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THE CHESTNUT TREE.

' Daughter of Western Fanner: Oh, ' ! George, the harvest hands threaten to ■ leave, and papa is away! ! Young Foreman: Yes, I know. I wired I him this morning for instructions. ■ j Daughter of Western Farmer: What did he answer? Young Foreman: He said: "Hold - hands till I come." Daughter of Western Fanner: Well. I it means an awful lot of spooning, but > I think we can do it, can't we? > At a house party at a nobleman's 1 country houso a guest said to the little . daughter of the host: i "Your oldest brother is at the front, > of course?" ; "Oh, yes; he's got tho Victoria . Cross," she answered. "And your second brother—how about him?" "He's at the front, too. He's been I twice wounded." "And is your youngest brother, the seventeen-year-old Harold, also in the trenches?" She shook her head. "No," she said. "He's minding India.'' Andy Donaldson, a well-known character of Glasgow 7, lay on his deathbeth "I canna' leave ye thus, Nancy," tho old Scotsman wailed. "Ye're ower auld to work, an' ye couldna' live in the workhoose. Gin I dee, ye maun marry anither man, who'll keep ye in comfort in yer auld age." "Nay, nay, Andy," answered the good spouse; "I couldna' marry anither man, fer whit wull I dae wi' twa husbands in heaven?" Andy pondered over this, but suddenly his face brightened. "I ha'e it, Nancy!" he cried. "Ye ken auld John Clemens? He's a kind man, and he's no' a member o' the kirk. He likes ye, Nancy, an' gin ye Ml marry him, 'twill be a' the same in heaven. John's no' a Christian, and lie's no' likely to get there." Friend: I understand that your practice is getting larger. Young Doctor: That's true. Mr patient has gained nearly 101b in the pastfew weeks. | Willis: Do you think that moving pichires are the ultimate development of dramatic art? Gillis; No. There will be one more. On the legitimate stage you can- get along with brains and no beauty; in the movies you can get along with beauty and no brains, and the next stage of development will be one where you can get by without either.. Teacher: Johnnie has spelled "assess" correctly. Now, Tommie, you may define it, Tommie: '' Assess'' is er—'' assess'' is a lady donkey. A very staunch Reehabite, being vastly suspicious when he attended a dinner given by a suburban bowling club, would drink nothing but ginger ale. Into his second or third glass a neighbour secretly added a nip of whisky. The Rechabite drank the ginger ale, dug his neighbour in the ribs, with his first attempt at a wink, and said, "The best brand of ginger ale I've ever tasted, old chap. Must order two dozen bottles in the morning. When little Jimmy fell and injured his knees, and began to cry, his mother told him he ought to be brave like the soldiers. "When the soldiers get hurt they never cry she said. "And they get hurt far worse than you do, Jimmy." "How?" asked the interested but incredulous Jimmy. ! '' Sometimes they lose their legs,'' replied mother. "But how can they walk?" persisted Jimmy, still hard of belief. "They are given wooden legs," said mother. Jimmy turned the statement over in his mind for a few seconds, and then resumed the cross-examination. "But why don't they give them j meat legs?" A little boy in a suburban railway carriage had a cold in the head, and he \ sniffed ami he sniffed until a lady seat-j ed opposite him was compelled to ask j pleadingly: "lTven't you got a handkerchief,! little boy?" ' The little boy paused in his sniffing, and. after a suspicious look at the lady, he replied: " >io; not to lend! " Dasher: How did you enjoy your vacation ? Jerome: Fine; the hotel where I put] up didn't seem like a. strange place at' all. It had all the discomforts of ai home. I know his fortune is equal to mine,' darling, but I have the advantage of him in years. I am only 60, and he is. HO years of age. That is where you lose; you are tool young. Have you the firmness that enables you to go on and do your duty in the face of ingratitude and ungenerous criticism ? I outfit to have. I once cooked for a camping party. j Some one asked Whistler if he was aeouainted with King Edward. He said: "No, 1 have not that plea sure.'' "Put the King savs he knows you." "Oh, well," responded Whistler "you know he's always bragging." A collector of subscriptions for the! brass baud fund once came across a farmer who was noted for his meanness. To ins surprise the farmer at once consent ed to subscribe fully as large a sum as any he had yet received. "Mr Hardfist," ho said, addressing the fanner, "you are surely very fond of music to give so much." ''Ob. yes," said the fanner; "they're grand for scaring the crows from ma' 'taties when they're practising and ' I'm grateful." The witness was a huge man of the navvy type, and counsel eyed him dubiously. I "What we want to get at," he be-, grin, "is who was the aggressor?" I "I'm?" saiil the witness, puzzled. I "Let me illustrate my meaning," said counsel. "Suppose that I should meet you in the street, and strike you in the face, I should be the aggressor." "You'd be a fool!" said the witness. " NTo, no!" said the counsel. "You don't, understand. I was speaking only in the abstract. Suppose we met, and, without provocation, I struck you, I should be committing an act of aggression. '' Tho navvy hunched his huge shoulders. "You'd be committing suicide, mister! '' he said, grimly.

Judge: This man was a stranger to you! Then why did you pick a fight with him? Kelly: All me friends is a way on their vacations! Why did the Rev. Binks leave his J charge? He said his parishioners were guilty of contributory negligence. Teacher: Von have named all domestic animals save one. It has bristly hair, it is grimv, likes dirt, and is fond of mud. Well,' Tom? Tom (shamefacedly): That's me. "I'm going to take my holiday early this year." " What's the idea?" "By the time the linn finds out how easily they can get along without mo the other follows will he taking their holidays, and my job will ho safe until the summer is over anyway.'' "I'm trying to soli that houso 1 bought last year. - 1 thought it would be an easy matter, but, it isn't." "What made you think it would bo easy !'' j "Well, the agent didn't have any trouble selling it to me." "While out West did you ::eo many cowboys?" " Troops of them." "But J thought barbed-wire fences had largely displaced cowboys in tho cattle country," "I wasn't in the cattle country. I was visiting a motion-picture city." First Woman: I got a letter from you I yesterday, and it was dated a whole week ahead. Second Woman: Did you really? My husband must have posted it the very day I gave it to him. Melting Cheer. A friend met a cheerful Irish citizen who had plainly suffered some hard knocks. "Well, Pat, how are you getting aloiifr now?" he enquired. "Oh, Oi'm hard up yet; but Oi have a fine job in Honnolulee, and fare paid. Oi sail to-morry." "Sure, man, you'll never be able to work there. The temperature is 100 in the shade." Pat had endured too much cheerfully to be discouraged. "Well," he replied, hopefully, "Oi'll not be worrukin' in th' shade all the toime." f The Scapegoat. I'm the only one she caught; It was Willie cracked her winders; It was Jimmy stole the vase Off the gate post at her place; Freddie broke' it all to flinders. It was Dick and Bud that fought— It was Sammy Jones that sassed her, There was notnin' I had done; I was aetin' as I ought, But we all began to run— And the rest of 'em ran faster; I'm the only one she caught. I'm the only one she caught'; Wisht I was a faster runner. Now she says she'll make of me An example, so fhat we Won't repeat the harm we done her— Says it's time that we was taught. Guess they'll wish they'd seen me through it, . j 'Cause they know, though I can 't run Quite as fast as p'raps I ought, I can lick 'em, one by one! I bet, next time, they'll see to it It ain't only me that's caught.

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Permanent link to this item

https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/SUNCH19161125.2.32

Bibliographic details

Sun (Christchurch), Volume III, Issue 872, 25 November 1916, Page 4

Word Count
1,446

THE CHESTNUT TREE. Sun (Christchurch), Volume III, Issue 872, 25 November 1916, Page 4

THE CHESTNUT TREE. Sun (Christchurch), Volume III, Issue 872, 25 November 1916, Page 4