MISCELLANEOUS.

Te Aroha News, Volume I, Issue 16, 19 April 1884, Page 3

MISCELLANEOUS.

Mr Grant, of the firm of Grant and Crossan, commission agents, Auckland, whom the provisional directors of the North New Zealand Farmers' Co-operative Association have appointed to float 2,000 shares in the Association, addressed a meeting of the settlers in the public hall, VVairoa South. Mr James Bell occupied the chair. He said that by the rules of the Canterbury and Taranaki Associations no shareholder can hold more than five votes, which is move in keeping with common .sense, and the same rules are to he adopted by the New Zealand Association. He thought the head oth'ce should be in Auckland, the business centre. He had much pleasure in introducing to them Mr Grant, who would more fully inform on the noblest scheme that the Auckland farmers had ever entered upon. Mr Grant then addressed the meeting, explaining the objects of the Association, and at considerable length showed the advantages to be gained by the shareholders from the Association. In reference to the working of similar Associations, he read extracts from the third annual report of the Canterbury Association, Timaru, which showed very encouraging results. A number of questions were put by the meeting to Mr Grant, who gave very satisfactory replies. One question put by Mr Thorpe — " Where is the head office of the Association to be located V" — seemed to be considered by the meeting a very important one. In reply, Mr Grant said that the Chairman hud referred to this question in his opening address, and from his letters of instruction received from the provisional director, that question is to be left to the shareholders to decide. Looking at the question from an economical and business point of view, he would certainly say that the head office ought to be in Auckland, that being the commercial centre of not only the greater part of the North Island, but also of the Polynesian trade. Besides the present rapid system of carrying on business by means of telephone and telegraph, it was absolutely necessary, to make the Association a commercial success, to have the head office located where it would have full advantage of conducting its business as quickly and economically as possible. At the close of the meeting, a good number of shares were taken up. Mr Grant and Mr Bell will canvas the district during the week. Meetings will be held by Mr Grant in the various farming centres north of Mercer during next week, which will be duly notified by advertisement. Milk and Cream. — A smart little laddie was showing a gentleman round his master's farm, and, in expectation of a "tip," was very obliging and willing to give information. Coming; to the byres, the gentleman inquired, " How is it that this cow's three teats are so large and ono so small ?" " Oh," replied the boy, who was never at a loss for an answer, "three are for the milk and the little one for the cream." English snob (at a party in London)— "Ah— it — aw — it must be very unpleasant for you Americans to bo governed by people __ avv — whom you wouldn't ask to dinner. " American belle—" Well, not more so, perhaps, than for you in England to be governed by people who wouldn't ask you to dinner," A youth at school in Haddington who lacked musical talent, and whose voice consequently jarred during the singing lessons, Avas always allowed a holiday on singing days. His mother, failing to divine the cause of her son's forced absence, paid a visit to the school to inquire into the matter. In answer to her query as towhy her son was sent home on such occasions, the teacher said, " Why, simply because he has no ear!" "What!" she exclaimed. " Nae ear ? Did onybody ever hear the like o' that ! Nae ear ? Why, he has a lug like a saucer, man!" A bibulous person was introduced to a lady who had been represented to him as quite a talented artist. He greeted her by saying— "l understand, madam, that you paint. She started, blushed deeply, and, recovering herself after a few seconds, said, with as much solidity of tone and style aa she could command—" Well, if I do paint, I don't make any mistake and put it on my , nose.' 1

A one-legged 'Wehmtnan, named Johes, was pretty successful in bantering an Irish* man, when the latter aSked him. " How did you come to lose your leg?" w Well," said Jones, "on examining my pedigree and looking up my descent, I found that there was some Irish blood in me, and becoming convinced that it had settled in that left leg. I had it cut off at once " "Be the powers," said Pat, "it would have been a better thing had it settled in your head." A son of Hibernia entered a small barber's shop for the purpose of getting his hair cut. When the desired operation was performed, and his hair about to get the final brush, the publicfunctionary asked him if he would have "oil or cream." Paddy, thinking it an innovation in the barber's trade to give refreshments, said, " Well, sor, as I am not swate-mouthed, I'll have a little drop ov the cravthur." A gentleman dining at a hotel whose servants were few and far between despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman, "Are you the lad who took away my plate for this beef?" "Yes, sir." Bless me," resumed the hungry wit, " how you have grown !" Three Epitaphs.— Wandering over Southern Massachusetts, during a brief vacation, last summer, the writer came across several curious epitaphs, which he thinks have never been in print. One day as follows: "Here lyeth the body of H T , Who passed away from this life August 3, 1813, at the age of 65. He was a much loved husband and father and respected neighbor. He died from eating green apples. Go thou and do'likewise. A countryman sowing his ground when two smart fellows riding by, one of them called out, with an insolent air, "Well, my good man; 'tis your' business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour." The rustic replied, " 'Tis v ery like you may, for just now I am sowing hemp." A district visitor was recently inducted into her duties by an old woman after thfc following fashion :— " You are the new dis-, trict visitor, are you ? Do you know what' ' your duty is to me? I will tell you. First ' you sits down, then you reads a very short psalm, then you gives me a shilling, tlieii you may go." Lamb was asked by a bore, " What sort of a crop of turnips do you think we shall have this year?" The wit replied, with imperturbable gravity, "It depends, Ibe lieve, upon boiled legs of mutton." " I'm on the sea ; I'm on the sea," roared a bad singer. " You're not," cried a musical punster in company. " You would be on the C if you sang in tune, but you are on the B flat, confound you !" An Auld Kirk divine was one day walking along one of the streets of the capital of the Orcades, when he met a well-known tinker. " Well, John, can you say the ' Lord's Prayer' yet?" "Och, man," said John, "every man tae his ttfade. Can you mak 1 a tin pail ? " ' A little three-year-old, whose father did not use a razor, was recently, while on a visit to an aunt, greatly intereoted in seeing her uncle shave. After watching him intently for a few minutes, she said, " Uncle, what do you do that for ? Papa don't wash his face with a little broom, and wipe it with a knife." "Do you ever gamble?" she asked, as they sat together, her hand held in his. He replied, " No ; but, if I wanted to do so, now undoubtedly would be my time." " How so ?" " Because I hold a beautiful hand." The engagement is announced. A bookkeeper walking through Charlotte Square, in Edinburgh, the "medical quarter " of the city, and seeing " Dr." on every other house, romarked tha r . it would look a little more regular if there was an occasional "Cr."on the other side of the street. An ingenious individual has hit upon a scheme whereby he expect? to make a fortune. He will advertise largely. "For halfa-crown I will disclose a plan whereby halfpenny postage-stamps can be made to do the work of penny ones." His plan is perfectly simple, and cannot fail. "Use two of them." Many ladies are now cultivating the lute — and the Greek harp ; while the organ has replaced the piano in some salons. Altogether the fickleness and change of fashion are more annoying than gratifying ; it is of late scarcely ever an improvement. Redingotes aro in very great favour, and many polonaises are made in the redingote style, edged with plush or velvet. Redingote robings, open in front, nearly conceal the skirt, and above there is a small vertugadin puff, the back drapery partly conceals this puff and forms two redingote robings towards the back ; these are very full in the centre, where they are guaged to the corsage, An exquisite model in this style is of brown cloth edged with grey marabout ; the skirt is of brown broche, quite plain, and is very little seen from the length of the redingote ; each robing is edged with marabout, and the vertugadin puff and back drapery are gauged to the corsage ; a band of marabout trims the front of the corsage and encircles the neck. " Public" Buildings— Taverns. Water Spouts— Temperance orations. Ponsonby Regatta on Monday. Mr Bryceis suing J. W. Rusden for libelling him in his "History." Mr Isaac Wilson has resigned his seat for Kaiapoi North. A clergyman in England uses ginger ale at the Lord's Supper, Volunteer encampments are now being held at Oamaru, Wellington, and Lake Forsyth, Canterbury. In the libel case against the " Brisbane Courier," the jury yesterday brought in a verdict of " Not Guilty.'' Arrangements are being made to work good coal seams discovered on the Hunua ranges. There are military sports in connection with the Volunteer encampments at Wellington and Oama.ru. The road-making "bobbies" want a canteen at Hikurangi while they are making the Alexandra-Kawhia road. Wahanui protests against the evil. Ie is rumoured that the English Chancellor of the Exchequer intends reducing the value of the half-sovereign, in order to meet the expenses of coinage. The School Commissioners for the various provincial districts are gazetted. Query, Three-Legged $tool ?— Wiggins writes to a friend that his honeymoon is over, and that it's the comb now. Whatever is becoming is honest, and whatever is honest must always be becoming. — Cicero. Peter McGrath, an absconding Wellington publican, is to be prosecuted for felony, if he can be caught. The verb to "nationalise" is likely to have an extended application. It is reported that at Mr Henry George's recent lecture in London that worthy had his watch snatched as he neared the door of the hall. The lecturer was thunderstruck at the liberty taken with his property, and shouted ; "Someone has stolen my watch:" "saiy,". rather, nationalised it," said the voice of a' wag in the crowd.