A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 726, 27 July 1929, Page 21

A Jest or Two

Cookery.—Bride: “There are a lot of mistakes in this cookery book.” Husband: “Yes, I have tasted them.” • * * Sunk Without a Trace.—“So your little boy wasn’t really lost?” “Xo: we found him under the Saturday newspaper.” Materal istic.—Guide: “Here is an equestrian statue of Jeanne d’Arc.” Cyrus K. Bonds: “And is the horse made of the same material?” Credit.—“l’ll give Reggie credit for getting me a nice engagement ring.” “I understand that’s what the jeweller did, too.”

Wasted Effort. —lnto the doctor’s surgery walked the two small boys each wearing rather a nervous expression on his face. “All,” began the doctor, “let me see. Vaccination for you two, isn't it? Left arm, sonnie, please.” A look of extreme dismay stole over the lads’ faces at this. “I knew it, Alf,” one said, turning to his chum. “Just our luck, an’ we’ve both been and washed the right ’uns!”

Rough Play. —-Willie: “May Igo with Tommy Wilks?” Mother: “Tommy Wilks has gone to the seaside with his father. Why not go and play with Jackie Smith?” Willie: “I played with him yesterday, and I don’t expect he’ll be well enough yet.” «r * * Like a Rose. —ln his native tongue no one could have been more graceful than the little Frenchman at the dinner party. But when he essayed compliments in English he was not quite so successful. “Have I changed in the five years since we met in your beloved Paris?” asked an elderly woman, who desired above all to be thought younger, much younger, than she was. “Madam,” replied the little Frenchman, his hand on his heart, “you look like a rose of 20 years.” * * * Tense. —Students may use the following to advantage for their grammar tests: — You see a beautiful girl walking down the street. She’s singular, you are nominative. You walk across to her. changing to verbal, and then it be-

comes dative. If she is not objective, you become plural. You walk home together. Her mother is accusative, and you become imperative. You talk of the future, she changes to the objective, you kiss her, her father becomes present, things are tense, and you become a past participle.

Not So Particular. —Wunkus was Mrs. Uglymugge’s little pet, and when her husband suddenly announced that he would be going abroad, his wife cried: “But, Oswald, what shall we do with little Wunkus? We can’t take him with us.” It was decided that the dog should be taken to the dog’s home until they came back. “The little darling is very fussy about his food,” explained Mrs. TJglymugge later to the dog man. The other said they could doubtless please the dog. “We don’t feed ’em for three days. After that they’re not so fussy.”

Useful Literature.—Mrs. Newlywed “"What would you suggest for our liter- ; ary club to read?” Mr Newlywed: A good cookery | book.” * * * Had to Leave. —Mistress: *T)o you think you will settle down here? You’ve left so many situations.” Maid: “Yes, m’m. But remember I didn t leave any of them voluntarilv! “ * * * A Pictorial Hint. —Wife: “But. dear in this photograph you haven’t a single button on your coa Hubby: “So you’ve noticed it at last r That’s why I hr.d the photograph taken.” Rescuers. —Winnie: “That was a handsome man who rescued you from drowning.” Elsie: “Yes, I was able to make a good choice—about a dozen jumped in after me.” The Pain of It.—The Father (swinging his strap): “This is going to hurt me more than it does you.” Little Leonard: “Well. Bad, as you’ve done nothing wrong, why not let vourself oft?” Safety First.—Jane: “What's the idea of the suitcase —going away?” Brown: “Xo: I heard the church was giving a jumble sale, and I’m taking my best clothes down to the office, until it’s over.” * • * Discretion.—A man who had been asked to make his after-dinner speech as short as possible arose and said: “I am asked to propose the toast of Mr. Dodshon. and I have been told that the less said the better.” * c ■* Not Impressed. —“ls it true, Donald. that ye’ve got married?” “Ay, Jock.” “An’ what kind of a body is ver wife?” “Well, Jock. Ah dinna complain. She’s God’s handiwork; but Ah'm thinking she’s no His masterpiece!” =* * * How He Knew. —A certain motorist was asked how did he know the speed he was going at without a speedometer on his car. His answer was: “When I go ten miles an hour my lamps rattle: when I go fifteen miles an hour my mudguards rattle; at twenty-five miles an hour my bones rattle.”

Kindly Meant. —First Sister (who has received picture postcard from father abroad): “What does your card say, Marie?” Second Sister: “It says—‘This is the mountain from which the ancients used to throw their defective children. Wish you were both here.—Dad.' ” * * * The Original and Only One. —She: “Do you think there ever was a man who could truthfully say to his wife, ‘You are the only woman I have ever loved ?’ ” He: “Only one man I can think of.” Who? You, dear?” ,“Oh. no; Adam.”

1 Joined the IJie Rich.—“ Why such a 1 hurry?” “I have a terrible lot of work to do and nobody to help me.” “What about the little girl you used - to have in the office?” “She is not able to work any more " 3 “How is that?” “She is married now.” “Really? To whom?” To me.”