A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 418, 28 July 1928, Page 20

A JEST OR TWO

Asking Too Much.—Hopeful Bachelor: “I want a pretty and intelligent wife.” Matrimonial Agent: “Impossible, you can only marry one.” * * * Hello.—“ Look at the pretty telephonist at the next table.” “How do you know she is a telephonist?” “I have said ‘Hello!’ twice and got no reply.” The Retort Feline.—The two ladies were at a dance, and one of them commented upon the ability of the other. “Yes,” was the reply, “I feel that my feet will determine my destiny.” “Then,” remarked her companion, sweetly, “you must have a great future, dear!”

More Modernity.—The old-fashioned wife used to ask her husband to button up her back. The modern one asks him to powder it. Probably Door Handles.—Wonder what automobile mechanics wipe their hands on when there are no steering wheels handy? » * * The Total.—Gipsy: “I’ll tell you your fortune, mister.” “How much?” “Half-a-crown.” “Correct.” Meal Ticket.—Jim: “That a wild, wild girl you have, Joe.” Joe: “Well, she was wild. But I’ve got her so tame now she’ll eat right out of my purse.” * * * The Altruist.—“ Why so melancholy, old man?” “Sally Brown rejected me last night.” “Well, brace up. There are others.” “Yes, of course, but somehow I can’t help feeling sorry for the poor girl.”

No Protest From Father.—Anybody could see that Harold had been carefully brought up. One day he sat upon his father’s knee in a crowded tramway-car. A lady entered. “Madame,” said Harold, as he got off his father’s knee, “will you accept my seat?” The Step.—Englishman: “There is no country like England, it is sublime.” Frenchman: “But remember that from the sublime to the ridiculous is only a stone’s throw.” Englishman: “Yes, you can see that at the straits of Lover.”

Money Talks.—A Scot said to his friend, “Eh, Jock! Money talks, ye ken, as the apld sayin’ is.” “Ay; but it niver gi’es itself awa’l” * * * Job for a Chartered Accountant.— “Did you hear the joke about that film actress?” “No—what was it?” “Her secretary did not keep the records straight, and now she finds she lias two more divorces than she has had weddings.”

One-sided. —Dusty: “Aren’t, rosy cheeks a sign of good health?” Rusty: “I should say they arc.” Dusty: “In that case I saw a girl the other day who was a lot healthier on one side than on the other.” * * * ’Ale and ’Earty.—A deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages against a neighbour, was being examined, when the judge suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle the matter. Miss 1928.—The effect of listening to ultra-fashionable parents is shown in the following conversation: Father: “Doris, your mother has told me you have been misbehaving. I shall have to punish you to-night.” Doris (age nine): “Not to-night, father, I snail be too busy with my dancing lessons, but speak to me again to-morrow regarding an appointment.”

Lighthearted, Maybe.— A lady at sea in a gale becomes frightened. “Oh, dear! Oh, dear!” she cried. “We shall all go to the bottom! Mercy! How my head swims.” “Don’t be afraid, madam,” said one of the sailors soothingly. “You can never go to the bottom while your head swims.” One or the Other.—Self-made One: "My man, you should work—work. For ten years I was never in bed after 5. An hour’s work before breakfast, then five hours’ work, then dinner, and four hours’ more work, then ” Loafer (interrupting): “Say, guv’nor, where did yer serve yer time—Portland or Dartmoor?”

Lights! Action! Camera! —Of course you haven’t heard about the poor sap who married a screen star? Well, they separated after a fortnight because she couldn’t love him properly without a director present. * * * Not to his Liking.—A holiday-maker on a Continental holiday went into a restaurant and ordered sausages and steak. “I don’t like these sausages,” he remarked to the waiter. “Yes, sir. They’re horse sausages,” replied the latter. A few minutes later the diner called the waiter again. “Take that away,” he said, pointing to the meat. “I don’t care much about eating harness either.”