A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 750, 24 August 1929, Page 21

A Jest or Two

And Vice Versa. —Gentlemen frequently marry brunettes before they begin preferring: blondes. # * * Pussyfooting. —“ Doesn't lie ever take advice?” • "Occasionally, when nobody is looking.” * * * Wing of a Dodo. —"What does he lik for his breakfast ?” "Anything I haven’t got in the house! ” * * * Free of Duty. —“ Did you see much poverty in Europe?” “Yes., indeed. A good deal. in fact I brought some back with me.” * c * A Blow at Thrift. —Tammas: "Mon. these lower taxi fares will make a serious, deeference tae us. We’ll no be able to save sae jnuch walkin’. ’ Innocent Bystander. —A Chicago woman who shot a burglar modestly disclaims any credit for bravery. She thought it was her husband. * * * Saving Mama’s Muscles. —Mother (indolently): "Willie, you’ve been a naughty boy. Go to the vibrator and give yourself a good shaking.” * * * M iss Peroxide. —Chemistry Professor: “What is the most outstanding contribution that chemistry has given to the world?” Frosh: “Blondes.” Second Nature. —“ Little boy, don't you know what becomes of boys who use such bad language when they play marbles?” “Yes'm, they grow up and play golf.” Crusty Planet. — “ 'Tis a hard worrld,” said Timothy. “It is that!” said Michael, “and 1 think so the more every time I put me pick in it!” * * Big Bertha Tactics. —“VVhat are you standing over there throwing rocks at that little boy for?” “I dassn’t go no closer, ma’am. He’s got the whooping-cough.” * * * Goats and Sheep. —Club-car forward with comfortable lounge for those desiring to smoke. Observation car in the rear for ladies and gentlemen.— Card in a Pullman smoking-room between Los Angeles and San Francisco. * * * Worse Than a Stolen Pig. —Members of a town council in Scotland, who have placed a ban on bagpipe playing, are quite tranquil about enforcement. They figure that if any one starts to violate the law, the pipes will squeal on him. * * * Brainless Bleating. —Synesthesia is a condition wherein one’s senses become confused in the brain, as one hearing certain sounds receives an impression of colour. We suffer that way. When we hear an automobile horn honking persistently, we see red.

Railway'Station Grub. —Great is the power of suggestion. I was reading yesterday about how a woman was awarded damages because she bit a carpet tack enclosed in a pie, and today at dinner as I bit into a piece of pie-crust I thought I had found the carpet. * * * Genuine Antiques. —A certain small restaurant was kept by a man who prided himself on his cooking. He was amazed to hear a young salesman criticise a pie one day. “Pie, young feller? Why, I made pies before you were born.” “O.K. But why sell ’em now?” * * u nion Rules. —They were courtmartialing the soldier for desertion, and the case looked very black until the young officer acting for the defence arose. “Sir,” he said, addressing the President. “I admit appearances are against this man. But I propose to prove that in civic" life he was a plumber—and he was only going back for his bayonet.” “Acquitted.” * * * Fetch the Fire Bucket. —“And the name is to be what?” asked an English rector, as he approached the baptismal font with the baby in his arms. “John Jellicoe Douglas Haig Lloyd George Bonar Law Smithers,” announced the proud father, who had done his duty at home. “Dear me!” said the rector, turning to the sexton. “A little more water. Mr. Jones, if you please, a little more water! ”

Adam’s Ale. —Housewife: “Look at this milk, it’s disgraceful!” Milkman: "What’s the matter with it. mum? It looks as right as rain to • <r « Four Legged Cyclone. —There are 113 ’>eds of roses in Kew Gardens now. An amateur gardener says bitter I \ ;hut they wouldn't be there long :hey’d let his neighbour's dog in. Needed a Tonic. —Judge: “You are accused of beating up an instalment collector and two policemen.” Prisoner: "1 di 1 it in a moment of weakness. Your Honor,” * * * Cal! the Truant Officer. —“ How do you play hookey from correspondence school?” “Oh, I send them an empty envelope.” Keep Off der Grass. —“Pappa. vat is science V’ “My, how could you be so stupid! Science is dose things vat says ‘no smoking.’ ”

Accommodating Phantom. Spirit Medium: “My control will now play the tambourine.” Voice: “Make it the trumpet. Sarah. The darned tambourine’s busted.” Roped and Branded. —A Scotsman called up the doctor in great agitation. “Come at once!” he said. "Ma wee child has swallowed a saxpence!” “How old is it?” asked the doctor. “1894!” replied the canny Scot. ♦ * * Keep Your Shirt On. —“ Have you left anything?” is a sign placed in many American hotels. There; are hotels where a more appropriate question to the departing guest would be “Have you anything left?^’ Cure for Thirst. —The use of barbed wire is suggested to guard the United States border against rum-runners. Then a person could just swallow some of the barbed wire and feel like he’d had a drink the rum-runner's rum. Telescoped Sleuth. —Just by the way. a wife hid herself in a dickey seat the other day to obtain evidence against her spouse. Later, it is related, she unfolded her discoveries in court. Nothing is said—and we admit a great curiosity—as to how she ever unfolded herself.

Wasted no Endearments. —“l want some golf balls for a gentleman, please.” “Certainly, madam. What sort does he like?” “Well, the only time I saw him play he used a small white ball. But 1 can not say I gathered the impression that he exactly liked it.” Listen to This, Girls. —A Nogales. Arizona, minister preached on “Angels and Suspender Buttons” last Sunday. Oh, don’t laugh; the two are closely related. A woman who watches the state of suspender buttons comes about as near being an angel as any woman we know; and she’s almost as rare. * * * The Comforter. —“ What! Ilawkins dead!” exclaimed the chaplain to the warder. “Why didn’t you send for me?” “Well, sir, it was midnight,” replied the officer, “and I didn’t like to disturb you—but I managed it all right myself. “ ‘ ’Awkins/ says I, ‘you’ve been a bad ’un.’ “ ‘Yes,’ says he. “ 4 ’Awkins, you can’t expect to go to Heaven.* “ ‘ No,’ says he. “ ‘Then you must go to the other place.’ “ ‘Yes,* says he. “ ‘And oh, 'Awkins,* says I ‘how thankful you ought to be to have anywhere to go at all.’ And so he died peacefully, sir.”