SHAUN'S PATCH

Southland Times, Issue 19924, 17 July 1926, Page 13 (Supplement)

SHAUN'S PATCH

The easiest weeds to eradicate: Widow’s. * • • • Short Pants: A sign of youth. Short Pants: A sign of age. During the week I read this statement : At the annual meeting of the New Zealand Breweries, Ltd., the gross profit for the wear was stated at £603,429 less £493,899 beer duty. A dividend of 10 per cent, was declared and £50,000 was placed to reserve, making the total £125,000, and £21,466 was carried forward. The profit for the “wear” and tear is singularly appropriate. • • • • Even when Prohibition is carried an illicit still is illicit still. « « • • The chief thing about a cricket Test ia the test of the public’s patience. « » ® • If anyone had brought the serial rights of the Financial Statement debate he would have shown a deficit. • * • • Coue is dead. Coo-ee Coue. If the owners of the illicit still get caught by the Byrd they will finish up before the Beak—that’s perfectly obvious. • • • ♦ Optimism: A Life Insurance Company starting business in Russia. MINE OWN PEPYS. SATURDAY, JULY 10.—Up betimes but in mighty dismal mood in that on the advice of divers friends I to undertake to cure my ailments by the abstaining • from food and smoking. In rash moment to commit myself to this task before my family and thereby compelled to stand to my oath lest I do lose the respect of my house. And this a business of aggravation such as to make me wonder whether it be not better in all things to suffer the ill rather than the cure. The thing made worse by the persistence of my friends who do offer me provender of which I am fond and to press on me many cigarettes and the business of refusing such as to harrow my temper, but Mrs Shaun to insist at intervals that the cheerful liver do be better than one with a liver, and such quips, the wit of which I do fail to see. In the afternoon to the Rugby Park as is my wont and there to see such terrible football as never before hath been seen in the English language, with much hurrying to and fro and a vast display of energy to poor purpose. Pondering on these things to groan lest there be disasters when the Southland team doth meet our enemies in the field. At night to a rout whereat there do be much dancing and more people to press smoking material on me and to smoke nearby so I am vastly de- , pressed, so that I do there resolve I will in the future have no truck with those who do say fasting may cure all troubles. And so to bed with an emptyness in me such as I have never before known. Evil dreams to keep me disturbed. In one that I do make a feast of fried cigars and dance with a female who doth weigh thirty-five stone and chattereth the while of roast duck and trifles light as air, the which doth convince me that dreams do not arise from summers.

MONDAY, JULY 12.—Up early in that this day hath been reserved for the breaking of my fast and such meals prepared for the marking of this day as do fill me with a great joy. My daughter to appear saying I vastly resemble a picture she hath in her picture book and on my viewing the tome to discover it to be a fatted pig. To chide her that she show more respect for her father and she to declare in these times the female of the species to be worthier than the male and respect may not be at order. To the city and there Io discover from a fellow townsman that the reason for the evil football do be found. The manner of it to be that on the stand did sit a damsel attired as to the latest fashion in abbreviated skirts and this to act as a magnet, on all players and referees so that they do not keep their eye on the ball. In this wise is explained that the Star do defeat Southern by nine points only and that the backs of the blue and white were not interested in the game bn the No. 1 ground. A strange business and one which strangely did give rise to no discussion at the meeting of the Rugby Union though it. hath in its charge all mattery influencing the game. TUESDAY, JULY 13.—This day to learn there hath been a baiting in the Rugby Union of a success not previously known in history. To arise from a question of iccompts from tickets and a mighty one informed he hath been short of a sum. He to insist this may not be so and grave faces to perturb him so that he to walk the streets till of a twitter until one to approach him with news that a roll of tickets hath been found and his name for ever cleared of doubts. He much relieved and in his rejoicing to make gifts of smoking things to his friends and none

to know that this hath been arranged beforehand and he the victim of the plot. Much written anent the cricket tests and so that I do wonder if the House of Commons may be moved to enact that the hours may be lengthened and the pay reduced. To consider also whether there will be excitement until the clashing of the playing men in the finale of the tourney. A strange business and one which doth show the race may be brought to such a pitch of excitement on the game that men in the Athenaeum Club to speak to each other. WEDNESDAY, JULY 14.—Up this day at the behest of my daughter who doth enter with a fearsome clatter such as my grand aunt did make on the morning of her spring cleaning when the pot cupboard did insist on falling upon her. Rising to learn she, my daughter and not mine aunt, hath with her a bright new saw shining like unto those pots of her, mine aunt and not my daughter. Inquiring for the meaning of tins thing to learn from my spouse she hath noted my suffering in the fast and reading that the Kaiser hath found the saw efficacious, she did procure this one and a pile of wood for my cure. To tell the woman it were well to remember I am not of royal blood though I did have intimacy with many wise saws in my day. She to tell me she doth require fully ten logs of a certain size before the dinner is served, and no more said. Thus out of my indigestion hath great evil fallen on me and no hope of escape therefrom. THURSDAY, JULY 15.—Such a hubbub as never was before heard in these lands and the reason for it most strange. It to seem that for many years it hath been the custom of the Chancellor of the Exchequer to issue a mighty tome of type wherein he doth expatiate at exceeding length on all manner of things in the which no interest do be taken, and this followed by many weeks of debate in the gasworks, with much noise and mighty little matter as if all the drums and peas in Christendom were a-rattling together at great pace. Then the scriveners to seize their pencils and write hard words anent the wastage of the public money on these exercises to no good purpose. But this year when milord Downie Stewart, who do be a downie bird, doth produce a barebones budget in the which there be only figures and no padding thereof, and the members do fall to silence after two days of chatter, behold these same scrivenors to rise and vzax wrath that the debate do fail, thus showing the incompetence of those who do arrange these things. Such inconsistency to cause me much marvellings and to wonder why they do not themselves take heed of the example set and say little on these matters. This day in the city to learn that there hath been deep communings in the Blue team and a great running to and fro that they discover the female who did seat herself on the stand last Saturday to the undoing of the Star team. The aim of the plotters to be that they shall induce her to occupy the same seat and thus distract their opponents. To learn that a report that the damsel hath been discovered do cause a hardening in the betting and a lightening of the Blue hearts for the joust on Saturday.

FRJDAY, JULY 15.—This day to decide I will stay late in my bed, but Mrs Shaun to enter declaring the woodpile do need my attention and the saw hath been wiped and fatted that it will slide through the timber with alacrity. To inform the woman I do be an invalid, but she to declare this exercise to effect the best of cures. In tbe city to learn it hath been resolved that Southlanders thall be given the chance to acquire the book of verse from the pen of the late Robert F'rancis. A mighty fine project it doth seem to me and one I will in every way forward for the glory of this our province and the honouring of the name of one who did rightly wear the bays as the bard of . our people. Thus to urge all my friends that they do acquire these books and so keep with them for always the sweetness of his singing. In the city also to learn the damsel hath not consented to wear th v e same attire and straightway the odds to turn in the favour of Star, but the Blues Committee to work feverishly, and with the aid ' < of the Rugby Union, which hath its eye on the gate takings that they do persuade her to reconsider her decision. To the office and my stint, and then to the Orphans where a mighty fine time, after which to my bed, but wakened by the telephone from one who saith it is now learned the damsel will be at the joust and attired as before, so that the betting do shift once more; but to withhold mine own wagering in that the fickleness of woman do be well-known and who may say what at the last she will resolve on doing. And so to sleep but again waked that the Bluee play not and Pirates take their place. A strange thing this and the undoing of all plots.