A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 1076, 13 September 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Th» Pupil. —A man learns more from ; his wife than from anyone else in this ; < world—unless it be his second wife. Land of the Free. —Only America has an Independence Day on which a per- . son can set arrested for takins a drink. The Same Dislike. —Mother: "I don’t like to shout at you, Harold.” Little Harold: “And I can’t say r that I like it, either, Mummy.” * j ■ The Snub. —“Haven’t I seen jour face somewhere before?” i . “I wouldn’t be surprised; that’s where I usually wear it.” Embracing the Impossible.— Guest : “Gosh I wish I could afford a car like !• this! ” Owner: “So do I.” A Long Acquaintance. — How long have you known that girl?” “I knew her before she shortened her skirts before she lengthened them again.” Their Difference. —Gwendolyn: “On what grounds will you base your suit for divorce?” Guinivere: “Incompatibility. I want a iivorc© and Harold doesn’t.” Postponed. —“ What! A little squib i ■ I» to you a wild animal trainer?” “My small size is the secret of my j success. The lions are waiting for | me to grow' a little larger.” No Academic Privilege. —College Lad ! (arrested for speeding;: “But, your honour, I am a college boy.” Judge: “Ignorance doesn’t excuse i anybody!” J

The Dairyman’s Daughter.—Professor: What are the constituents of quartz? Bright Pupil: Pints! Free of Duty. —“ Did you see much poverty in Europe?” ‘'Yes, indeed. A good deal. In fact, I brought some back with me.” Sunshine. —“ How was your stay at the beach?” “Fine —but the first tan days were the hardest.” Timed.— -Cook: Yes, ma’am, I’m leavin’ in exactly three minutes. Mrs. West: Then put the eggs on to boil and we’ll have them right for once. The Buffer.— “Be careful. Junior. See that you don't hit your fingers with the hammer." “I shan’t mother. Daddy’s going to hold the nail for me!”

The Innocent. —Old Busybody (in train to a lady in same compartment): Have you any family? “Yes sir—one son.” “Indeed. Does he smoke?” “No, he has never touched a cigarette.” “So much the better, madam: tobacco is a poison. Does he belong to a club?” “He has never set foot in one.” “Then I congratulate you. Does he come home late at night?” “Never. He always goes to bed straight after dinner.” “He is a model young man. How old is he?” “Seven months today.”

Beyond All Rivals.— “ Are mine the only lips you ever kissed?” •’Absolutely—and the nicest/’ For Sobriety, Try a Monocle.— Shß was only the optician’s daygfcter—two glares and she made a spectacle of herself. From All Sides.—Maude: I'll give Tom credit for one thing: he gave Susie a beautiful engagement ring. Reggie: Yes, the jeweller told mo that he gave Tom credit for that, too!

The Gee-Gee Is Laughing Last.—Tho true value of horse sense is clearly shown by the fact that the horse was afraid of the automobile during the period in which the pedestrian laughed at it. s s Let Him Go Hungry.—An antitobacco leaflet says a cannibal will nor. eat the meat of a man who has used tobacco. But what of it? Who’s going to go without tobacco just to pamper a cannibal? Give Him an Even Break. —“Titis vase is 2.000 years old. Be very careful in carrying it.” “You can depend on me. professor; 1 11 be as careful of it as if it were new!”

The Precaution.—“My wife takes ex- : | cellent care of me—she takes off my • shoes for me every evening.” ; “When you come in?” “No, when I want to go out!” * * For Efficiency.—Clerk: I can't help being sleepy in the office. My baby is » ! teething and every five minutes wakes S me up. 1 Chief: If that is so you had better t j bring him to the office. » 1 Real Co-operation. —Her Father.— "l ; doubt very much whether you would be ■ able to support my daughter. I can j hardly do it myself.” 1 The Suitor (brightly).—“Let’s pool ! our resources!” s |* 4 » j Man Wants But Little Here Below.— j ‘ls this train ever on time?” growled ! the grouchy passenger. i j “Oh,” replied the conductor, “we l never worry about it being on time. 1 We’re satisfied if it’s on the track.” > • * ** =? Flight. —They were riding along a j beautiful stretch of country highway. : i She was driving, and suddenly espied j repairers climbing the telegraph poles. I “Why, Harry, just look at those men,” she exclaimed. “Do they think I never drove a car before?” * * * He Might Caw. —Mr. Crowe was a. devout churchgoer. The young minister of his church was also devout, but easily embarrassed. Imagine the consternation of Mr. Crowe and the delight of the congregation when the young divine solemnly said at a prayer meeting: “And now. will Brother Pray please crow for us?” Very, Very Modern. —Office Boy (tearfully): “I want the afternoon of?, j sir. if it's convenient. It's my poor ole | grandfather.” j Manager: “But I gave you a day off last year to gn to his funeral.” ) Office Boy: “Yes. but I’m going to try and get in touch with him at a j spiritualist stance this afternoon. I * > ; Elsewhere. — A candidate for election, i addressing his constituency, was suri prised by a voice which, calling from - i the back of the hall, said: “Well, I don't care wot yer says. 1 * guv’nor. I wouldn't vote for you if | you was the Angel Gabriel.” 7 t Quick as lightning came the reply: “If I were the Angel Gabriel you wouldn't be in my constituency.”