THE LETTERS OF LUCIA TO A LONELY SOLDIER.

Sun (Christchurch), Volume III, Issue 872, 25 November 1916, Page 6

THE LETTERS OF LUCIA TO A LONELY SOLDIER.

[Written for THE SUN for tho j benefit of any soldier feeling lonely while on active service.] By the Avon. November -4. j Pear Lonely Soldier, —Really, we do 'miss something by living in the " beastI ly colonies." Here's a girl visiting 'from England telling us all about the i lovely times they have whenever Zepp. j raids' come off. The paragraph, printled in all solemnity by a contemporary, was headed "What To Do When the | Zepps Come." and I expected, therefore, a serious and informative article, something like this "On the apIproath of a Zepp. the correct thing to I do is to make your peace with Pro- ! vidence and put on warm slippers. You I then seek the privacy of the cellar and | keep cool, etc." But instead, this girl ' aforementioned tells us envious colonials i about the delightful time they have | "dashing about the house in Zepp. atjtirc." Neither warm slippers nor the I cellar receive a mention. "We have j such lovely night caps and dressingi gowns, all ready for raids/' Then ! there is an English paper which has j come out boldly with the headline, I "Fashions for Zepp. Nights" over a ! women's column. Now we're out of all that, and the prettiest neglige we can contrive must needs blush unseen, I and naturally that hurts. Such paragraphs, far from cementing the bonds I of Empire and Imperialism, are merely J calculated to sow seeds of dissension ' and envv'amongst the women of the naj tion. I "think the censor might turn his attention to that, instead of playing ! variations upon our letters until they j are mere Chinese puzzles of purple pencil I patches, pronouns, and prepositions, | But, sav, think of the fair damsel who, '. I having "provided all the requisites for a i successful Zepp. appearance, has her j hopes dashed nightly by the non-appear-ance of the creature! At last, in despair, she packs all the paraphernalia ■away, puts out a good sensible wrapper I of no particular beauty, spreads cold j cream over her neglected complexion, pomades her hair well against the mor- ' row's shampoo, and retires to rest look- | ing a fright, only to be aroused half an hour later by the long-expected alarm: "The Zepps!" No wonder the Oer- ' mans are so' unpopular! Sonic one started protesting the other i day about the loud and blood-curdling yelp of the motor-horns which beset this fair city. It is certainly distracting to | have your high and altruistic medita- | tions broken into by a terrific "hoot!" I and to have your nerves torn to shreds j by such sounds. Why cannot chauffeurs I be a little more considerate, and simply I knock people down and drive over them I in a quiet and gentlemanly manner? It j is really time something was done about it. These hirelings must be taught to respect nerves and meditations and things like that, even if they are not troubled with them personally. While on the subject there are a few other things that might well be put on the protest list. Men win wear polka dot ties should be severely banned —I ; suggest a desert island for them with ! eoeoanuts planted in a polka dot | design upon a sandy background. ! (That might, cure them: if so, they

could be repatriated.) And I am fully convinced that the fatuous people who make puns and mother-in-law jokes should be censured—and censored. The people who protract concert programmes well on to midnight by their senseless and indiscriminate encores should be taken out quietly and shot at dawn. I protest strongly against the shopkeeper who slicks a hundred per cent, profit on an article, and adds insult to injury by smiling cheerfully in my face and telling me it has "'gone up." T add my protest to that of .losh Billings against "tight boots and fluky mutton, and peoijc who won't la.fi?," and on my own account I protest against politicians, parties, pinheads, Pharisees, ping-pong, work between meals, and getting up in the morning. Beside this list the shriek of the motor siren becomes elfin music, faint and sweet. A Rose Fete is due for next week, which means that you can have strawberries and cream in the gardens, and listen to the band and feel pleasantly patriotic all at once. There's more to it than that, of course, and all the chink they gather in will go to the ('.!).< "s fund for their Soldiers' Department. This morning the names of men drawn in the ballot for military service were published, and show that the blind goddess of chance has selected her men with a tine impartiality. The butcher, the baker, the canMestick-maker figure along with the parson and the medical practitioner, while the hank clerk and the whitebaiter, like the Walrus and the Carpenter, go hand in hand. By the way, there's some funny little incidents in connection with the list which should not go unrecorded. F'rinstance, a lady rang a newspaper office up this morning, in immense agitat'on, to say that her brother's name appeared in the list, whereas he has been strafing the Huns in France for months, and' is still there! Was in all that hot Somme fighting, if you please, and then to figure in a list of the "called ups !" Much the same thing happened in the early days of the war, when men, busily engaged in doing their bit at Gallipoli were having prosecutions laid against, them in New Zealand for not attending Territorial drill parades. It's very amusing for the onlooker, but the principals quite often fail to see the humour of those little happenings. LUCIA.