THE CHESTNUT TREE. THE CHESTNUT TREE.

Sun (Christchurch), Volume III, Issue 884, 9 December 1916, Page 4

THE CHESTNUT TREE.

THE CHESTNUT TREE.

i Buinbridge Colby, the Progressive Meader, -was talking about vacations. |" Everybody took their vacation at home this year on account of the war," lie said. "The vacation stories are just .as boring as ever, though. i "A Progressive bored me the other 'day with descriptions of his vacation in j the Yellowstone. I " 'Before me, Bainhridgo,' he said, 'before me yawned a dreadful precipice i IS,0(10 feet—-' I " 'lloiil on, George,' said I. 'Hold ■on. What- I want to know is this: 'Was the precipice yawning when you got there, or did it begin after your ar- ; rival.'' ' I i Footpad: Hand over your money. Victim: Sorry, my friend, but I'm ! just back from my vacation, and Footpad: Shake, old man! So'm T, or 1 wouldn't be doing this. Mi* Bluuderberby (to her caller): My sister has named her four children, I Miriam, Ruth, David, and Susannah, all i after Bibulous characters. "How is she making out in her chase ■ for a husband .''' ' "I just glanced into the parlour, and I she seems to be upon her last lap." j "I suppose you are now studying to i please your constituents?" "That isn't the main point," replied the mem- ; ber for the district. <' You can 't please everybody. My study just now is to find'out which element of my constituency it is safest to offend." Tutor: Bow ley. what part in grammar is the word egg? Bowley: Noun, sir. Tutor: What is its gender? I Bowley (looking confused.): I don't | know sir. i Tutor: Is it masculine, feminine, or 1 neuter? j Bowlev (brightening): 1 can't say, sir, till 'it's hatched! | It was very late when suddenly a crash in the room overhead startled the lovers in the drawing-room. I " What—wha- what was that, daring?" exclaimed the timid young man, "it was merely father dropping a hint!" replied the maid. Fatran (proudly): Have ye heard thim gurrls iv mine play th' pianny, Jawu? By gorry, but, they do be won Hagan (who lives in the flat below): They are that, Mike—wonders nevei cease! "What steps would you take in de termining the height of a building usintT an aneroid barometer.'" was the question asked upon an examinatioi: paper. One youthful aspirant answered: "I would lower the barometer by f string and measure the string." Little Lester came running to hi: mother one day with a badly scratches hand. As mother was administering 1 healing and sympathy, she asked: "Dearie, how did you hurt you ham so badly?" " Why, mot her,'' replied the little tel low, " 1 cut it on the cat." Irate Business Man: You book agent: make me so angry with your confound " ed nerve and impudence that I canno' - find words to express my feelings. 1 Agent: Then lam the very man yot - want. I am selling dictionaries. ; "Do your constituents ever call yot . to account," inquired the curious ob ? server, "tor failure to lead them 1o - ward high ideals?" I "Not on your life!" responded Con ! gressman Hammfatt. "When I an - called to account by constituents it i: usually for failure to lead, them to flu trough." i "Have you any butter beans?" '' Yes.'' "I want some better butter bean i than the butter beans I got last," "Those butter beans " "Were, bitter beans." she concluded I And the grocer had a busy spell. Murderer: Is this the chap who is ti ' defend me? Judge: Yes; he's your lawyer. • Murderer: If he should die could '. ' have another? Judge: Yes. Murderer: Can 1 see him alone for ; - few minutes? Is lie a good after-dinner speaker? "Splendid! lie never talks more thai r I five minutes, and when he gets throng! • he makes you feel that you could havi t done much better. ! "I 'm afraid vou went to sloop durinj .that learned discourse." said the wo . man with a strong sense of duty. , j "Yes," replied her husband: "whei .lit started 1 was afraid I wouldn't." The youngster home on leave, and ti • whom every moment was precious . pounced down ou his best girl impetu ously. '] "Look here, Betty," he exjdaimed . "this is a bit thick—keeping me wait . ing half-an hour looking like a fool!" ' "Now, Johnnie," replied the, damse coolly, "I know I kept you waiting—but the rest you did yourself. The conductor was up on top takinj ' fares. The omnibus stopped and In i | looted over to see if all was corvee i I before giving the signal for restarting 1 "All right down there?" lie queried "Wait a minute! Wait!" cried i j shrill voire. " Wait till I get, m; i (dot lies on! '' I With one accord passengers crane. their necks expectantly —not to sa; hopefully. j What they saw was a small girl stray gling to hoist: a laundry basket on f ! the step. I lu spiie of the all-conquering attrac I lions of pyjamas (see shop windows am I advertisements) we understand—neve j mind how- -that some women still wea nightdresses of the old-fashioned kind. The heroine of this particular yarn wi reused from her slumbers by Zeppelins A bomb dropped ou the block of flat I where she lived on the fifth floor —an j soon the building was ablaze. She wa : feverishly and rather aimlessly bundlin her jewellery into a liYiidbag when | stalwart fireman burst into her rooi and set about rescuing her in the mot approved manner. "Stop, stop!" she protested. "I'i not dressed!" j The fireman put her flown and looke jat her. lie was a man of resource an lof admirable presence of mind. U J snatched a pair of scissors from ti ! dressing-table and handed them to he "Cut a foot or so out of the neck < that garment," In; said breathless! "and a yard or so all round off theor —skirt, and you'll be as right i rain! "

I "That' man you were talking to is | under suspicion of being an anarchist." "I don't care," replied Miss Cay- , enno. "With organised governments '■ heaving nitro-glyeerine around the earth by the ton, n. little thing like a crank willi a haul grenade doesn't seem worth noticing.'' j "Pride ones before a fall, you know." "Maybe it docs: but it'goes a lot; I quicker after one. ' A New York medical journal thinks it all wrong for people to try to minimize their sleeping hours simply be- : cause Napoleon was suffered to sleep ■ but little. In other words, the editor would impress some tf his readers that they cannot become Napoleons simply j by silt ing up late. j "Did you mail that letter to my sister in Portland..''' "Yes. m'dear." '"She says she didn't get it." "Well, 'you know how it is in war times, (in'love. Somebody must have seized ! the mails. ' A good doctor, whose air was profound, | [Was accustomed with glee to expound I "What a cinch 'twas to be A physician. Said he: "We put all our mistakes under-! ground." '•You are double-faced! " cried the i excited man in the third, row from the 1 platform. i The speaker paused and looked at 1 ' liii'i gravely. "Ah, well," he said reflectively at I last "It is easy to see that the gentleman who has just interrupted me is not, double-faced, or he certainly wouldn't have come with the one hej ! has to-night!'' i Why did she Laugh? , lie explained ir clearly to her: "Wise, | men hesitate, you see; iNone but fools will say they're certain." "Are you sure of that?" said she. "Yes," he answered, "I am certain—certain as can be of that." Then he stood amazed and wondered • just what she was laughing at. The William and the Tile. i A goat stood by the orchard wall— A goat serene and fat; He spied a little distance off Ou the ground a white felt hat, And in a jiffy swalled it whole, And his heart went pit-a-pat. Then joyfully on his hinder limbs lie assumed a buttful pose, Then stood in a gentle reverie, Like a bard in a poppied doze. And wriggled his tail and blinked his eyes, And twisted his purple nose. •| j "Oh, I can the boot, ami the oyster-can, And the old hoop-skirt digest! " Just then he jumped 10 feet off the ground. With a motion of vague unrest. He suddenly learned that the white felt i hat i Was a raging hornets' nest.