WIT AND HUMOUR

Taranaki Daily News, 2 January 1926, Page 17

WIT AND HUMOUR

TACTLESS. i Tommy eame out of the room where his father was tacking down the carpet, ille was crying loudly. “Why, Tommy;, wiiat's the matter?’ asked his mother. “P-p-papa hit his finger with the hammer,” sobbed Fomniy. “Well, you needn't cry about a thing like that.” continued his mother, “why didn’t yon laugh?” “I did,” sobl>ed Tommy. HOW TIME FLIES. “Dearest, I love yon,” he declared passionately. “Since tne dawn of creation, since the birth of this world, since the beginning of time I have known and loved you. Darling, will yon be mine?” “Oli, Tom, this is so sudden!” A \ ER.Y LONG TIME. Lecturer: The idea of eternity, my friends, is something too vast for the human mind to conceive. Voice from Audience: Did you ever try to pay for a motor car on the instalment plan? * * * # CUTTING. Mr. Suburb stared down at what appeared to be a hideous table decoration. “Great heavens, what’s this?” he demanded. “Our new neighbour, the bride next door, sent it in. It’s a cake she made herself.” “But why has she sent it?” “I suppose she wishes to cement our new friendship,” answered Mrs. Suburb. “I see,” murmured the mean male, “and this is a sample of the cement?” ♦ * * * QUITE SIMPLE. They were exchanging marvellous dog stories, and the quiet man in the corner was getting very bored. At last he saw his chance.

“Ever hear this one?” he asked suddenly. “A dog was tied to a rope fourteen feet long. Twenty feet away was a fat, juicy bone. How did the dog get it?” “He didn’t get it, of course.’’ “Yes, he did. You see the other much like you’ve never seen before.” TIME TO BEGIN. IMiss Vayne: I declare I begin to feel that 1 am growing old. It s really unpleasant. Miss Candid: It must be. You’ve been young such a very long time, haven't you ? HABIT. Formerly ladies were always late because they had dresses that buttoned up the back and long hair that required hours of arranging. Now they are iust late for “no reason at all! « * *- * A MIXED DOUBLE. “Good morning. sir.” said the stranger. “Your face seems familiar; I’ve seen you before, or someone very much like you.” i The other pondered over this, and thoughtfully filled his pipe before replying: “Well, I've never seen you before in my life—or else it’s someone very much’ like oul’ve never seen before.” COOL. A few minutes after the alarm was given that the hotel was on fire one of the guests joined a group of others who were watching the spectacle, and chaffed them on their apparent excitement. “There is nothing to get excited about,” he said. “When the alarm sounded I jumped out of bed, lighted a cigarette, brushed my hair, and took my time about dressing.” “Really!” exclaimed one of the party. “Certainly. I - didn't like the look of the knot in my necktie so I tied it over again, and then I strolled out to watch the fun.” “(Fine,” replied another , who had been standing by. “But why didn’t you put' on our trousers?” * » *■ * HER BAIT NOIR. “Reggie is a nice man to take a girl fishing, I must say,” said Muriel i when she reached home. “I will ’ never go fishing with him again!” “My darling. Ikjw terrible!” exclaimed her mother. “Confide in me, dear. Tell me what he did.” “He just fished!” exclaimed Muriel petulantly. # * * * THE BRAVE FELLOW. Father: Hard work never killed anyone. Son: I know, dad. But I’d like a career with a spice of danger in it. THE SMILE THAT WENT WRONG. The kind old lady, paying a visit to the hospital, passed a young man swathed in bandages. “Keep smiling, young man,” she told him kindly. “It’s the best medicine.” “No; I'll never smile again,” replied the battered one sadly. “I'll never smile again—at least, at another fellow's girl.” NOT PAID FOR, She took the bouquet in her pretty way. And said, as she fingered the mignonette, “They couldn’t, you know, have been picked long ago, There’s a little dew on them yet.” He eyed the bouquet in a thoughtful way, And. recalling the florist’s unsettled bill, He answered her: “Quite; you are perfectly right— There’s a Tittle due on them still.”

WONDERFUL. Mrs. Newlywed: Just think, dear: we’ve been married twenty-four hours! ” Bridegroom: Yes, and it seems just like yesterday. Isn’t it wonderful!” HALF AND HALF. “I asked you for a loan of £5. This is only £2 10is.” "1 know it is, but that’s the fairest way- —you lose and so do 1. EXCESSIVE FLATTERY. A prince went to inspect a rare collection of books in a little town. The mayor accompanied him. To his great amazement, the prince discovered that all the books were placed on the shelves the wrong way about. “What made you arrange them in this fashion?” “I could not permit the volumes to turn their backi, on your Highness.” THE CHRISTMAS PRESENT. Shopper: Isn’t £5 dear for this? Salesman: The price is £2. That other ticket is meant to bo kept on when you make a present of the article. A GOOD EXCUSE. Teacher: Did you read your lesson over to yourself, as I told you to? Bobby: Yes. Teacher: Then how is.it you don't know it? Bobby: I suppose I can't have been listening. * » * * A GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT. First Farmer: How is it you no longer put up at the Blue Lion when you drive to market? Second Farmer: Because they are real frauds’ Last winter, when I lodged there for a night, they made a great fuss of me, and gave me a big bottle to take to bed. And when 1 opened it, what d'ye think it was? Nothing but hot water! ♦ * * * THE BRAVE MAN. Jack: I envy that man who sang the tenor solo. Joan: Why, I thought he had a very poor-voice. Jack: So did I. But just think of his nerve. , - EGGING HIM ON. Terrible discords were issuing from the adjoining room. The visitor .sat up and looked apprehensively at 'his hostess. “Eh, what is that?” he inquired. “It is only my son practising on the piano,” she smiled. “Just so,” replied the visitor. “Does he enjoy playing?” The fond mother smiled cheerfully.

“He did not at first,” she admitted. “I had a very hard time trying to make him play his scales until the neighbours ’complained.” » » * * ILL ADVISED. “Yes, Doctor,” remarkeel the patient “I have been suffering like this for several days, and so finally went round to see the chemist.” “What ever did you do that for?” exclaimed the doctor. “Good gracious, man, don’t you know that chemists often give the most ridiculous advise? What did he tell you?” “To see you,” replied the patient, putting on his hat. “Good-day!” « » * » THE REASON WHY. At the conclusion of a school treat an excellent teacher, desirous of administering a little moral lesson,, inquired of the boys if they had enjoyed the repast. With the ingenuous modesty of youth they all responded, “Yes, sir.” “But,” pursued the excellent teacher, “if you had slipped into the garden of this" kind gentleman who has provided you with this treat, and without his leave picked the strawberries wbieh you have so much enjoyed, would they have tasted as good as now?” Every small boy in the stained and sticky company shrieked, “No, sir.” “Why not!” “ ’Cause,” said one of the smallest, with the cheerfulness of conscious virtue, “then we shouldn’t have had susrar and cream with ’em.” c . » * » A GIFT. Master: Johnny, how is it that you are so bad at addition? Johnny:l don’t know, sir. Master: Does anyone help you? Johnny: Yes, sir, my father. Master: What is he? Johnny: A .waiter. NO GOOD. “Well sir,” said the young lady who wanted to be a great singer, “you have tried my voice. I want you to tell me just what is it best adapted to. Without a momen’ts hesitation the singing professor replied: “Wbispering” . ALL SHE WANTED TO KNOW. Full of American tourists the char-a-banc passed the great London house and the guide announced: “We are now passing the town house of the Duke of Renchester, one of the largest landed proprietors in England.” A pretty girl on the second seat looked up in sudden enthusiasm. “Ah.’’ she said, “who landed him? Do tell me!” * * * » GAVE IT UP. Gladys: And then Dick put his arms around me and 1 wanted to scream and T couldn't, and when J finally could 1 didn't want to.