A FALSE START

Southland Times, Issue 20771, 11 May 1929, Page 8

A FALSE START

MAY FAIR PARLIAMENT PIN-PRICKERS’ CANDIDATE HECKLED BEER BOWSERS PROMISED By far the most exciting and interesting meeting in the May Fair Parliament cam-j i paign was that held by the Pin-Prickers’ j Party- candidate (Mr. Ignatius Mac Pier- ■ soles)in Sylvan Bank ward last evening. : The meeting was held in the telephone box ; at the corner of Mary and Yarrow streets, i but so great was the response from selectors ; that an overflow meeting was necessary, i This was held in the tram shelter adjoining. ; In a few well-chosen words the chairman (Mr. Merryditch) briefly introduced the; candidate and in so saying eaid: “Ladies j and gentleman, it gives me the greatest ■ pleasure to introduce to you Mr. Ignatius , Mac Piersoles who will contest the May I Fair election in the interests of the Pin- I Prickers’ Party. As you all arc aware 1 this party is out to help the working man ■ (Hear, hear), and if you see fit to elect | Mr. Piersoles as member to represent your I district, no one will be more pleased than i he. He does not want the job. He. needs it, and if you fail in your duty on May 16, then another will be added to the unemployed list. From what I have already told you, you will surely agree with me that Mr. Piersoles is the man we want. Look at him—he has the physique, appearance and everything else required of a capable M.P. This is confidential, but as I know that everyone of the three of you here are some of ue, I will tell you a few of the benefits that will be made possible should you put your member in.” Those present huddled closer as Mr. Merryditch proceeded to outline (sotto voce) some of the perks procurable provided Piersoles, polled properly. “In the first place,” proceeded Mr. Merryditch, “take the estuary.” “Where?” asked the second person on the left. . , “No interruptions, please,” continued the chairman. “As I tvas about to so say, if we could drain the estuary, look at the valuable land that could be reclaimed, and on it we could build one of the most up-to-date seagull farms in the world. Ihe seagulls are already ” An interjector (sniping from the ventilator) : “What do we want a seagull farm for?” “To make Mother Seigel’s syrup, of course,” came the reply. “There are vast possibilites here and directly we can kid Campbell's Council to adopt the gravitation scheme of water supply and contract to buy the estuary waters we are going to set about getting the patent rights, so that the birds will be prohibited from laying anywhere else than on the farm. Look at the employment that will mean. We will need hundreds of shoers ■” “What for?” “To shoo the birds off the nests, of course.” And then, before the chairman could call order, the late-comer fired with machinegun rapidity, the following questions: “Are you in favour of beer bowsers?” “Do you believe in ghosts?” “If elected, will you endeavour to establish an aerial tramway tube from Bluff to Stewart Island?” “Do you favour the publication of winners and dividends the morning the races are run?” “Would you support a Bill to strangle itinerant programme sellers (those that bawl incessantly on street corners) ?” “Do you advocate the introduction of electrical exchange girls?” Poor Mr. Piersoles did not get a chance to give his answers. Simultaneous with the switching off of all street lights at midnight Monowai went on strike and the tie-phone-box light faded into the darkness. Pandemonium broke loose and in the general scurry for the exit many were trampled on, but no one was hurt. Both the ambulance and the Fire Brigade were summoned. They came but the mess had already been cleaned up so they returned. It was well after mid-night this morning when Mr. Piersoles, looking the worse for wear, called at the Times Office and told a reporter that in case the electors did not understand him last evening, what he meant to say was that he was in favour of the establishment of beer bowsers; that only patrons of night clubs saw ghosts; that the suggested aerial tramway would not be necessary now that the Theresa Ward had been recommissioned; that he favoured the publication of winners and dividends', before, not after; that he certainly would strangle yellers; that some reform was necessary in the way of speedy exchange officers; and finally, that country players should not be permitted to play in the town. GROWING WARMER. DAYS OF JOLLITY. May Fair's four wonderful days were made to feel very much nearer yesterday. The great improvement in the weather, the commencement of the street decorations and lighting, the music from the merry-go-rounds and the gay adornments in shop windows all quickened the interest in the ; coming days of jollity. Scenes that have never previously been • witnessed south of Cook Strait will take , place on Thursday evening when the Honourable Parliament of May Fair will assemble in all its glory. This Parliament > will carry out the wishes of the people in a manner which has never been before ■ even attempted. Joyous days will reign ’ in Invercargill under the aegis of this august body. The tableau that will be pre--1 sented as Parliament assembles will live for ever in the minds of the twenty thousand electors who witness it. Yesterday Sir Joseph Ward telegraphed ’ the chairman of the May Fair Committee: ‘ “I am glad to inform you that I am now ’ advised by the Postmaster-General that arrangements have been made for the work > of illuminating the Chief Post Office build- ‘ in? at Invercargill on the occasion of the 5 local May Fair Week to be carried out.”

“Many fond mothers especially desire the pleasure of your company at the Baby Show in Victoria Hall on Friday, May 17,” was the telegram Mr W. Stevenson sent to the Prime Minister and yesterday Sir Joseph Ward replied: “I shall be glad to arrange to stay in Invercargill over Friday as desired and will leave Invercargill on my return journey to Wellington by the through train on Saturday morning.” Sir Joseph Ward will arrive in Invercargill by the express on Tuesday evening and will leave on Saturday morning. Acceptances for the monster axemen’s carnival close to-night with Mr T. O’Byrne. On Saturday the Dunedin invasion takes place. The special train leaves Dunedin at 9.37 a.m., reaches Milton at 10.41, Balclutha 11.14, Clinton 11.54 a.m. and Invercargill 1.47 p.m. On the return journey the train leaves Invercargill at 11.30 p.m., reaches Clinton at 1.15 a.m. and stays ten minutes so that passengers may partake of refreshments. The remaining, stops and times of departure are —Waiwera 1.35 a.m., Balchitha 2.5 a.m., Stirling 2.12 a.m., Milton 2.41 a.m.; Moseiel 3.21. Caversham 3.39 a.m. and Dunedin 3.44 a.m.