CHRISTMAS CRACKERS

Taranaki Daily News, 20 December 1924, Page 4 (Supplement)

CHRISTMAS CRACKERS

AN UNPLEASANT SURPRISE. A traveller rushed up to a stranger ,on a railway station just as the train was about to start, and asked, “Are you going on this train?” “I am,” was the reply. “Weil, my friend,” said the traveller, “you might do me a favour. I have two big trunks and they always make me pay extra for one of them. Would you mind taking, one? It will cost you nothing.” “But I haven’t a ticket,” said the stranger. ’ “I thought you were going by this train ?” exclaimed the traveller. “Yes, I am!” was the answer. “I am one of the company’s inspectors.” NOT MUCH WORK. A gentleman who had lost two friends by death alleged that he had got into communication with them from the other side. One was reported to be in paradise and the second in the other place. The one in paradise reported that he was very happy and that he worked twelve hours a day, and claimed that we mortals could be far happier if only we worked longer hours. The other said that things were not so bad but he only worked half an hour per day. “Why is it,” inquired his friend, “that you only work half an hour per day?” “Oh,” he replied, “that is very easily explained. You see in this place we areso heavily overstaffed.” SCARCELY A TEMPERANCE MAN. MacTavish had gone to call on the new neighbour. Asked afterwards what he thought of the newcomer Mac replied: “Well, he’s a decent sort o’ fellow, but he’s no’ exactly a temperance man. He brought out the whisky bottle, and man, be was juist sitting there drinkin’ and drinkin’ till I could scarcely see him!”

PRINCELY PERQUISITES. When the late King Edward was a very youthful Prince of Wales, he once wrote to his august mother for a “fiver ” Queen Victoria replied at some length in an epistle of salutory commendations for the welfare of a young man endeavouring to borrow money he had not worked for, but not enclosing the cash. Some weeks later the Prince acknowledged Her Majesty’s reply and cheerfully informed her that she need not forward the fiver .as he had sold her letter for £2O. DOWN LN THE WORLD. In a rapidly-growing borough notorious for its unmade roads, a member of the town council was pursuing his way home after a long and stormy sitting. The night was dark and the rain streamed in torrents. The councillor’s way lay along one of the unmade roads. In the course of his journey he espied in the middle of the road a dark object, which, upon closer examination, proved to be a silk hat. Influenced, doubtless, by the cry of economy which had been dinned into his ears at the meeting he had left, he seized the hat to bear it home. Great was his surprise to hear a voice from below: “What ar e you doing with my hat?” “Why, what are you doing down there?” asked the councillor.

’’Driving a hansom cab,” came back the ! answer.

THE ONLY WAY. An American newspaper claims that the hogs in a certain State are so fat that, in order to find out where their heads are, it is necessary to make them squeal and then judge by the sound. Why should a in an always carry a watch when traveling in a dry desert? Because every watch has « airing on it.

REASONABLE. It was long past bed-time, but Ikey strode the floor restlessly to the annoyance of his wife Rachel, already ensconced in bed. At last she could stand it no longer and demanded an explanation. The harrassed Ikey told her that he owed £4OO to his friend Mosey, which sum was to be paid without fail on the morrow, but he had not the money. Rachel went to the window and called across the street to Mosey. The window opened and Mosey’s head appeared. ‘'Veil, vat is it?” he inquired. “Ikey owes you £4OO vat he must pay you to-morrow, don’t he?” “That’s kvite arhite.” “Well, he can’t pay you!” shouted Rachel and slammed the window. “Now,” she said to her husband, “for goodness’ sake you come to bed and let Mosey valk de floor!” ' According to a fashion writer, women are having new dresses made shorter. In consequence of this, we anticipate that men will be wearing old suits longer. Nant is from a Welsh word, meaning stream; wich is the old English wic, a village, so that Nantwich means the village by the stream. BETTER THAN ONE. An old Irishwoman was driving her donkey and cart up a hill. But the load was very heavy and the gradient was very steep, the road was in very bad condition, and, at last, the donkey came to a halt and refused to budge. Just then the Methodist parson came along, took in the situation, and, desirous of helping, put his shoulder to the wheel with the result that the summit was reached.

‘Thank ye, sorr,” said the old woman in thanking him. “One donkey couldn’t ’a’ done it.”

POTTED WISDOM. A well-to-do Scottish lady one day said to her gardener: “Mon, Thomas, I wonder you don’t get marrit. You’ve got a nice house, and all you want to complete it is a wife. You know that the first gardener that ever lived had a wife.” “Quite reet, missuss,” said Thomas, “quite reet. But he dina keep his job long after he had gotten the wife.”

What is the difference between a receipt and a man who has dined well? The one is signed and dated, the other dined and sated.

What is it that holds water although it is full of holes ? A sponge.

PROOF. It is a simple matter to prove that a dog has ten tails. No dog has nine tails, but one dog has one more tail than no dog. Therefore, one dog has one tail plus nine, which equal ten. “I’m surprised to see you go hunting. I always thought you were a great animal lover,” remarked a friend to Mr. Newrich. “And so I am, but I must keep up appearances,” replied the man of wealth; and then, growing confidential he whispered: “But I always use blank cartridges.” What is that which the more you take from it the larger it grows? A hole.

NOT STRICTLY CORRECT. They were having a botany lesson, and the teacher asked the children if they knew what made the leaves turn red in the autumn. Up popped one hand, and only one. “Weil, Tommy?” asked the teacher of the owner of the hand. “Pleilse Miss,” replied Tommy, “they blush to think how green they have been all the summer.” HIS BEST SHAVE. An English tourist arrived one Saturday evening at a small hotel in an outlying part of Arran. Next morning he asked the hotel keeper for the shaving saloon. He was'.told that the hotel had no such accessory, and that if he wanted a shave, and could not do it himself, he should step over the way to the blacksmith’s. This he did. The blacksmith conducted him into th e smithy, told him to sit down on the anvil, and then fastened an unwholesome leather apron under his chin. The unconventional barber’s next operation was to spit vigorously on a piece of pale yellow soap which, with the aid of a shaving brush, he worked into a beautiful lather and applied to the tourist’s face. When the shave was done the tourist admitted he had had the best shave of his life. Not relishing the manner in which the lather was manufactured, he asked the blacksmith if he always spat on the soap. “Och, naw,” replied that worthy, “ye’r e a bit o’ a stranger, but if it’s onybuddy I ken, I jist spit on their face.” HER FIRST CHEQUE. After I had got married, on our return from the honeymoon/ I gave my wife her first housekeeping cheque. “I think 1 should like this photographed,” she said, after looking at it for a few moments. “I suppose you wish to keep a photo of it as a memento?” I queried. “Oh, no,” she replied; “I only want it enlarged.” THE WRONG TREE. A war profiteer was showing a wellknown prelate over his newly erected country house- Along the carriage drive he had planted a row of elms. “These ’ere heliums,” said he, “ ’ll grow into fine big. trees some day. I shan’t live to see ’em full size. I planted ’em for the benefit of my posteriors.” The clergyman promptly replied. “What a pity you didn’t plant birches.” TACT. In the election campaign of 1906 a certain politician seeking the suffrages of th e electors sought during the course of his speech to ascertain the prevailing religious tendency of the constituency. “My greatgrandfather,” he said, “was an Episcopalian” (frigid silence), “but my greatgrandmother was an adherent of the Presbyterian Church of Scotland” (calculated coolness). “My grandfather was a Bap- , tist” (more silence), “but my grandmother was a Congregationalist” (continued coolness and silence). “But I had a great aunt who was a Weslyan Methodist” (loud applause), “and—and I have always followed my great aunt.” (Frolonged cheering.) H e got in.