WIT AND HUMOUR

Te Awamutu Courier, Volume 53, Issue 3822, 16 October 1936, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOUR

JUST SO. The village constable was undergoing an examination for promotion. “Suppose,” said the examiner, “that you are accosted late one evening by a charming young woman who tells you that a strange young man has embraced her and kissed her. What would you do?” The constable answered without hesitation: “I would endeavour, sir, to reconstruct the crime, with the young woman’s assistance.” THE EFFECT Said the sailor to the benign old man: “Adventurous life I’ve led. Had an operation a little while ago. After I’d come to, the doctor told me he’d left a sponge inside me. ‘Let it be,’ I said, and there it is to this day.” “Does it pain you?” his listener inquired. “No pain at all, but—l do get terribly thirsty!” THE INDIGNANT MAID. After Jane, the parlour maid, had admitted the simple looking young man into the house for the sixth time in a week, the girl went to her mistress. “Madam,” she said, “I want to give you a week's notice.” The mistress of the house looked puzzled. “But, Jane,” she said, “this is very sudden, isnt’t it? Have you a good reason?” "Yes, madam. ‘I can’t bear the sight of that simple faced young man who calls to see your daughter, Doris,” Jane explained. Her mistress smiled tolerantly. “But, Janes,” she exclaimed, “the young man doesn’t call to see you, so why should you worry?” / “I know he doesn't,” said the maid, “but that’s not the point. The- maids in the other houses think he does.” SHE KNEW. A golfer who wished to make an appointment with the club "pro.” called at the house and rang the bell. He was answered by the professional’s diminutive daughter. “Is your father in?” he asked. “No,” said the little lady, "he’s out giving 'struction to a lady. “Bless my heart,” said the golfer, in mock surprose, “ ’struction is a large word for such a small girl. Do you know what it means?” “Yes, sir,” said the child instantly, “ten bob an hour.”

NO CAUSE TO BE AFRAID. She was gazing with the eyes of a hero worshipper at the new M.P. “Were you frightened when you got up to make your very first election speech?” she asked. “What should frighten me?” he asked off-handedly. “The audience, of course,” she continued. “The audience left as soon as my name was announced,” he frankly replied. Mother: Darling, did you put your tongue out to the doctor when he came, as I told you to? Boy: Yes, and I made faces, too. Hayes: So that famous circus juggler and tight-rope walker has gone crazy? Mayes: Yes, he tried to balance the family budget. He: Yes, I’ve hunted all over the world—lndia, Africa, South America —everywhere. She: Really! What had you lost? An angler stopped out until 2 a.m. and didn’t catch a thing until he got home. Wife: This paper advertises buttcnless shirts. What are they like, I wonder? Husband: Just like mine. He: You look like a fool in that new hat. She: Yes, and I’d feel like one in my old one. Guest: Look here, your advertisement stated that this room had a heavenly view. Manager: That’s right, there’s the skylight. LOVE IS LIKE THAT. “How are you getting on with Doris?” asked the young man’s mother. . “We have parted for ever,” said the despondent youth, sadly. “She is never going to write to me any more.” “Are you sure of that?” asked the parent, sympathetically. “Yes,” returned the young man. "She told me so in each of her last four letters.”

ART AND BUSINESS. A well known artist was painting a beautiful thatched farmhouse. Tha farmer was .an interested onlooker. Presently he said: “I say, sir, what are you going to do with that picture of my cottage when you’ve finished it.” “1 shall send it to an exhibition, I expect,” replied the artist. The farmer was silent for a moment then he said: Will many people see it? “Thousands, I hope,” said the artist. “Then,” said the farmer, “would you mind putting on it, ‘To be let during the summer months’?” THE TEST. “Will you love me after we are married?" "Mate and see.” A RISING TEMPERATURE. Things were rather strained between the two sweethearts. “But, George, darling,” she said, “X do love you still. You cannot imagine how warm my love for you is.” George groaned inwardly. “Oh, but I do, all right,” he returned. “I’ve always noticed how my money burns when I’m near you.” z STRANGE. “Yes, Smith ought to talk about my being out a lot. Why, I see him In the night clubs twice as often as he sees me.” WHY HE ASKED. Old Lady: Aren’t you ashamed tn ask for money? Tramp: Well, lady, I got six months last time for taking it without asking. HIS TEXT. The Negro preacher had successfully concealed the fact that he had served a term in prison, but years of upright living had not destroyed his fear of exposure. One Sunday, on rising to begin his sermon, his heart sank on seeing In one of the front pews a former cellmate. Quick thinking was necessary. He fixed his eye on the stranger and delivered himself slowly and impressively: 1 !■■«* “Ah takes mah text dis mo’nin’ from de sixty-fo’ chapter an’ de fol hundre’th verse ob de gospel, which says, ’Dem as sees me an’ knows me, an’ says nothin’, dem will ah sea later.’” 1