Shaun’s Patch.

Southland Times, Issue 19546, 9 May 1925, Page 13

Shaun’s Patch.

“A Little Nonsense Now and Then.” —Hudibras.

MINE OWN PEPYS. MAY 2—Lay late listening to the rain and uttered praises that there may be no football and I compelled to go to golf this day, but the sun to shine later and to depressuny spirits. To my woes added the disgraceful conduct of my daughter, who this day did enter the bathroom during the hour of my shaving and rap out in good round tone a word which was either “lamb” or something rhyming with it, "{fo that my spouse did enter hurriedly and chide me for guarding not my tongue before mine offspring and I to have ruined my shave already by the restraint exercised in the interests of the wench. In the afternoon to golf and there with my physician to challenge mighty men in the persons of the Magis trate and one Leng-Ward and he in plus fours of -impressive hue. So great hath my fame grown as a golfer there be a photographer prerent to record my swing, doubtless for some book on golfing style and I to praise the Lord that I did hit the ball and to send it "some distance, albeit with a slice. But he straightway to photo the Magistrate, though he be of far less account in these matters than myself and I doubt me if he can be included in any book for stylists save as an example of the wrong way of doing things. My physician with <uile to induce our opponents to give an handicap and we win handsomely by three up and I with borrowed clubs to perform mightily now and then. At night to the rooms of Kent and much good music with a fine violinist, cne Aves, here with Sir Harry Lauder. And so to bed in satisfaction with a good day though Star hath beaten Pirates at the last minute and in mine absence.

MAY 4—Up betimes and to the city to hear further reports of the doings at the Chiefs house when my physician acquitted himself nobly before Sir Harfy-Lauder as a vocalist. It to appear that a bright legal luminary was also moved to song, which I do suspect to be one of the effects of an indulgence in Rotary. At even to the playhouse and to see Sir Harry Lauder, who hath improved his art wonderfully since last time 1 saw him, some eleven years ago. Listening to him I to decide that the Scottish people to adore him because they may laugh at him with safety knowing that his quips will be accounted funny.

MAY s—Up early and to the woodpile where I did saw and use my axe until I am convinced that electric heaters be an adjunct necessary to every modern home. To the city and to hear that Sir Hary Lauder hath been seen in great grief and making dole that through some mistake some person hath gotten into the show last night without paying the sum required. He also to declare that this is to be his final farewell tour unless he may change his mind later and the crowded houses it doth seem will incline him in that direction. MAY 6—Waked up this morning by Mrs Shaun appearing with a piece of Jack Smith’s birthday cake, a lordly piece of epeking and liberally supplied with fruit which did rejoice me exceeding and the icing also thick so that I am made to fear for my digestion, which I do insist be necessary in all good fruit cakes. To the links, thefe to joust against Mrs Shaun and my physician and I to have a charming partner who d’d play a mighty game so that we are victorious by a handsome margin tnd my supremacy in mine own home thereby fully established. Mrs Shaun to say that she hath been spending too much time in outdoor activities and mu.rt attend to her sewing, which did please me mightily as an acknowledgement of my prowess.

MAY 7—This day to meet in the City Dr. Trotter, cf Riverton, who to arrive in his new limousine car—a mighty imposing bus. Remin’scencing of his tour abroad he to tell of a strange happening, that at Panama he did meet one who did leave New York to stay at the Canal for health reasons. A strange business in that Panama, formerly a death-trap for whites, do new become famous for its ozone-giving balms. Further to comment that Mavor Archer of Christchurch be a Baptist Minister, whilst Riverton do combine mayoralty the duties of the jffiirurgeon and to affirm (and this witn the approval cf one Cassels) that the scalpel be mightier than the cassock. On my inefuiring of the completion of the new Riverton bridge he to instanter put his foot on the self-starter and to farewell me with a wave of his hand, the exhaust of his car the while to belch out much smoke. A pleasant fellcw of whose moustache I am envious these many years. Ibis day to learn that the local police hgve the finest report known in the history of the force and the senior officer very excited about the business. At night Gordon xMcAuley to visit my manse and to deposit with me two ducks of his shooting. A very courteous and neighbourly fellow whom I hope to see again in similar circumstances.

MAY B—Abroad early and to notice that Councillor Miller having been elected to represent the City on the Fire Beard he to take up his duties at once and to do a testing of the fire brigade’s efficiency, the which to hope did please him and So much trouble taken. To the city and to learn that Miss Edna Thomas being entertained by the Womens’ Club did arrive late having lain late in bed in that her boxes fail to arrive and the poor lady hath nought to wear for the rout. In the evening to the Orphans Club and there to have the pleasure of hearing Miss Thomas sing the Negro Spirituals and better than her singing I do never hope to hear on this earth. A gracious lady and fond of coffee in the which we have

one thing in common to my great content. A fine bobbery in the 5.G.H.5.0.G.A., rereceiving an accompt for printing ten pounds higher than expected, and a dei mand for immediate judgment. It being thought the inclusion of the ti(le hath caused this increase a great to-do, but later to learn this hath’roeen done by certain young men who delight in practical joking, but the Association officers and a certain accountant greatly perturbed by these events And so to bed after a week of interest and to look forward to the jousting at the Rugby Park on the morrow. • • • • Loud speakers and amplifiers arc being installed in the House of Lords to overcome the poor acoustics. Soon there will be no place left where a man can sleep undisturbed. It soon will be called the House of Bo reds. After the glowing reports from Spain about successes in Morocco, the news ot tno native’s victories sounds like a Riff in the Lute. A cable message headed, “Lord Milner’s Death” the other evening announced that he had been unanimously selected as a candidate for the Chancellorship of Oxford. x Evidently he is to be at Oxford in spirit if not in more material form. . •»v • • Time is money. Both plumbers and householders agree that the statement is correct. When I look on the new motor regulation plates I realise how true it is that there Js safety in numbers. Some plates have so many numbers on them that it will be difficult to identify the car. WHEN DUGGAN WENT DIGGIN’ He knew all about gelignite, Explosives were in his line— He was explosive himself at timesAnd he assured the Junior that this gelignite was Safe as houses — It had no detonators. The Junior was Rubious, But he couldn’t afford to be skeptical, And when the Senior told him to bury it— He took up his spade With misgivings and oaths. The Senior bulked impressively in his chair. And so the Junior went to his digging. In the garden flowers grew— They enjoyed the protection of high wall* And the ground was soft. So Duggan went diggin' in the garden. The bright spade flashed once— A hole appeared in the black earth. In popped three slicks of gelignite, Three nice little sticks of harmless stuff. Duggan went on diggin’. In lofty places A harp was taken from the shelf, A halo left its hook, The choir took up the parts of a ne< hymn, The gates were unlocked. The bright spade flashed again. The thunders of all the storms roared, Windows rattled, Teeth rattled, The Senior was rattled, The Senior’s bulk quivered, And the chair creaked. But Duggan was no longer diggin’. Seated on the coal heap, Hidden in the coal-house, Deaf, bewildered and sore. He waited for the last bricks to fall, And the next storm to break. From the chair darted the Senior—• Amazing alacrity! The air outside was blue with smoke And words. In the ground he saw a hole, Blue smoke coming from it, But the thunderous noise had gone. And where had Duggan gone, Duggan who had been told to go diggin*? My God, where is Duggan? The Senior quivered again. He decided to ask of the Four Winds, Who had known the whereabouts Of the Boy who Stood on the Burning Deck. Where was the disintegrated Duggan? A voice asked: “Has the last brick fallen?” And Duggan the Junior was found. The Senior quivered again And again. “My God, Duggan—where have yo< been ?” “Diggin’ ” said Duggan. “I patted it with the spade— One stick wasn’t safe.” The SeniorJooked thoughtful And wise. “Ssh hush ssah! Not a word, not a letter, Not a sound — Keep it quiet; But thank your Maker you’re not wearing wings this instant.” The Senior mopped his brow, And his neck. He went quivering home, And stayed home. Gelignite is safe without a detonator. But it isn’t safe To tell the Senior it's safe; Cos that is a detonator, And he is highly explosive. But who will dig the garden ? Duggan has done with diggin’ He is skeptical— He views horticulture with disfavour, So does the Senior. He views everything with disfavour