.. A JEST OR TWO ..

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 388, 23 June 1928, Page 22

.. A JEST OR TWO ..

One Must Discriminate.—“l think those French are awful; why, I’ve never been to anything like the Folies Bergere, or the Moulin Rouge in this country.” “Were the Comedie Francaise. and the opera, vile, too, grandmother?” “Oh, we didn’t go to those.’* Snappy Come-back. —A chorus girl, deliciously pretty but decidedly lowbrow, somehow found herself at a very select party given by a famous society woman. The girl, lonely and uncomfortable as a fish out of water, was leaning against the wall, framed against the dark oak. when the hostess took pity on her. ‘‘My dear,” she said, kindly “you look just like an old Rembrandt.” “Well,” retorted the damsel, sharply “you don’t look too darned snappy yourself.”

Delsartean Grace.—“ Why on earth couldn’t you jump out of the way of that tractor?” “I’d just come out of a movie where they were showing some of these slow-motion pictures.” * * * Fond Regrets.—Archibald: I live in the country now. It’s terribly dull.” Florence: “It must be. What do you miss most?” “The last train.”^ Black Hand.—Author: “I’m convinced that the publishers have a conspiracy against me.” Friend: “What makes you think so?” Author: “Ten of them have refused the same story.” 34v, ~ - 'ri'ry'fr. - IE S ~

“Payment Would Oblige.”—Departing Holiday-maker (whose bill contains many unexpected extras) : There’s a little oversight here, Mrs. Jones. Landlady: Really, sir? What is it? Departing Holiday-maker: You’ve forgotten to charge me for the stationery this bill’s made out on. Complications,—“How’s old Smith doing in the hospital?” “Fairly well, but I don’t think he will be out as soon as expected.” “How did you find out? Did you see the doctor?” “No. I saw his nurse.”

Nothing Doing.—“ Well, Sam,” asked the avaiator, of a negro who was standing by, “how would you like a trip up among the clouds?” “No, sah,” exclaimed Sam firmly. “I stays on terra firma, and de mo firm a de less terra.”

Presenting Percy.—Percival: That was the most unkindest cut of all, as the poet says. Penelope: What was that? “I showed her one of my boyhood pictures with my father holding me on his knee, and she said, ‘My, who is the ventriloquist?’ ”

In Honour of the Guest.—Teacher on hygiene: Why must we always keep our houses neat and clean? Pupil: Because company may walk in at any moment.

Go-getting Europe.—“ John, now don’t lose your temper!” “Well, I won’t be imposed upon, Mary! Think of that lazy guide telling us it would take all morning to see the Vatican! That little fellow in Paris got us through the Louvre in two hours.”

Running To Time.—Parson (to small boy at Sunday School treat): “Now, Billie, hurry up and finish, to make room for the late-comers.” Billie: “Please, sir, it says ‘Tea from five to six-thirty’; it’s only a quarter to six now!” Thwarted.—The new play was terrible, and, although the critics pointed out that it had a “happy ending,” in the sense that everybody was killed in the last act, the audience went away dissatisfied. They weren’t allowed to do any of the killing. * * * Outdoor Sport.—Mr. Ma,c Aberdeen (arranging with clergyman for his second marriage): “And I should like che ceremony in my yard this time, please.” Clergyman: “Good gracious, why?” Mr. Mac Aberdeen: “So that the fowls can pick up the rice—we wasted any amount last time.”

Groggy Winner.—Two costermongers visted the British museum for the first time, and were looking at a statue of a Roman gladiator. One of the arms was broken off by the shoulder, the left leg ended at the knee, the helmet was battered, and there were several deep scars on the face of the statue. Underneath was a brass plate inscribed “Victory.” The “Pearlies” gazed at the gladiator for a while, and then ’Arry asked: “Wot I want ter know is if this 'ere bloke won, wot dit the cove wot lost look like?”