WARNED. Meekly made up his mind that he w&8 not going to be bossed any longer by ihs wife, so when he went home he called out, imperiously: “Laura!” Mrs. Meekly was in the midst of her cooking, and she came, out of tho kitchen, an angry expression on her face. “What do you*want with Laura?” she asked. Meekly staggered, but braced up. “I want you to understand”—he tapped his breast dramatically— that I am the engineer of this establishment, that I am —” “Oh, you are, are you? Well I want you to understand that I”—And she looked dangerous —“that I am the boiler that might blow up, and sling the engineer into the next street. Do you hear the steam escaping?" « « « « NO NEED. A farmer recently paid a visit to n neighbour, and as he passed along by the side of the fields he made a mental note of the fact f t no scarecrows were visible. Meeting his neighbour socn after he opened the conversation as follows:— “Good morning, Mr. Oats, I .see you have no scarecrows in your field. How . do you manage without them?” “Oh, well enough,’’ was the innocent reply. “You see, I don’t need ’em, for I’m in the fields all day myself.” * * & ENJOYING THE SHOW. Act I. “I wonder if the baby is covered. It’fJ cold to-night.” “Of course, he is. Don’t worry about him all the time. The nurse is there to watch him.” “I know, but I can’t help worying.” Act 11. “It sounds as if "there were a storm outside. It was threatening when wo camo in. I’m so afraid the baby will get uncovered and catch cold.” “Now, darling, he’s perfectly all right. Please stop worrying about him." “But' I can’t help worrying about him.” Act. 111. “Do you remember if we left his win* do we up very much?” “Windows? Oh, the baby’s? How should I know? I didn’t touch them.” “Oh, I know they’re wide open, and he’s in a draught, and will catch cold!” “I’ll be so glad when the show is over. I can’t wait to get home to see if the baby is really covered.” I # o =::= * WASTED EFFORT. The motorist was hurrying and the pedestrian didn't have a chance. There was a grinding < e brakes and a thump. Ten minutes later the pedestrian regained consciousness to find the motorist bending over him. “Where am I?” he asked. “What, don’t you know?” roared th© motorist, angrily. “I’ve lost my way, and I’ve been waiting all this time i while you came to your senses so that you could put me right."

JUST THE THING. Morning, noon and night, commercial travellers were calling on a harassed business man, until at last he did not know which way "to turn to avoid them. After the two hundred and thirtyfifth canvasser was announced he felt? extremely upset and annoyed. “Good gracious! What ever next?” ho roared, as the man and bag, complete with beaming smile and “.hail-fellow-well-met’’ manner, were shown into nis < -ce. “Confound you, sir!” roared the business man, jumping to his feet. “You travellers make me so crazy that I simply cannot find words to express myself!” “Quite, sir,” replied the .agent, unabashed. “Then I am the man you want. I have here,” he said, extracting a volume from his bulky bag, “the very latest and most up-to-date dictionary published." ‘ # ALWAYS IN. “Somehow,” said the genial station official, as he seated himself beside tho traveller, “there are some things that lead people to appreciate our wonderful improvements for their convenienco and comfort." “Oh, don’t worry,” laughed the jollytraveller; “there arc some things about yr- ” line that are always in the public eye.” “I am glad to hear that. And would you mind naming them?” “The cinders, it; the cinders.” » & # # AND THAT’S FLAT. The prospective tenant had inspected all the rooms, the coal-cellar, and the other conveniences of the flat, and had expressed' himself satisfied. “Have you any children?” “I have.” “Then you can’t have the flat.” “But you don’t understand. My youngest child is 30 years old, married, and lives in Australia, and the other two are in America.” “That makes no difference,” said the porter. “I have orders not to let this flat to anyone with children!” * - i f ANOTHER LIBEL. “Lie down, puss,” said Sandy entering an Aberdeen tramear the other day followed by a Pekinese, whose neck was encircled by a blue ribbon from which dangled a tiny bell. “Puss?” said a passenger. “Why, surely that’s a dog.” “Whist, mon,” said Sandy, pointing to a notice on the window which read, “On and after August 1 dogs travelling on these trams will be charged for."