Shaun's Patch

Southland Times, Issue 20538, 14 July 1928, Page 1 (Supplement)

Shaun's Patch

“A LITTLE NONSENSE NOW AND THEN” —“ Hudibras.”

Inspector Bird seems to be disturbing the still fife of the province. * * * * I wonder what would happen if an eavesdropper were employed to fix the eaves of a house. * * * * This one from the Old Country is worth distribution : There was a young lady of Ryde And of eating green apples she died. Inside the lamented The apples fermented And made cider inside her inside. * * * ♦ These aeroplane and airship men make one think that an entirely new idea of pole vaulting is abroad. I suppose it is advisable to have weak gin for a weak chin. * # * * Melba says that when singing we should clench something tightly in our hands. This is good, but it plays havoc with the soap. I understand that several people who made a trip to Stewart Island on a recent choppy day are earnestly seeking the whereabouts of the fellow who murmured at one stage looking at the other passengers: “They simply can’t contain themselves.” * * * * THE WORST TONSIL. The tonsil of the Consul Was feeling very sore, The Consul touched the tonsil And eloquently swore, While the staff a frightened look of apprehension wore. The Consul was a mighty man And, through convention smashin’, He roared as only lion’s can With riled appendage lashin,; He was as powerful as any Bull come out of Bashan. A mortal to the portal Of the Consulate appeared. ’Twas easy seen the mortal A warm reception feared For he heard the Consul’s counsel as the Consulate he neared. Though right and law were on his side, And likewise the convention, Though he had powers very wide— Too wide to merit mention— He feared the Consul’s tonsil would result in some dissention. When of the swelling telling, The Consul with a curse Declared there was no swelling In this reddened universe One half as bad, in fact than all sick tonsils his was worse. Do not be tardy to believe This vainful delcaration. ’Tis true, and though I sorely grieve I show in affirmation That it was bad enough to bring grim death unto a nation. Quite fearful, almost tearful, The quaking delegate Went in; a roaring fearful Disturbed the Consulate When the tonsil and the Consul bellowed out: “You’ve made me wait.” All attempts the man could make To concoct apologies Were met with eloquence ashake With new theologies And of Blue Books the very best of all anthologies. For the tonsil of the Consul Was feeling very sore, And that impatient tonsil To pieces treaties tore, So that two friendly nations went and held an awful war. Now show me in all history, Indited or inditing, On land, or lake, or open sea, To equal this I’m skiting: . A tonsil that all by itself could set two countries fighting. DOUBLE ACROSTIC XIV. The first a quadruped loved by the cat Though loved by women far more than a rat; The second snares and slanging calls my gear; And with the first will fill the first with fear. (1) Curtail a creature very fond of wool And read the witty saying of no fool. (2) Very useful if you are afloat, Although with two you cannot scull a boat. (3) Add A to us and surely we will try To make the world believe that we are dry. x (4) Through removing from a bottro \d You’ll find what you’re with look and listen bid. (5) A riser behead and you’ll look to the dawn, With a sound like a beverage, leave it forlorn. LAST WEEK’S ACROSTIC. JUST I C e LU n A Lo v E I S Urae m i A So a R

When I gaze on some of the youths who are rushed by the flappers of the burg, I realise, their popularity is due to their sox appeal. MEOWS'. Oh, yes, my dear, her dress is becoming becoming, but some of it is rather late. FAMOUS X’S. champions marks the spot. peris. perience. Ray. Madame ellency. it. His Mark. MINE OWN PEPYS. SATURDAY, July 7.—Up betimes this day my nose being tweaked by my daughter who would know if it be true that two and two makelh four as the text book of her academy proclaimeth. To rise and in my bath to follow the advice of those who urge the reading of books therein, but this being a modern novel 1 do suddenly find myself perboiled and therefore constrained to leap wildly forth alighting with more definiteness than grace upon the mat, the which did move. Later Mrs Shaun to declare she hath noted a phenomenon in that though there be no cloud in the sky a mighty peal of thunder was heard and the trembling as of an earthquake, but none else to report it. She also to remark that at table I do sit restlessly, but to keep mine own counsel in this matter, the impress of which I shall keep while I do live. MONDAY, July 9.—This day the king’s postman to bring me divers letters writ by Scots who would have me to elucidate a quip wherein 1 did say the Scot was the best laugher, they being at loss to know how this do be proven. Thereupon to write these fellows informing them, with a diagram to make my meaning clearer, there be a proverb which sayeth, Who laughs last laughs best. In the evening a solicitor to visit me and he left alone in mine office for a few moments. On my return he found in a prayerful attitude picking up stamps, and this to show he hath been searching for tobacco and did open a tin wherein I do keep stamps won from my correspondence for the Barnardo Homes. This Pandora’s Box to reveal how dangerous it is to leave good tobacco unguarded. TUESDAY, July 10.—To the city but in illhumour in that I do be in the throes of indigestion and such pain as never was so my friends to acquaint me with remedies of such divers shapes and ingredients that 1 am bewildered and like to faint on the spot. One to declare it were well to avoid all acids and another that acidy fruits taken assiduously will of a certainty cure mine ill, while yet another in hollow tones warns me from her own exjierience there do be no cure. On my seeking the advice of Mrs Shaun and relating to her my symptoms she to declare all I do need is physical exercise and my garden or the woodheap to provide ample opportunity. This not to raise mine opinion of her medical skill, but on this matter to keep my silence. WEDNESDAY, July 11.—This day to come with eager tread one who hath the latest narrative from Home concerning the strange nation. It to appear there was a doctor and a dentist in Aberdeen and each desired to know the age of the other, but without avail. The dentist died and the doctor went to the funeral to learn the age of his friend from the name plate on the coffin. As ’twas lowered in the grave he stepped forward, but was disappointed because they had used the brass plate from his business premises. To resolve I will retail this to the Chief on our first meeting and he not yet aware of it. THURSDAY, JULY 12.—Risen betimes, 1 to the city where word is abroad concerning deep laid plots, the which will so disturb our publick life as to never was known before in these our days. The manner of this so closely guarded that the Southland League will discuss it, but behind locked doors. This mighty strange in that these matters being of publick concern do not fit well with secret methods and the outcome thereof to be of dubious value save as preparation for the hustings. FRIDAY, JULY 13.—Up betimes to take up the daily dozen, inasmuch as the rain hath made gardening of no value, for the which I am truly grateful, but to find a lack of thrill in these gyrations and perambulating with arms swinging and joints acreak, though my family, with less respect than I would wish in mine own household, to urge me forward and at the door by a counting of the thumps to keep a tally on the quantity I perform, so that escape is beyond my compass. Then to the city feeling much better and resolved I will inveigle as many as maybe into this practice that the whole district will be shackled to the chariot wheels even as I. With this resolve to bring to a close my writings for this week and for that belief much thanks.