Shaun’s Patch

Southland Times, Issue 20771, 11 May 1929, Page 13

Shaun’s Patch

“A LITTLE NONSENSE NOW AND THEN" —“ Hudibras."

BETTING. . On three kings .... gambling. , On peas in a bottle .. . charity. On the price of sheep . . business. The heirs of many a man who had a will of his own wish he’d used a lawyer. * * « $ THOSE WIDOWS. ■ When the wife of the poor theatre doorkeeper heard he was dead she murmured: “No pass out cheek.” THE DIAGNOSIS. He was a Scot And he was very ill, The doctors couldn’t Get the cause until They heard the fact That some days previously When walking near Waipapa By the sea, He overlooked a lump Which, later found, was ambergris And fainted whispered soft: ‘There’s ignorance that is not bliss.” •» * * * AN ULTERIOR MOAN. I am aggrieved, I weep and cannot laugh Because this week I lost my favourite scarf. * ‘ * * They’ll have peace in China when they get rid of the pieces in China. OLD LETTERS. On the site of ancient Babylon love letters engraved have been found—Cable item. When by love I am inspired To put my fountain pen to' paper, I don’t recall I’m not the first Man to indulge in that fond caper. With brain afire I spill my words, The love-force is enough to speed ’em; But do I ever pause to think What scoffing eye some day may read ’em ? , . Breach of promise? But a part A risk attending love-lorn writers; There’s letter publishers who arc At best but literary back-biters. Just pause upon the awful fate Which some old swain has overtaken, His tender missives, brick on brick, Rude modern laughter will awaken. One wonders if in Babylon He was numbered with the fretters— For now he knows his lady fair Did not destroy his ardent letters. P’raps on some distant plane he sits With hand a hot brow smartly smiting. And as the laughter rises swears Because he put his thoughts in writing. UNNATURAL HISTORY. The Whale. I have always regarded the whale As fit for respect and to prize As a fellow of sense and to hail As a chap who’s a whale of a size. But though he is fleshy and fat, Though he cuts quite a swathe on the main I am told that beneath his whale hat He holds but a featherweight brain. With commercialism so rife How foolish he is and how dense For he might live a millionaire’s life If equipped with proportionate sense. Some men in a cockle-shell boat, A harpoon and fathoms of rope Can make him the awfuilest goat And render him down into soap.

I read every now and anon Of the fellows who easily reach Mod’rate fortunes by seizing upon Some ambergris cast on the beach Just think, and the whiles keeping cool, He has stuff that will bring him good pay, But though big he's a terrible fool For Jie just throws this rich stuff away. EDUCATIONAL AIDS. Give a sentence with the word “fender” in it. Y’ou may be rude but you cannot a fender. * * * » THE DAUGHTERS. She was only the golf coach's daughter but she could make a good tea. * * * * POINT VENUS JIGGLE. A Very Modern Novel. What has gone before. Michael Brewster rose early. Chapter I.—• the approach of an end.” Michael Brewster paused. He had risen early from his bed and now he could not remember why. He tried to think, but his mind was a blank. He thought. Having failed to find any solution, Michael Brewster returned to bed. (The End)

ADVICE TO A NATION. China really puzzles me a lot. For years she’s been so stagnant and depressed, And now continues going clean to pot Because she takes the wrong thing from the West. She’s bought the guns and done a lot of fighting, Flown aeroplanes, and built a navy, too, But these are just the poor old country blighting—• Not one of them can pull old China through. No, what she needs to do is wake from sleeping, Take of the Western culture all that’s best; And soon the benefits she will be reaping— And soon she’ll put the bandit boys to rest. China must be busy, early rising Step out and si art up making quite a noise. She must put pep into her advertising And taste in full the best of Western joys. She must have party politics, and then Much Yankee hustle, slogans, energy, And only put her faith in those picked men Who know the latest songs of Rotary, Films and jazz and booze, electric trams Chautauqua and an awful crime a day, More boasting, and a shoal of hollow shams— And soon she’ll be as great as U.S.A. THUMBNAIL ESSAYS. Jokes. Jokes are the wisdom of fools, or the foolishness of wisdom, and they are usually old. When a joke arrives in town it is received with gaffaws and after a busy stay, using telephones and the clubs to make as many acquaintances as possible, it departs leaving behind a few said men who again realize that old jokes never die. Jokes are the old soldiers of literature. And what is the oldest joke? The mother-in-law joke, which goes back to Eden, where Lilith played her part in the comedy. Lilith Is the starting point of the mother-in-law joke and she was a wise woman. No joke is permitted to consider itself acceptable until it has been in three comic papers, and has served in at least two comedies. The Sturdiest and most experienced jokes are those which rise to pantomimes and remain in them for several successive years. Jokes sometimes stray into the humorous columns of newspapers, and there is a legend that once , upon a time a joke was found in Shaun’s Patch, but I hope that will not prevent you reading it occasionally—there might never be another slip of that sort. Remember the Law of Averages, which is that the captain should not be a bowler. Jokes are divided into two classes: (1) the unprintable; (2) the printable, or parlour class. The first are the best and one of the most convincing proofs of women's emancipation is her admission to the No. 1 class. Jokes are also guffaws or sniggers, but there are very good ones . under both headings. The guffaw should not be used in mixed company, because some woman will want to know what it is.’ She will find out, of course, if she is in earnest, because she will have a husband or her best friend will have one. Jokes know seasons, but not Time. There are new jokes, but their newness usually results in their being passed by as pointless story. Two or three seasons are necessary to bring a joke to maturity—but in Scotland the period is more than twice as long. LETTER SUMS. The letters in this long division sum represent figures and if they are ranged from naught to nine they will give a word connected •with drawing. CRAG )PARAGRAPH( GENONR PNAG . NIIEG NNGS . GAGR GSEG . ANCA RASS . RCAP GSEG CCGNH CSSGS . COPH The answer to last week’s sum is GRAMINEOUS. ♦ * » * CRYPTOGRAMS. Two more statements in cipher for your ittcntion. The first gives the attitude of 'lipporters of a football team, and there are i lot of “Fs” in it. LNI LFFWAMHII LMTK LNNH KFVN •UNV WRN KYFVN IRNT WRNQV .MUFVQWNK IGT. The second message quotes very wellmown lines of poetrv: ) RSKCM FI PJOXRH KU O WJH ILE JQJE <SU BLQJBKCJUU WCZEJOUJU KR GKBB CJQJE OAJ KCR.L CLRSKCM ?he answers to last week’s cryptograms are: (a) All that glitters is not gold (b) Hi-diddlo-diddle The cat and the fiddle.