SHAUN’S PATCH

Southland Times, Issue 19787, 6 February 1926, Page 13

SHAUN’S PATCH

“4 Little Nonsense Nowand Then.”—Hudibras.

Councillors Campbell and Cooper are qualifying to be Invercargill’s two Roads Scholars for 1926. A doctor has now blamed the pigment in vegetables as a cause of cancer. The progress in cancer research is from pigmeat to pigment. The principal difficulty in connection with the new system of selling petrol from bowsers is that housewives will experience a shortage in rubbish tins. The essential thing with a car is care. * ♦ * * John Whip was fined in Dunedin on a charge of having been drunk while in charge of, a motor car. He might have pleaded the influence of his namesake in the Exhibition amusement park. * * • ♦ They have revolutions in Lisbon in place of the weekly change of programme at the movie theatres. * « * * Most of the people who criticise the Prince of Wales’s riding could not be trusted to stick on a clothes horse. * * * * An Oamaru newspaper carries this “true” story of the Exhibition, a story which, unfortunately, differs but slightly from an older one: An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotchman had determined to take home to their wives a memento of their visit. They each returned to the hotel with a parcel, which was opened up. Strangely enough the whole three had selected cups. The Englishman’s and Irishman’s mementos were inscribed ‘To my darling wife.” That of the Scotchman was inscribed “Clinton Refreshment Room.” The fact that is a variant of an older yarn clears the Scot of the charge. Her eyes are Hazel, Her teeth are Pearl, Her lips are Ruby, Goldie her curl. Complexion Olive, Air deli-Kate, Her cheeks are Rosie I may state. But this collection makes me see To court her is like bigamy. So the Pipe Band could not carry out the wishes of the donor of a prize for the progress of pipes during six months. He must have insisted on the judges listening to all the entrants. * * * * Someone has this useful political definition : RADICAL: Those who advance and consolidate a position for Conservatives to occupy a little later. * * * THE GREATEST FIRE. Charles Kellogg, a Californian scientist, extinguished flames by sounds produced from an aluminium tuning fork and declared fire fighting would be conducted in the future by sound tuned to the proper pitch.—Cable news. When Dan Maloney’s shack took fire, With all the spirits stored within, And Dan himself was sleeping off His latest ten-round go with gin, The fire-fighters leapt from bed And dressed themselves with dacent haste, To make a good parade although There wasn’t too much time to waste. They caught O’Brien’s old grey mare, The one that used to walk the hearse, And she, not noting this new job, Stuck to two miles an hour or worse. And when at last they reached the scene The shack was blazing like a torch, The flames had spread, we saw the fire Was licking up the Town Hall porch. O’Brien, the captain of the crew Because he owned our only horse, Paraded all his gallant men And marked for them the fire’s course. He straightened up their uniforms And put them through their fire drill, And all the time the greedy fire Was working at its wicked will. Then suddenly there came a shout ; O’Brien blanched to see the sight— The Town Hall gone and—Holy Smoke! Now Casey’s pub had caught alight! The boys went nobly to their task And threw their leads upon the fire, But all was useless, for the flames Each minute leapt up high and higher. The heat was awful -far to much For all the seven divils known, And ev’ry mother’s son who saw The sight could only stand and groan. We pumped upon the manual till No man could lift his hand again Not even when dashed to the fire The village Mayor, good Andrew Bain. In vain the Town Clerk, Burwell, showed Statistics of the fire’s cost ; We were exhausted, and we gave The pub, which riieant the town, for lost. The Engineer came to prove That water still was in the main, But we were done and all his work, ’Twas obvious, was quite in vain. Then J. E. Taylor hove in sight, And gazing on O’Brien’s rout, Just sang a mighty pedal C.. And put the whole durn fire out. You needn’t sneer, or doubt my word, It doesn’t matter if you laugh; But anyhow we always keep A basso on the civic staff. MINE OWN PEPYS. SATURDAY, JANUARY 30.—A waked early this day, and to my garden with confidence, it having been decided that there shall be a hiring of labour for the winning of it back unto cultivation.

To meet with one who did cast an expert eye over my spinet and with a waving of his hands to say it were in an ill condition and such that the whole contraption of it to be sent abroad for repair. Much dole within me at this \ale news, and my day spoiled for me at the dinge there may be in my accompts, without guarantee that all will be well. For comfort to ride out. and over the roading scheme for the better understanding of it, but so shaken before arriving thereat by the ravageings of the tractors to turn back and to try the street of Tay and there to escape but narrowly from collision as mine own and another’s car did emerge out of contiguous potholes, and so home to indite a stiffish note to the aldermen that they expedite the new road or mend the old lest we be all left in the mud and no hope of rescue. At this much relieved of my choler and so to bed. MONDAY, FEBRUARY I.—Lay late this day a-reading of “Richard Carvel,” a goodly booke by one Winston Churchill of the Americas. One that did charm my youth and now to capture me so securely Mrs Shaun to declare she may as well be an anchorite so am I glued to the tome. To explain to the woman that in these days it were well to take draughts of the olden romances, wherein there be craftsmanship and health. In this she to concur but to say ’twere equally important to retain touch with the things of this day, wherein I did see a crafty move to involve me in certain tasks about my ranch, and so to remain silent on this point. Meeting with the expert he to say further of my harpsichord and explain his diagnosis, the which did prompt me to call in another surgeon. TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 2.—Wakened by my son who hath an electric motor now stopped though but a few days in use. On discovering he hath oiled it well to soundly rate him in that he hath so ruined it. He then to experts with it and we to hear their report thereon later, but in the meantime to threaten him with severe penalties on his carelessness. My new surgeon to recount it were a simple duty to restore my harpsichord, whereat to rejoice mightily and to bid him at it. In the city to learn of the oncoming season for snipe and thereupon to cultivate my friends armed with lethal weapons and much talk of the joys of snipe onsite board, the which I do hope will be productive of results to my advantage. WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 3.—To the city and there to learn of dark plots among my friends, the which to exercise me mightily. The manner of these to be that J. W. Smith, having set his mind on the chiefship, hath attempted to steal a march by putting to membership of the St Andrew's Society all who do work in his store, he paying for them and they busy learning to say “Gin a body” and ither passwords that there may be no suspicion aroused. These tidings carried to the Chief and he mighty concerned, though to rejoice that the funds of the society by this means do be augmented, and he to fear not in that his opponent hath no such collection of walking sticks, the same to ensure bis election an he to jiroduce the mightiest of them. The Chief to say though he be occupied with doing honour to our fellow townsman, Charles Gray, Esq., who be bent on tripping to thc ( Homeland, he will hoist these plotters with their own petard and all will be well once more. But despite these reassurances to be perturbed in the J. W. be a shrewd fellow as I do well know, but I will talk with him and my suasion may be effective. THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 4.—-Up early and to watch a gardener working in my ranch. He a lusty fellow who did wield his spade • with mighty strokes, so that I do percieve at last the true joys of gardening, and to be convinced that with this aid it were a goodly thing to take pleasure in horticulture. My harpsichord returned and all well, to my great content. A great blow to my prestige in this my house by the electricity experts reporting the oil hath no part in the damaging of my son’s motor and he at no pains to conceal his triumph in this matter. To find faults in his English and thus to restore my supremacy but to resolve privily I shall not further meddle in matters pertaining to engines and engineers.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY s.—Up early that I may watch the gardener and to speak learnedly of the growing of this thing and that without the fear of ill effects to mine ease. In the city to meet with Charles Gray and he much sought after these days by those who would do him honour and none better deserved in that he hath done so much to keep the love of musick alive in this our town and still a mighty enthusiast. He much impressed by these events and in a twitter, thereat I to say these happenings will be as nought compared with the rout on Monday even, when full measure shall be done to his deserts. My sadness at his leaving to be deepened as this day I to receive my tax notice and demand to pay, whereat I to perceive the Government be spending far too much these times and reductions much needed. To learn it is rumoured on the success of suppressing fires with sound in the Americas it to be the Fire Board’s intent to dismiss its brigade and use the Pipe Band in its place. And so to bed fearful of the consequences an these things do come to pass lest in the slaying of one evil they do work even greater hurt.