A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume 1, Issue 86, 2 July 1927, Page 25

A JEST OR TWO

"I have been waiting here for four hours already and if it were net that t was she I should almost be driven t o think that she will disappoint me!” —Journal Amusant , Paris

She: “Heavens, Gustave, leave me the key of the trunk!” —Buen Humorj Madrid

“Fancy, and only two months ago she said that she hated him and wished him all the ill in the world!” “Well, perhaps that is why she married him!” —Journal Amusant, Paris

“| never knew any woman so fond of fresh air as Mrs. Jonsson.” “What makes you think that?” “Every time I go to see her she opens all the windows!” — Kasper , Stockholm

And Not the Last.—“l just heard King Solomon say he is through with women for life.” “That makes the 999th time he has said that. m + + Beats a Woman. —“Papa, what is an echo?” •The only thing that gets the last word with your mother, my son.” Lucky Escape. The Operator: Number engaged—shall I call you?” The Subscriber: “Good Lord, don’t do that —I was only trying to ring up m.v dentist for an appointment!” Expert, Oh Yes!—Mistress: “Does your young man know anything about electricity ?” Maid: “Oh. yes. mum. ’E always disconnects the hells in the kitchen the night ’e comes ’ere.” Perfect Alibi.—“ You seemed to be very discourteous to that lady who just left the store,” said the floorwalker reprovingly. •Oh. that was my wife, sir,” returned the salesman. Between Stanzas. —Editor: “This seems like a pretty good poem, but why do you put in ‘Excelsior’ at the end of every verse?” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: “Oh. that’s just padding!” * * * Boat Race Fever. —Waitress (a strong supporter of Oxford): “’Ere, Winnie, you attend to that feller. Plowed if I’m going to serve ’im with a Cambridge sausage!” * * * Belied Her Looks. —Art Editor: “It’s a nice drawing, but the joke is very old.” Lady Artist: “But I evolved that joke myself!” Art Editor: “Then you look remarkably young for a woman of eighty.” Social Outcast. — "I feel so sorry for you, Elsa, being married to a country manufacturer. In the winter you won’t be able to join with us in the town amusements, and in the summer you can’t go to the country because you are already there.” * * * Something In It. —Jones: “I am beginning to believe in fortune-telling.” Smith: “Why? Something come true?” Jones: “Yes. Yesterday a fortuneteller told me I would have money left me, and to-day I had fourpence left after paying my wife’s dressmaker’s bill.”

PASSING SHOTS “To be successful, a doctor needs tael,” says a writer. And patients. “I’ve knocked about the world a good deal,” said a witness recently. a golfer, evidently. * * # An operatic: star wants to swim the Channel. She is evidently not content with just being a diva. An Irishman has died at the age of 107. It is said that he always kept his opinions to himself. Maybe that what’s wrong with this generation is that too many parents’ slippers are being worn out on dancing floors. A set of instruments for the beginner are now issued with a cheap car. They are known as th£ Tin Commandments. * >:: * Doctors are said not to have much time for reading books. But from force of habit most of them look for the appendix. Italy has introduced an aerial restaurant service between Genoa and Rome. Only expert diners can manipulate asparagus neatly when the machine loops the loop. * * * “If you see a plump man, its safe to say he’s married,” says a critic. Of course. Who ever heard of a fat sprinter? Frocks arc: being designed to express every mood of the wearer. But even the smartest woman can’t spend the entire day changing her clothes. A Paris bridegroom was conveyed to his wedding in a wheelbarrow. Most bridegrooms, however, find it wiser to promise to go quietly, and are thus allowed to walk.

Dangerous.—“ What is the formula A. 5.203?” "1 have it at the' tip of my tongue.” “Then put it out quickly—it’s arsenic.” A Different Tale. —“You are the little Muller girl? I had tea with your mother, once, years ago.” “Yes, she still speaks of it.” “Wliat does she say, then? That I amused everyone at table by my merry tales?” “No, that you had fourteen pieces of cake.”

Old Friends. —An actress was passing a shop where a score of fish lay staring with glassy eyes. “Good gracious,” she said, “that reminds me, I’ve got a matinee to-day.” Heinous Crime. —Doctor: “And if he loses consciousness again, give him a little of that brandy.” Wife of Patient: “While he is unconscious, doctor? Why, he’d never forgive me!” * * * The Victim. —Prison Warder: “You are to leave here to-day.” Prisoner (who has been very comfortable) : “Heavens . . . what have I done wrong?” Smart Lad. —A blacksmith held a white-hot piece of steel between the tongs. A lad, watching him from the doorway, asked, “Is that hot?” “Just touch it,” said the smith, jokingly.

“Give me a penny,” said the lad : and I’ll lick it.”

The smith gave him a penny, and the boy licked the coin, put it in his pocket and made off. Fully Explained. —A coloured agent was summoned before the insurance commissioner. “Don’t you know,” said the commissioner, “that you can’t sell life insurance without a State licence?” “Boss,” said the coloured man. “I knowed I couldn’t sell it, hut I didn’t know the reason.” A Nasty Job. —Wife: “Well, dear, I shall have to do the cooking now. Cook left without warning this afternoon.” Husband: “Not exactly without warning. She told me this morning I bad better bring home some dyspepsia tablets, but I didn’t quite understand what she meant.” Neatly Caught. —‘‘Ah, how charming your little boy is.” “Do you think so?” “And so active. Wasn’t it he who war. playing with his hoop on the “Yes.” “Ten shillings, please. It’s forbidden Vo go on the grass. I am the parkkeeper.” High Finance. —Irritated Father: The idea of your overdrawing your bank account; I never heard of such a thing! Daughter: Oh, it’s all right, daddy; I sent them a check to cover the amount I overdrew. Laugh That Off. —Freddie, a sophomore, roomed with Bernard, a seriousminded senior. One evening Freddie was in need of money. “Loan me five dollars, will you, Bernie?” “No!” “I was only fooling,” laughed Freddie, trying to pass it off. Bernard looked solemnly at him. “I wasn’t.”

Took Her Chance. —He: Here’s the minister; shall I ask him to join us? She: Oh, Mr. Brown —Henry—this is so sudden! * * * The Difference. —l9l7 Husband: You have been using my comb; it’s full of long hairs. 1927 Wife: You have been using my comb; it’s full of long hairs. Nasty. —Nelle: He took his medicine like a. man. Belle: Oh, he made a terrible fuss, did he? Marathon.—"l thought the bride looked a little tired.” “Why not? — look how long she’s been running after that bird.”

A 1927 Child. —Daughter: I want you to come and see my husband tonight. Father (astonished): Are you married? Daughter: Don’t you read the papers?

Advance. —The new edition of “What Every Young Girl Ought to Know” lias been renamed, we understand, “What Every Young Girl Knows by This Time.”

Nice Work, Sis. —Breakum: How’d the party come off? Bustum: A perfect success, m’dear: Ambrose paid his last threepence to the taxi-driver. * * Crooked Tricks. —“All’ll admit, judge, yo’ honor, that Ah committed salt an’ battery on de man at dis poker game, but Ah caught him cheatin', judge—he wasn’t playin’ the hand Ah dealt him.”

The Complete Cook. — “l thought I saw you and your husband in the Prunella Restaurant last night, Mrs. Abadab.” “We were there: I hid the canopener. so he had to take me out to dinner.”

Advice. —lt was in one of our less sedate clubs that a member inadvertently slipped into a state of intoxication the other afternoon and. in his bewilderment, sought one of his fellows.

“Charles,” he said, “it’s four o’clock and I’m tight. What shall I do?” “If ][ were you, old man,” was the sympathetic reply, “I’d call a cab and go home.”

The unsteady one gathered his dignity.

“Sir,” he said, “when I want your advice I’ll for it.”

Singular. —Professor in German class: What is a compound-relative? Student: Twins! How Interesting! —“Ob, have you heard? —Mrs. Blount died to-day while trying on a new dress.” “How sad! What was it trimmed with?” Snobs and Such. —First Typist: Our family is awfully exclusive; is yours? Second Ditto: No, indeed; we haven’t anything to be ashamed of. Comparative. —Diner: I say, waiter, the portions were much bigger last year. Waiter; That’s an optical illusion on your part, sir: now that the restaurant has been enlarged they just appear smaller. In the Gloaming. —Father: What do you mean, young man, by turning out the hall light when you bid my daughter good-night? Lover: Why, you see darken my door again. The Tourist. —Mistress: From your references I see you’ve had four places in the last month. Servant: Yes, mum: that shows how much in demand I Sounds Pretty Good. —He (in proposal) : I have enough to live on at the rate of £I,OOO a year. She: Yes. but for how long? He: Well, for about a month. All the Good Things. —Guest: Your dinners are always so successful, Mrs. de Smythe; how do you select your menus? Hostess: Tiie doctor has given me a list of things I mustn’t eat, and I choose the dishes from that.

How to be Popular. — “l learned to dance in one evening.” “I thought so!” Irritating. —“ Too bad about Pompeii, isn’t it They say he died of an eruption.” * * * On Ice. —Hubby: Are you sure the tickets are all right? Wife: Sure, they are. Didn’t I put them in the safe just before we started? Tactful. —He: I made an awful mistake just now. I told a man I thought the host must be a stingy old blighter, and it happened to be the host that I spoke to. She: Oh, you mean my husband. Worse and W rse. —Bill: Jack’s getting terribly absent-minded. Just the other day he kissed a woman by mistake. Pill: Thought it was his wife, eh? Bill: No, it was his wife. He Just Passed. —Art: I’d like you to paint a portrait of my late uncle. Artist: Bring him in. Art: I said my late uncle. Artist: Bring him in when he gets here then. New Jay-Walker. —“Yesterday I saw a fellow walking a tight wire from one office building to another.” "Well,, that \s about the only safe and quick way to cross the street to-day!”

COMBAT The opponents glared fiercely at each other. The burly man, by the very ferocity of his scowl, expected to put to flight the smaller man, but the smaller man, incensed at what he considered, an infringement of his rights, steadfastly stood his ground. After staring incredulously at his small opponent, the burly man ripped out a characteristic imprecation, and slowly divested himself of his enveloping overcoat to a running accompaniment of an indiscriminate invective. The little man, quite annoyed by this preparatory show of violence, still retained his position. The burly man raised his arms as if in attack, but his small opponent seemed not one bit alarmed, instead he put out his hand, tentatively. The burly man gazed with fascinated eyes at the out-stretched palm. and gave yet another exhibition of an unrestrained vocabulary. His arms thrashed the air, but the little man merely smiled tolerantly. Regaining his composure, the hefty

opponent heaved his huge bulk out of a thick and woolly jacket. He did it deliberately, maddeningly, menacingly, thinking that now his insignificant opponent really would take a hurried flight, but he underestimated the courage of his adversary. The little man stood firm.

Came a fresh torrent of abuse, and then the burly taxi-man, marvelling at the little man’s pertinacity, rummaged leisurely in his myriad pockets, and muttered, “ ’Ere y’are, guv’nor, ’ere's 3 _ er change.” The dispute was over! ! L.T43. in the Passing Show.

“He is so mean! I took him his lost purse containing 200 marks and he only gave me 10 as reward!" have given you 20!” —Prager Prcssc, Prague

Mr. Carlsson went to buy a collarstud . . and this is how he left the shop. — Sandgsnissc-Strx, Stockholm

“ ! have no luck with women. Tht ugh at me because I am so shy/’ “Why are you so shy?” “ Because they laugh at me.” —Fliegende Blaetter, Berlin

“Do you think it is unlucky to marry on a Friday?” “Certainly. Why should Friday be an exception?” — Faun, Vienna