WIT AND HUMOUR

Taranaki Daily News, 12 June 1926, Page 21

WIT AND HUMOUR

Bill Collector —I will call again tomorrow, when I trust you will be prepared. to pay the bill. Hard-boiled One —Yes, do drop in. It’s a pleasure to entertain an optimist like you. * * * * Newly Promoted Police Sergeant— We don’t get these stripes for waiting about street corners, you know. Observing Bookie—No, sergeant; if you did, you’d look like a zebra by now. * * # • Jim —Yes. I’ve been laid. up. Nothing serious, but this is the first time I’ve been out for three months. Bob— Really? What was wrong? Jim— Nothing, only the jury wouldn’t believe it. * * * # The teacher had been giving a class of youngsters some idea of proverbs, and after the lesson she put a few questions. “Birds of a feather—do what?” “Lay eggs,” piped a small boy before anyone else had a chance to speak.

Father—Did you tell your teacher that I helped you with your French exercise, Tommy ? Tommy—Yes. Father—And what did she say? Tommy—She said she wouldn’t keep me in this time, because it didn’t seem fair I should suffer for your ignorance. * * * * Jazz puts the din in dinner, but takes the rest out of restaurant. ***** Customer—This meal looks like sand. Grocer—Well, it was ground this morning. * * * * Foreman (to applicant)—Are you a mechanic? Pat—No, soor, Oi’m a McCarthy. * * * * The new Shah of Persia was formerly a groom. Persia has long needed a stable government.

An Illinois woman Judge held a Court in her home. Any woman can Say down the law there. First Golfer (concluding fishing story) —And —er—ho was about as long as that last drive of yours. Second Golfer—Oh, I say—really? First Golfer—And so I threw him back. * * • • Dr. Daytodn Miller, president of the American Physical Society, claims to have disproved the Einstein theory. We have always understood, however, that the theory Of relativity was not intended to be applied to America. * * * • “Dear Editor,” wrote the politician, “your paper claims to be supporting me, yet yon did not print a line of my speech.” “And thus,” replied the editor, “we remain your friend.” J

At one London night club there are glass-topped tables lit from beneath with pink lights, which diffuse a soft glow on patrons’ faces. So, even if a reveller pales when a guinea is charged for a devilled kipper, nobody notices it. • * * * Percival—That Was the unkindest cut of all. Penelope—What was that? Percival—l showed her one of my boyhood pictures With my father bolding me on his kness, and she said, “Who is the ventriloquist?” # * * • Young Husband —Last night when I came home my wife had my chair drawn up before the fire, my slippers ready for me to put on, and— Old Friend —How did you like her new hat? * * • # “That man who is paying attention to Madge is certainly a loud dresser." “Doesn’t matter. She turns a deaf ear to his suit.”

There are estimated to be 10,000 members of 38 ping-pong clubs in Germany. Was this known at Locarno! # * • • Fashionable. Lady (to interior decoration expert)—l want you to decorate the underside of all the tables and things in the house. I have just realised that it Is really the only view our dear little dog gets of them. * « • • “She thinks no man good, enough for her; she may be right.” “And she may be left.” * * * * Inventor—l have here a safe which cannot be: opened. Patent Attorney—Let’s see; what is the ide a back of it?” Inventor —I have combined the Pullman window and a sardine can, retain* ing the best features of both.

“Mr. Appel is certainly well read. 14 repeated an exquisite quotation Saet) night.” “What was it!” “I can’t give the exact words, but he said he’d rather be a something in A something than a something or other in a something else.” • • • * The cadet had been at the naval training station two weeks and had spent most of that time in digging ditches, chopping trees, levelling hillocks, and filling depressions. Finally fie sought his immediate superior. “You see, sir,” he complained, "when I joined the Navy they said I’d see th* world, and here for two weeks I've done ncthing but rearrange it.” • * * • Teacher—Now, who was the father of the black Prince? Bright Lad—Phase, sir, old King Cole.